Everyone should have a hobby and mine is people-watching.
Throughout the past pandemic year-and-a-half I have observed men and their masks, and every day have been brought face-to-face with some male of the species, bravely showing what a helluva guy he was by wearing his face-mask in his own individual, getting-it-wrong way
Maybe he saw this as flaunting his rebel status.
I saw it as an unmasking, hinting at something about his personality.
During my investigation, I made notes on the following six types:
Male Frontal Appendage
When a man’s mask covers his mouth but not his nose it’s a clear case of willy waving. Suspect this might be the sort of man who refuses to wear a condom during sex as it’s ‘like eating a Mars bar with the wrapper on’. But someone should tell him that displaying the facial equivalent of a male member drooping outside baggy Y-fronts is not an alluring look.
The 'Morning After' Look
Dangling a face mask from one ear is the look for the man who sees himself as akin to The Man Who Broke the Bank at Monte Carlo, wearing his black tie loose as he rolls home, skint yet carefree, with the dawn. Unfortunately, it makes him look less like an International Man of Mystery and more as though he’s wearing an incontinence pad that’s accidentally come loose.
High Noon in High Wycombe
For the man who sees himself as the spiritual brother of Butch Cassidy and The Sundance Kid on the run from the posse, wearing a bandana draped around his features is the way to go. But though he may feel like he's the last remaining member of the Hole in the Wall Gang in Wyoming, actually he may be closer to that gormless charmless man who fixes hole-in-the-wall machines in Wokingham High Street.
The Face Bra
One new trend just spotted on the streets is men wearing female lingerie on the face. The all-new Face Bra gently moulds and supports the double-chin while lifting and separating the jowls.
The Nuclear Option
This man may have a perfectly good reason why he is wearing a biohazard mask in Sainsbury's on a Saturday morning, but it does give you a fright when you turn round from the vegetable counter and there he is. Perhaps a sign he's never got over watching
Threads as a teenager, secretly regrets the end of the Cold War, and has been stockpiling tinned food ever since to give his life some sense of purpose.
The Hero With a Thousand Masks
He's the man wearing his face mask properly, head held high, with insouciance. I recognise him when I see him, my heart does a little dance, and I catch myself wondering what he looks like...maskless.
