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P2YL | 59. Mother of the Groom: time for an upgrade?

Katrina Robinson • 22 June 2026

Final instalment of Five ways my Part 2 wedding differed from Part 1

💐 One vital tip about Mothers of the Groom.

If you’re becoming serious about a special man, watch how he treats his mother.

It may be an indicator of how he treats you in the future. 💐

Introducing: a Mother of the Groom for the 21st century

A wise, almost mystic Irishwoman from Donegal called Annie Ní Longáis got me thinking one day about the role of Mother of the Groom.

‘You talk about the patriarchy, Katrina,’ she cautioned, ‘but don’t forget the power of the matriarchy.’

She spoke from her background as one of thirteen siblings of varying personalities.

Most of them had built life-long marriages with, for better or for worse, life-long in-laws to match.

Her intuition was that there can be something visceral in the relationship between mother and son which needs maternal self-awareness and unselfishness to handle it for the good of the new couple.

'Something visceral'

She spoke from her background as one of thirteen siblings of varying personalities.

Most of them had built life-long marriages with, for better or for worse, life-long in-laws to match.

Her intuition was that there can be something visceral in the relationship between mother and son which needs maternal self-awareness and unselfishness to handle it for the good of the new couple.

The mother-in-law who said no

I can think of one wedding where the Mother of the Groom decided her son’s choice of fiancée was wrong for him and refused to attend the wedding.

It took a concerted effort from her other son and his wife at the last minute to persuade her to come and fetch her in their car.

In the end her actions rebounded largely on herself, but not before she had created great hurt and lasting damage.

Mother of the Groom: a 21st-century update

Annie Ní Longáis’s vision: update the wedding ceremony so that the Mother of the Groom to recognises her own symbolic and active role.

Just as the Father of the Bride traditionally walks with the bride up to the front of the church, she suggested, let the Mother of the Groom be there at the front waiting alongside the groom — her precious son for whom she may secretly believe no woman is good enough — to accept and welcome the bride.

And then gracefully abdicate her position at that decisive moment when the bride and groom both declare, ‘I will.’

Just as the Father of the Bride does.

Raise a glass

I’d like to propose a toast to all the kind and gracious women — including my Part 1 and Part 2 mothers-in-law — who, whatever private feelings they may have, welcome the new woman, don’t try to keep a stranglehold on sons they probably adore, and graciously and unselfishly know how to step back.

And if my time comes, I will try my best to do the same.