In the past when I’ve been going through hard times, I’ve had the almost physical sensation of any self-confidence I ever had wilting because of the pressure to be a ‘strong woman’.
I am not like the women you see in TV dramas. You know, the kick-boxing leader-figure sarcastically showing male colleagues how incompetent they are. The Girl Boss. The gobby bad[bleep!] taking no [bleep!] from no [bleep!]ing one.
Loud. Domineering. Sometimes what can only be described as bullying.
What if I’m a woman who sees herself as not pushy, not extrovert, not a leader, not a super-achiever, but quieter, more of an onlooker, easily bruised?
Who sometimes struggles with bouts of depression or anxiety?
Who can’t honestly say she feels she's 100% successful?
Where the ‘strong woman’ trope gets it wrong
Now that I look back on the past with the perspective of time and experience, it’s a blessing to realise the ‘strong woman’ trope is actually hopelessly reductive.
I’ve gradually realised there is such a thing as gentle strength and we can tap into it.
So my ears swivelled round like our cat's when I heard Irish singer-songwriter Dani Larkin talking about her album,
Notes From a Maiden Warrior.
The
Notes are her songs. The
Maiden Warrior
is herself.
Why this status, what does it mean, and why does it resonate with me?
Maiden Warrior vs. ‘Strong Woman’
In Irish Celtic mythology, Maiden is the first aspect of womanhood or femininity. It is also one of the three traditional Jungian female archetypes: Maiden, Mother, Matriarch.
Warrior refers to the fact Dani is from the province of Ulster which she explains is the warrior province within the island of Ireland.
She feels rooted in that warrior sense but not in a way you might think. She says:
‘Not in that particularly masculine or violent way [as] we currently understand it, but the wildness and resilience and strength we find within femininity.’
‘The resilience and strength we find within femininity’
'Find' in this context means to me that sometimes it actually takes effort to take hold of this inner, hidden strength. It’s been my experience that when I’m feeling overwhelmed by what’s happening to me and unable to cope, if I consciously make an effort to focus on that 5% within me that has faith I will come through this, a seed of strength starts to germinate.
The 5%, doubled-down on, becomes 10%.
The 10% worked on and nurtured gradually becomes 30%, and suddenly already your strength has got you nearly a third of the way through the dark tunnel of fear and doubt.
That’s not far off halfway is it? Suddenly you realise you can do it. You
are doing it.
‘Time and persistence: that’s all it takes’
This quote from
The Shawshank Redemption —
‘Time and persistence. That’s all it takes' — was what I told myself over and over again during the ten years when I was divorced and dating and not living the life I wanted.
I also love the fact that Dani uses the word ‘femininity’ which is so often a term clouded in a miasma of pink and frilly Disney Princessiness. The Barbification of womanhood.
Dani who is a graduate of history and sociology and has a Master’s degree in International Conflict and Cooperation, uses her ‘feminine warriorhood’ not in the masculine way referred to above but in building peace.
Conflict de-escalation rather than Kickboxing, Bad*** Girl Boss Girl Power Attitood.
The truth is, a woman may be showing her strength every day of her life not by a performative display of heroics but by simply going out and facing the world to the best of her ability.
You don't have to kick ass to have feminine strength.
You can decide to be a heroine rather than a hero.
The heroine has a thousand faces and a thousand names and both of them are yours.
🍃🍃🍃
