Getting over a memory that holds you back ο»Ώ
Is there a place or situation which you avoid because it is linked to too many painful memories?
I’ve struggled with that. But at some stage in the heartbreak-healing process, I began to feel the urge to develop a coping process, or this avoidance might hold me back as a woman who wanted to live life fully.
I don't think of myself as a very brave or strong person, so instead of trying to psyche myself up to be really tough, I used mental tricks and distractions and a touch of gallows humour to get me through.
Could this be a useful technique for dealing sneakily with stuff we thought we couldn’t?
My backstory
My first husband was an airline pilot and I loved flying and travelling with him. I grew fascinated by the world of aviation, researching and writing a
magazine article on the elegant British aviatrix Sheila Scott.
Initially struck by Sheila Scott's personal elegance, what impressed me even more when I read her biography was the fact she wasn't a natural pilot, it didn't come easily to her, and she had to struggle with nerves and fears, especially to start with. I could relate to that.
Then, years into the marriage, when my pilot husband (***Cliché Alert***) fell foul of an air hostess and left me for her, I felt I never wanted to fly or go near an airport again.
When I told that to my plain-speaking father, he took his pipe out of his mouth and said shortly, ‘You’ll have to get over that. Or you’ll never travel.’
Sometimes being told a brusque truth does you more good than being sympathised with.
Chocks away...?
So, a few years post-divorce I wrote in my diary:
Knowing me the way I do, when it comes to facing my fears I have found being gentle with myself works better than trying to pretend to be some sort of female warrior, so I thought up some coping tactics.
My ‘One small step’ cunning plan
A compulsively good book
I adore books. For me they offer a view into someone else’s world, new information for my curious mind, and sometimes sheer, much-needed escapism. I decided I would buy a book I had been dying to read and start reading it *only* once I was in the airport departure lounge or the aircraft cabin. I trusted the book to take me into a world far away from unwelcome reminders of a past love and life.
Changing the script
One fear was having to smile at and thank the fake-smiling, plastered-with-make-up air hostess ritually greeting me as I boarded the plane. I felt she was part of a whole tribe I now loathed and despised.
Profuse apologies to all cabin crew; this was how the situation affected me at the time.
So my plan was to smile sarcastically at the air hostess and instead of saying, ‘Thank you,’ as she welcomed me on board, smilingly mouth, ‘**** you,’ under my breath.
However I decided this behaviour was: a) very childish; and b) likely to stir up feelings of aggression within me whereas I wanted to create the very opposite: an airy calm.
So instead of ‘**** you,’ I decided I would smile angelically and innocently at her while mentally saying, ‘I forgive you, because I’m a bigger and better person than you are.’
My father just laughed when I told him.
Using inner detachment
Throughout my time on the aircraft I would distance myself from my surroundings by wearing AirPods, absorb myself in my book, and block out the usual smoothly-voiced announcements from the Captain or First Officer (‘Weather’s looking good at the destination with perhaps a light crosswind on approach.’)
Maybe sipping a cool and luxurious G&T with ice and a slice would aid my sense of detachment too.
'Rising above' those who might hurt you
Bless all the dear little cabin and flight crew, I told myself. They are simply anonymous service industry workers whose job it is to get me to my destination safely. Personally, they’re nothing to me.
The results on the day?
Did it work? I’ll share what happened in a later instalment.
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