P2YL | 57. Love beyond the dating apps
How to increase the odds in your favour
Before I took the step of going back out there as a divorced woman looking to meet a committed life-partner, three warnings sounded in my head.
‘This could take some time.’
‘It could take ten years.’
‘It could mean a hundred first dates, with a hundred different men, before It happens.’
Put like that the whole thing sounds impossible but honestly it’s not.
Mission not-so-impossible
It just takes time, focus, and accessing a tiny bit of self-belief.
I’m grateful for those warning voices because they weren’t being negative, they were just gearing me up to remember:
- If a date goes nowhere — it doesn’t mean I’m failing.
- If I’m not coupled-up after six months or a year — it doesn’t mean I’m failing.
- It simply means it’s taking time and I am wise enough to know that.
A more Pollyannish attitude wouldn’t have provided the necessary backbone.
Is it 'just a numbers game'?
If you’ve heard that phrase in relation to dating and been irritated by it, relax.
At base it’s good news because it means:
- If you take Woman A, who is stunning-looking and mostly stays at home and sees the same people,
- and Woman B, who is more average and who makes the best of herself, takes consistent action to enlarge her social circle, and persists with it over time,
- any bookie will put money on Woman B ending up happily coupled up, rather than Woman A.
And bookies are rich men.
How do I increase my social circle?
A male friend said breezily to me, ‘Just do things that interest you.’
I said, ‘The activities I like tend to attract mostly women or retiree married couples, not single, age-appropriate men.’
‘But retiree married couples have sons,’ he countered.
‘So cut out the middle man,’ I responded. ‘Go where the sons go.’
'Go where the sons go'
Putting this into action meant finding ways to socialise with a better male-to-female ratio.
‘But I’m not interested in a day event at a motorsport museum/a hands-on history reenactment weekend/metal-detectorism for beginners,’ I hear you cry.
Wait.
If you are a woman with even the slightest interest in anything other than the same-old-same-old, you have the potential to be pleasantly surprised.
Most importantly you will find you get to interact with interesting men during events like these and especially at lunch and during coffee-breaks.
'But I don't want to marry a train-spotter'
Don't be fooled. I’ve met at least one gorgeous train-enthusiast snapped up by an adoring girlfriend and a bunch of other witty trainspotters who made train-spotting a laugh a minute. And don’t forget Francis Bourgeois
‘What’s the point,’ you say, ‘of dating someone who is crazy about something I’m at best lukewarm about?’
It doesn't work like that.
What happens is you find you have other things in common.
You warm to each other, find you get on, enjoy each other’s company.
None of this necessarily has anything whatever to do with the original event where you met, but it’s there and a relationship starts to build.
'Remember the Banana Splits?'
My now-husband Mr Tim (nicknamed after the Mrs Tim books) and I met for the first time because we had both joined a 10k organised walking group.
We didn’t bond over any non-existent enthusiasm for walking the Pembrokeshire Path or the Appalachian Trail.
The walk was simply a vehicle. As we got chatting, we shared memories of prog rock bands, 1970s children’s TV, and found the other person was, well, nice. Easy to talk to.
Some wise advice I received aged 18
What did I learn from this?
It reminds me of something someone said to me the summer before I started university.
I was wondering aloud amongst my older sister’s friends what university societies I ought to join in Freshers’ Week.
One well-liked, happily married woman said, ‘To be honest, when I started at university, I went to a lot of things I wasn’t massively interested in, just to meet people.’
This was resourceful advice then and now.
👑 TOP TIP: It helps to spot activities and social events with M Appeal, ie likely to appeal to men.
Learn to spot activities with M Appeal
Otherwise you risk finding yourself surrounded by 85% women.
👑 TOP TIP: If you find you enjoy any of these, consider volunteering to help in some capacity.
This makes you stand out as a natural point of contact for other people.
My verdict
These are ideas to kick-start your own thinking. Tailor the idea to your own temperament and what’s available to you within a reasonable travelling distance.
I used this approach for several years.
It got me out and about, dressing my best, relating to new people, polishing my social skills, generally engaging with life.
It helped my confidence and made me a more interesting woman (I hope).
The game-changer: Meetup.com
I would especially advise investigating Meetup.com, an online platform where you can join groups of people local to you, pursuing similar activities and interests.
Feeling a bit demoralised after a promising relationship ended (met through Loveandfriends.com) I told myself bracingly that I always knew this would take time, put my shoulders back, and joined a 10k walking group I saw on Meetup.
Meanwhile, thirty miles away...
…Mr Tim was having a coffee date with a nice woman he’d met via an online dating site.
At the end of the date she said gently but honestly that actually she’d got her eye on someone else, but asked if he would like to come along to a walking group she had joined and she would introduce him to other people.
It was a pleasant group of people — nearly all single — and you get to talk to say 12 or 14 people all in one day.
Like speed-dating without the awkwardness or pressure.
OK, said Tim.
Nowadays he says, ‘Isn’t it amazing what can happen when you say yes to something as simple as going on a walk?’
📱+ 💬 = 💚
We owe that nice woman a lot.
The very next day Tim and I met for the first time and eventually started going out.
A year later, we became engaged. The following year, we married.
That was ten years ago.
So when people ask if we met online we say, ‘No…and yes.’
If Tim hadn’t tried online dating he may not have become aware of Meetup.
If I hadn’t been willing to try new activities I may not have been on that 10k walk.
‘Come together’
It didn’t take ten years and a hundred first dates.
But it did take patience and perseverance, open-heartedness and open-mindedness.
All worth it. There will come a time when you put the key in your door after a date with someone very special who is serious and intentional about you, thinking exultantly to yourself:
‘At last! It’s happening!’
🌱🍃👒
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