P2YL | 65. Two dating sins I committed

Written not to offend but in the interests of transparency about past mistakes

1. The half-fat sin: Brief Encounter(s)

I call this a half-fat sin because some people might brush it off as a newly divorced woman having what the French call ‘les petites aventures’.

Looking back I think I was so in shock that subconsciously I had to prove to myself I was still a desirable woman. I turned my back on the woman I had been and embarked on no-strings flings with attractive (mostly) younger men. 

At the time I joked to close friends that I was simply having in my forties all the fun I’d missed out in my teens and early twenties. Believe it or not, up till that point the first and only man I had slept with was my husband on our honeymoon.

But now I felt heart-changingly, life-changingly let down, not just by him, but by everything I had previously taken on trust: about life, faith, love, and marriage.

'Cougar City'

This was Western society’s era of the cougar. There was even a TV series, Cougar City, starring Courtney Cox. Women who were assertive and adventurous in pursuing physical relationships were celebrated.

We mid-life divorcées were taking our cues from Sex and the City, Girls, and Pulling. 

Theoretically everyone involved was free and single, willing and of age, nobody got hurt, and no damage was done, as far as I knew. 

But how much did I in fact know? There’s probably only one Being who knows the whole truth and at the time I doubted any such existence and so swatted away any second thoughts.



❝ Putting the wiggle back in my walk ❞

I’ve heard it said if we could genuinely see the whole human story around us, the bigger picture and its hidden repercussions, we’d find it easy to choose the right thing.

As it is, we only see a tiny bit of the whole, lack trust in ancient wisdom, and are prone to reject what doesn’t fit in with what we want, here and now.

At the time I complacently felt my woman-of-the-world ways were helping put the sashay back in my step. Now I look back with regret at some of my actions and think: 

Even leaving out the rights and wrongs of it, wouldn’t it have been classier not to?



2. The full-fat sin: A Married Man

After several years of casual dalliances with no prospect of a serious relationship, a devil-may-care stoniness was growing inside of me.



Perhaps that explains how I succumbed to a few weeks’ entanglement with a man I knew to be happily married but prone to affairs.

❝ What you’re doing makes you just as bad as the woman who went off with your ex-husband ❞

A close friend of mine with a steady moral compass, and who never gave up on me, said, ‘But doesn’t what you are doing make you just as bad as the woman who cheated on her own husband and had an affair with yours and then went off with him?’

No, I said, because I’m not doing what she did. I’m not trying to take him away and break up his marriage. I know he loves his wife and is staying with her. I just want some fun. 

But that’s a short-sighted view and I was playing a role that never sat comfortably with me. My conscience refused to shut up. I faced up to the fact that, whatever my motivation, it didn’t make it right. 

I ended it. Sharpish.

He and his wife are still together. It's possible he's still having flings on the side; I have no contact anymore.

But not with me. Never again.

Escaping into healthier relationships

I put that phase behind me. A while later I met a very agreeable divorced man online, and we had what I’d call a proper relationship. In the end we weren’t quite right for each other but it proved there was still potential out there.



Finally, at a walking/hiking group, Tim and I met and we ended up marrying 18 months later.

The fresh start factor

I want to own my moral mistakes but I also feel humble and grateful that fresh starts are always possible.

Next time on 👒 P2YL: 🔐 Two key dating decisions I made (Sometimes I did manage to get it right.)

🌱🍃👒