P2YL | 49. 'I always knew your marriage would be a disaster'...and other flaky things people say
Learning to shake off the flawed and flaky
This gives the flavour of an email an older woman sent to me when I shared my heartbreak with her over my husband’s affair.
She and her husband had been my husband’s friends before I had known him.
On the surface she appeared friendly and positive towards me and towards us as a couple, and played an active role on our wedding day.
The poisoned pen
So her email stabbed me like a second betrayal coming right on the horns of my husband’s first. I felt the same way I had aged eight when I attempted a handstand and fell flat on my back.
Winded. Gasping for air. All the oxygen knocked out of me.
And was it me, or was there a hint of secret glee at what had happened?
Honorary sisters in the experiences of life
I had reached out to her because I’ve learned that you are never on your own when going through the bad stuff life can throw at you. There is a circle around you of what I like to think of as ‘honorary sisters’ in shared life-experiences.
Granted, this woman hadn’t been through divorce but I believed she was someone I could confide in. I looked up to her almost as an honorary big sister.
After that I saw her more as the ugly stepsister.
What is the Honorary Sisterhood?
Despite this, I’m still a believer in finding your own personal circle of honorary sisters because even from the ugly stepsister I gained a valuable lifelong gift, one she had never intended.
Identifying your honorary sisters
I found my circle by identifying kindly women I knew or had known in the past who were divorced, or who were experienced in being alongside women going through it.
Together they helped me begin to believe I could survive and even that there might be happiness for me in the future.
Unique gifts
What struck me about the honorary sisters was that they all passed on a uniquely different gift. Three of them in particular stand out. In my head I named each of them after their special quality:
- Abby: the pastoral sister.
- Serena: the serene sister.
- Praxis: the strategist.
Abby: the pastoral sister
The ugly stepsister’s poisoned dart had the effect of leading me to the pastoral sister who possessed the antidote.
I’ll call the pastoral sister Abby. She brought love and spiritual insight to help disinfect the wounds left by the email.
Abby was a spiritual director and musician. She and her husband knew my husband and me as a couple. She had never experienced divorce, but she knew more than enough about the challenges of marriage, of women’s lives.
When you were with her you sensed that she was aligned with the timeless and true while at the same time she had the ability to tune in completely to who you were and what you were going through.
Abby’s gift: common-sense and cake
Abby carefully read the email I had printed out for her.
She frowned.
She sighed.
She shook her head.
There was the occasional eye-roll.
‘Who does this woman think she is?’ she murmured as she read.
We discussed all the claims made in the email and its overall tone. In the end we decided to file it.
Vertically, in the bin, where it belonged.
Then we had a cup of tea and a slice of cake.
Before I left, Abby prayed a prayer with and over me, asking that I would be protected from taking on board any harmful effects from the ugly stepsister’s words.
Did it work?
Does praying for something ‘work’?
Did anything good come out of what felt like a spiteful attack?
All I can say is something happened that day that has benefited me ever since. For the first time I fully took on board that we have a choice regarding other people’s judgements and was able to act on it.
It was like developing a new superpower.
We are not obliged to offer headspace to anyone’s and everyone’s personal opinions.
I half-knew this before. Now I could act on it.
The ugly stepsister’s unexpected gift
And since then I shut the door firmly and emphatically on the harmful, the hurtful, and the flawed. And the flaky.
So in a weird way I’m grateful even to the ugly stepsister, for giving me a gift she never even intended.
🌱🍃🌿
