P2YL | 42. Where do I meet eligible men?

Media alert: 'The women joining high-end gyms for a month – to find a rich husband'

👇🏻

Makes you tut-tut in disapproval at such shallow and materialistic ‘gold diggers’? 

I think, ‘Oh well, good luck to them.’



‘Improving your chances’

There is much P2YL | Part 2 Of Your (Love?) Life experience behind why I think many a woman who is neither shallow nor materialistic might improve her love- and life-chances through a little canny thinking.

Life as a single twenty-something woman

In my mid-twenties living in a university city it was easy to meet single, age-appropriate men via a lively middle-class church with a young congregation and lots of social events. 

This is where I met and married Husband No. 1. Tragically, the marriage came to end after fourteen years.

Curious? I share more at My secret history.

Life as a divorced midlife woman

Second time round I was in my forties. By this point the dating pool was much smaller.

So if I were serious about marrying again, I realised I had to make an effort, use strategy and intentionality

Someone advised, ‘Just do what interests you and you’ll meet someone.’



Where this advice goes wrong

There are a couple of potential hiccups here:

• What if your interests attract 99.9% women rather than men?

• Looking for a carbon-copy of yourself isn’t necessarily love. It’s borderline narcissism. Having a partner with some differences means each partner contributes something different and refreshing to the relationship. 
  

So I spread my interests a little more widely than my usual pursuits and I’d encourage other women in the same boat consider this too.

It doesn’t matter that sport/wine-tasting/an evening class in industrial architecture isn’t your life’s overruling passion.

A vague interest and willingness to discover more is enough to reap benefits because if you meet someone you like there, you often discover you enjoy each other's company and have other things in common.

The initial interest doesn’t have to be the one thing that binds you together.

Activities with ‘M’-appeal

 Some activities I tried which I sensed would attract male participants:

• Yes, I did join an upmarket gym. The environment helped me shape up, feel more comfortable with my body, and got me used to being round men again. So when I did go dating, I felt relaxed with men and they warmed to that.

• The gym had also cottoned on to the fact that many people find themselves alone in midlife and so organised social events at which to meet other members.

• A bookclub which didn’t read chicklit but instead classic literature and history. This attracted more men than women.

• A debating club. The fact I had no intention of speaking in a public debate didn’t matter. As a club member, you could mingle and chat to other people over drinks afterwards. Slightly more men than women attended.

• A cinema club which was friendly, social, and lively. A good mix of men and women.

• An evening talk on Concorde/a day-event dedicated to Isambard Kingdom Brunel. Both topics attracted ten times more men than women.

• Bridge. Actually I didn’t do this but an older widow I met said learning to play bridge had been a very good way for her to meet and get to know new men. 
  

'Taking part makes you an even more interesting and attractive person to other people, including men.’

Even if you don’t meet a life-partner at one of these activities the fact you take part in them gives you new experiences to talk about and helps make you an even more interesting and attractive person to other people, including men you may meet later.

Things that get you off your sofa are often a good idea.

Remarriage

I also discovered the boon of Meetup groups. 

Single again, I deliberately chose a local Meetup walking group that did 10k at weekends — rather than 5k weekday walks — as I sensed the weekend group would be more likely to attract fit and active men who were also gainfully employed during the working week.

I was right. Along came Tim. Next year is our tenth wedding anniversary. I couldn’t be happier and I hope he feels the same way!

My experience is, when you put the effort in and act intentionally and persist with a good heart, things happen, even if it takes time.

Simone de Beauvoir said:

‘It’s not a question of dreaming, it’s a question of willing.’

🌱🍃🌿