I've done both. Here's how I rate them.

Back at Square 1?

Only this time the palomino is older, tireder, perhaps a little jaded. 

And uneasily aware there are forty or so younger, fitter fillies with lovely glossy manes and polished hooves, coming up close behind. 

This just about sums up how I felt, faced with going back on the singles scene after the end of a fourteen-year marriage. 



This was 2006 and my last date had been in 1990. 

Dating as a twentysomething

v.

Dating as a midlifer

Marriage with someone special had not been my only life-goal, but it had been one of them. 



As a woman of faith I’d genuinely felt guided to my first husband but now that he had cheated on me and left me for someone else I was at an all-time low in the faith-stakes. 

Life deals you a hand of cards

Now I felt life had dealt me a hand of cards I wouldn’t personally have chosen so I had to play them to the best of my ability. 

So I put my thinking-cap on, as my primary-school teacher would have said, put some ideas into action, and then gave the ideas years to come to full fruition. 

Not weeks or months. Years.

Don’t panic — good things take awhile

Be reassured: looking back that time seems to have passed in a flash and the results were more than justified.

I used the time to fashion an interesting life for myself and was in the right place both physically and mentally for my future husband to find me. 



We’ve just celebrated our tenth wedding anniversary with much joy. 

Below is the process that took me from disappointed divorcée to a new life and a new marriage.

A wise woman chooses a dual approach

I used both online and offline ways of meeting people because my experience is, it’s a numbers game. 

The world is an abundant place. Think about it: it’s highly unlikely that there isn’t someone out there suited to you and you to him. 

All it takes is one man. And opportunity.

This doesn’t mean you have to overwhelm yourself; it’s fine to put your profile on pause or step back from socialising for a rest sometime. 



Just don’t give up completely and shut yourself off. 

Ground rules for avoiding overwhelm

To stay in control of my online dating life and not let it control me, I wrote in my Diary of a Divorcée:

Just tonight or forever?

Let’s face it: online dating can be a vehicle for casual flings, or for meeting a marriage partner.

I’m writing here specifically about dating for marriage. 

For this I evolved and fine-tuned the following process:

1. Get in the right frame of mind.

Read some books about dating to get familiar with something you may not have done for a while and to build up confidence in yourself as the loveable, attractive woman you are because as The Rules™️ emphasises, ‘You are a creature unlike any other.’ 

2. Research different sites.

I experimented by picking one mass-market site, Match, plus swapping in and out of more niche sites: Love and Friends (which styles itself ‘The UK dating site for thinking people’), Christian Connection (faith-based) and an arts-based one; it might have been LoveArts. 

On the whole I found the niche sites more conducive to finding people I could have a genuine connection with.

Ask friends for recommendations as well as looking at the sites themselves to get its vibe or atmosphere, the sort of men who use it, and see if you feel comfortable with it.

I’d always advise someone who is taking dating seriously to be a paying-member of a site rather than a freebie. 

As well as giving more access and advantages, I think it sends a signal of serious intent, of not being a player. 

You’re not committed to paying for the rest of your life; just for a season.

How I freed up money for the expense of dating

I cut back on other things in order to have a ‘personal budget’ that covered elements like dating sites and events, grooming, clothes:

3. Let him contact you first.

I did start out by contacting people first but it’s been my experience that contacts that were initiated by the man have much more genuine potential than the other way round. 

I found that if someone can be bothered to contact you, read your bio, and write a decent message, they feel a genuine spark for you that holds promise.

What if I don't get many people contacting me?

There were plenty of times when nothing seemed to be happening. 

This is good, I was told, because it means the process of filtering out men with less potential and who can’t be bothered is working and ultimately saving me time and heartache. 

I also took some personal action. 

I would sit down with a cuppa or glass of wine in front of my laptop after work one night and update my photos, or rewrite part of my bio, or add in a new pastime and a jokey comment about it.

I’d also increase my geographical range. Not only my city environs but places where I already had a connection such as family or friends and could visit easily.

Because you never know which suitable person lies just outside your immediate area or which tweak to your profile causes someone to notice you for the first time.

4. Respond to contact, but not that split second.

After all, you’re not the sort of woman who is anxiously tied to your phone, are you? 

You’re a woman with better things to do rather than desperate scrolling.

Give both you and him a little breathing-space before responding.

🍃 P2YL top tip no. 1 👒

5. Don’t spend more than a couple of weeks communicating with someone online before meeting in real life.

Dating sites are meant to be an introduction service between real physical people, not an end in themselves. 

I’ve known people message each other on and off for months and never even meet because essentially one of them was wasting the other’s time.

Savvy dating means finding out sooner rather than later how you relate to one another as real, flesh-and-blood people. 



Let him suggest it. If he doesn’t, move on. 

🍃 P2YL top tip no. 2 👒

6. Even if you don’t feel immediate chemistry with someone on a first date, if he seems a decent man and nice enough, give him at least three dates before you come to any definite conclusion.

Here’s why I think this is crucial:

👉🏻 Next time: My tried-and-tested ideas for meeting people offline