P2YL | 19. YOUR 'one small step' for womankind

Would my method work for you?

Avoidance as a coping mechanism

For a long time I couldn’t face airports or planes, or anything connected with them.

As time passed, however, I wanted to get over this reaction and fly again, yet feared being brought low by memories.

So I came up with a plan for my first post-divorce flight and wrote about it in My one small step for womankind.

Did it work?

Surprise no.1

One big dread was having to face an air hostess welcoming me on board the flight. In my imagination I saw myself being greeted by a stereotypically cosmetically enhanced dollybird with a fake smile, which would stir up all my anger and hurt.

What actually happened surely proved that God/Fate/the Universe has a quirky sense of humour. There I was, all geared up to face down a glamorous air hostess at the aircraft door and…it was a man. A perfectly inoffensive male cabin steward.

From my diary of the time:

So, the first time confronting the past in this way was uncomfortable but not impossible. With a pinch of preparation and determination, I found I could do it. 

I deployed my coping techniques and they got me through. Each flight after this was a little easier than the last, and the final healing touch came via another surprise much later on.

Surprise no. 2 (5 years later)

Many years after the divorce and this first post-divorce flight, I joined a walking group where, during a walk in the Chilterns, I got chatting to a lovely man. After going out for two years, we got married.

His job? He’s a civil aviation consultant.

So once again airports and planes and overseas holidays are part of my life, no longer painful but instead joyful reminders that I hadn't lost after all.

If I put this in a novel it would sound like too much of a coincidence but it’s true and makes me wonder if Someone Up There had a joke up their sleeve all along.

What’s your personal small step for womankind?

Are there situations you dread but want to make bearable? 

Could you try these suggestions or tweak them to fit your circumstances?

1. ‘A compulsively good book’ 

Maybe reading’s not your thing, but music or something else might be. The point here is distraction. In social situations this could be adapted to taking minute bathroom-breaks or similar, to:

• consciously calm yourself;
• massage fragrant hand-lotion into your hands;
• touch up your make-up while mentally complimenting yourself;
• read a morale-boosting line or two from a paperback in your shoulder bag;
• listen to a few moments of something soothing via earbuds.

Then go back out, knowing you are refreshed, head held high.

2. ‘Changing the script’ 

I’m sorry if this sounds unkind but it does ease the inner pressure if you sometimes think, ‘Silly cow,’ or, ‘You flippin’ eejit,’ in your head while smiling and being polite to someone who holds hurtful memories. Just don’t say it out loud. 

3. Using inner detachment

I blocked the world outside using earbuds but in other situations where this wasn’t possible I detached myself by finding a beautiful or calming object in my surroundings, and keeping it like a talisman in my mind.

At one stressful event I noticed an historical portrait of a serene woman on a wall. Yet I also knew this woman had dealt with tribulation in her life. I held this image in my mind and channelled her graceful calm for my own situation.

4. Rising above those you might hurt you

Sometimes it helps to diffuse your feelings by mentally reframing a problematic person. Inwardly rising above them, perhaps even slightly pitying them. 

It’s not meant to be a malicious put-down, more an inner way of handling feelings when you need to stay in control.

Or if talking to a certain person prompts pain, fear or stress, try focusing on one of their eyes, not both.

You’re giving them enough attention while at the same time politely but discreetly refusing to let them dominate your vision. 

5. Humour

You might think it impossible to find any humour whatsoever in your situation, but so did I, and look what happened to me. 

Life is so quirky, it wouldn’t at all surprise me if it happened to you too. 

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