P2YL | 8. Is there such a thing as 'The One'?

There is one question which crops up regularly about love, relationships, and marriage.

‘Do you think “The One” exists?’ 

‘Well…I do know “A One” exists. And that’s even better.’

The difference?

I’ve had my experience of meeting The One. It happened one summer morning in a way that felt like, er, divine guidance. Don’t laugh. You can read about it here.

For the purposes of stats, we were together for sixteen years, married for fourteen, but towards the end of that time my husband began an affair with another married woman, and left me to marry her. 

So was ‘The One’ a myth? 

I’ve written elsewhere of the devastating sense of betrayal and abandonment you get when the husband or wife you married in good faith as 'The One' opts out.

That wise-woman of the human soul, author Dorothy Whipple, describes the feeling of utter incredulity, in Someone At A Distance:

'The man who had knelt beside her bed, that night their first child had been born,

he couldn't be doing this to her, could he?

'Could he?'

But perhaps an even bigger disillusionment took place in all that I had previously believed about relationships, listening to one’s intuition, and the idea of any sense of guidance or destiny.

Was ‘The One’ a myth? 

Even now, I don’t actually think so. I’m a bit religious and I know what people mean when they get a strong sense that God or Fate or Destiny or whatever you want to call it is playing some part.

But life and human nature being what it is, even with The One, you or they can still be tempted away or bored or irritated or not feel like working through issues or going off with someone else at some stage in your life together.

‘The One’ can feel idyllic, but isn't a guarantee.

My firm belief is that this doesn't mean there is only one person on the planet meant for you and otherwise you will be on your own.

'A One'

Instead I believe in something even better.

A One.

That’s all it takes: one person who is committed to you and you to them. I met my lovely second husband in midlife and got married in my fifties. And we didn’t meet in any particularly magical way. Both divorced, each of us hoped to love and marry again someday, so we prioritised the search. Joined groups. Socialised. Made an effort. Dated. Worked on ourselves. For a number of years. Persevere and persist and it will happen. 

And having a cherished partner by your side supporting you through life's challenges is a huge blessing. It's important not to constantly think there is always going to be someone more perfect out there. 

So this is how I define The One these days.

It’s The One you commit to and who commits to you.