P2YL | 24. If someone cheats on you, it's their fault. Not yours.

The issue

A reader writes: 'I've no self-confidence as I’ve been married twice and both husbands cheated on me. My self-esteem is at rock bottom. 

‘I don’t have a clue how to go about meeting anyone. But I would like to try to find a lovely man to enjoy life with and to grow old with.'

The response

I love Coleen's straightforward admission when she writes:

I’ve been in the same position. A woman with an unfaithful husband. Twice.

She goes on to explain the tricks our wounded self-confidence plays on us and I agree with her:

Women are often the opposite of arrogant, so we have a tendency to come up with imaginary reasons to blame ourselves when a partner cheats on us. 

A cheating man on the other hand has a tendency to come up with imaginary excuses to make himself feel less guilty. 

Coleen is blunt and spot on: actions speak louder than words. A man cheats and leaves because he’s a cheater. He chose those actions when he could have chosen to stop at any point.

Speaking from experience

When my first husband cheated on and left me for someone else, I remember looking enviously at a lovely friend of mine (let's call her Samantha) who seemed to have every quality that makes a great life-partner: kind, attractive, loving, intelligent, a great hostess, good company, and stably married for 20+ years.

'This is just the sort of thing that would never happen to Samantha,' I remember thinking, filled with feelings of inferiority and loneliness.

Fast forward a few years, and I received a confidential phone call from her with tears in her voice: 'Well, Katrina — my husband's done the same thing to me as yours did to you.' 

I had difficulty believing what I was hearing but now I have seen more of life I know that being cheated on — going through a broken marriage — can happen to anyone and any marriage.

(BTW I’m happy to say Samantha is now contentedly remarried to a lovely man.)

Unreliable voices 

'If I were more beautiful...had a posh job...was smarter...a domestic goddess...more athletic…'

Tiny accusations whisper in your ear in the middle of the hell caused by someone else's betrayal.

The whispers are subtle lies. Consider the evidence:

Women who’ve been cheated on 

• Film star Audrey Hepburn was thought of as one of the most beautiful and desirable women in the world, yet her husband cheated on her. 

• Ditto the late Diana, Princess of Wales.

• Hillary Clinton, a woman of high intelligence and political acumen, had a cheating spouse.

• Martha Stewart, celebrated for her expertise in homemaking, went through a divorce, with it being reported that her husband had been unfaithful. 

Prominent women don't fare any better in the faithful partner stakes, and Coleen’s frank statement illustrates that. 

Beauty — brains — womanliness — money — personality — power: not one of these assets stopped someone’s partner cheating on them. 

Someone can always find an excuse to cheat if they feel like it.

I doubt if infidelity says anything meaningful about the marriage or the person left behind.

It says much more about the character of the unfaithful partner 

The good news

Please don’t let this put you off your own Part 2 Of Your (Love?) Life, because this is not the whole story.

In maturity you can discover people who are what JB Priestley termed a 'real man or woman — not a mere bundle of self-indulgence.'

People who get that couple-commitment is a more vital force than the unfettered pursuit of their own personal pleasure.

 
Coleen’s wise conclusion 

To sum up the rest of Coleen's advice:

Take a year before considering a new relationship to give yourself time to learn to love oneself and begin to heal. 

And when you do go back into relationships, you will find you are doing it from a place of more strength and better confidence. 

I can't do better than echo her sign-off words:

💕💕 Good luck. I’m rooting for you! 💕💕

🍃🍃🍃