katrina-robinson_v1

P2YL | 56. Online v. offline dating: the verdict

Sat, 18 Apr 2026 14:27:19 GMT

I've done both. Here's how I rate them.

Picture this: a noble palomino horse, worthy of a romantic novel by Danielle Steel, runs and wins the Grand National, fair and square.

Fifteen years later an adjudicator confiscates the winner’s trophy, saying:

‘Sorry. We’ve declared the race null and void. You’re going to have to go back to the starting-line and run the whole race again.’

Back at Square 1?

Only this time the palomino is older, tireder, perhaps a little jaded.

And uneasily aware there are forty or so younger, fitter fillies with lovely glossy manes and polished hooves, coming up close behind.

This just about sums up how I felt, faced with going back on the singles scene after the end of a fourteen-year marriage.

This was 2006 and my last date had been in 1990.

Dating as a twentysomething

v.

Dating as a midlifer

Marriage with someone special had not been my only life-goal, but it had been one of them.

As a woman of faith I’d genuinely felt guided to my first husband but now that he had cheated on me and left me for someone else I was at an all-time low in the faith-stakes.

Life deals you a hand of cards

Now I felt life had dealt me a hand of cards I wouldn’t personally have chosen so I had to play them to the best of my ability.

So I put my thinking-cap on, as my primary-school teacher would have said, put some ideas into action, and then gave the ideas years to come to full fruition.

Not weeks or months. Years.

Don’t panic — good things take awhile

Be reassured: looking back that time seems to have passed in a flash and the results were more than justified.

I used the time to fashion an interesting life for myself and was in the right place both physically and mentally for my future husband to find me.

We’ve just celebrated our tenth wedding anniversary with much joy.

Below is the process that took me from disappointed divorcée to a new life and a new marriage.

A wise woman chooses a dual approach

I used both online and offline ways of meeting people because my experience is, it’s a numbers game.

The world is an abundant place. Think about it: it’s highly unlikely that there isn’t someone out there suited to you and you to him.

All it takes is one man. And opportunity.

This doesn’t mean you have to overwhelm yourself; it’s fine to put your profile on pause or step back from socialising for a rest sometime.

Just don’t give up completely and shut yourself off.

Ground rules for avoiding overwhelm

To stay in control of my online dating life and not let it control me, I wrote in my Diary of a Divorcée :

Just tonight or forever?

Let’s face it: online dating can be a vehicle for casual flings, or for meeting a marriage partner.

I’m writing here specifically about dating for marriage.

For this I evolved and fine-tuned the following process:

1. Get in the right frame of mind.

Read some books about dating to get familiar with something you may not have done for a while and to build up confidence in yourself as the loveable, attractive woman you are because as The Rules ™️ emphasises, ‘You are a creature unlike any other.’

2. Research different sites.

I experimented by picking one mass-market site, Match, plus swapping in and out of more niche sites: Love and Friends (which styles itself ‘The UK dating site for thinking people’), Christian Connection (faith-based) and an arts-based one; it might have been LoveArts.

On the whole I found the niche sites more conducive to finding people I could have a genuine connection with .

Ask friends for recommendations as well as looking at the sites themselves to get its vibe or atmosphere, the sort of men who use it, and see if you feel comfortable with it.

I’d always advise someone who is taking dating seriously to be a paying-member of a site rather than a freebie.

As well as giving more access and advantages, I think it sends a signal of serious intent, of not being a player.

You’re not committed to paying for the rest of your life; just for a season.

How I freed up money for the expense of dating

I cut back on other things in order to have a ‘personal budget’ that covered elements like dating sites and events, grooming, clothes:

3. Let him contact you first.

I did start out by contacting people first but it’s been my experience that contacts that were initiated by the man have much more genuine potential than the other way round.

I found that if someone can be bothered to contact you, read your bio, and write a decent message, they feel a genuine spark for you that holds promise.

What if I don't get many people contacting me?

There were plenty of times when nothing seemed to be happening.

This is good, I was told, because it means the process of filtering out men with less potential and who can’t be bothered is working and ultimately saving me time and heartache.

I also took some personal action.

I would sit down with a cuppa or glass of wine in front of my laptop after work one night and update my photos, or rewrite part of my bio, or add in a new pastime and a jokey comment about it.

I’d also increase my geographical range. Not only my city environs but places where I already had a connection such as family or friends and could visit easily.

Because you never know which suitable person lies just outside your immediate area or which tweak to your profile causes someone to notice you for the first time.

4. Respond to contact, but not that split second.

After all, you’re not the sort of woman who is anxiously tied to your phone, are you?

You’re a woman with better things to do rather than desperate scrolling.

Give both you and him a little breathing-space before responding.

�� P2YL top tip no. 1 ��

5. Don’t spend more than a couple of weeks communicating with someone online before meeting in real life.

Dating sites are meant to be an introduction service between real physical people, not an end in themselves.

I’ve known people message each other on and off for months and never even meet because essentially one of them was wasting the other’s time.

Savvy dating means finding out sooner rather than later how you relate to one another as real, flesh-and-blood people.

Let him suggest it. If he doesn’t, move on.

�� P2YL top tip no. 2 ��

6. Even if you don’t feel immediate chemistry with someone on a first date, if he seems a decent man and nice enough, give him at least three dates before you come to any definite conclusion.

Here’s why I think this is crucial:

�� Next time: My tried-and-tested ideas for meeting people offline

Part 2 of Your Love Life | The comfort zone

Thu, 19 Mar 2026 17:20:11 GMT

When the unthinkable happens, it feels as though, suddenly and without warning, the ship you’ve been sailing on safely for so long has sunk, leaving you clinging to the wreckage in a choppy, grey sea. Still painfully alive, but with open wounds and in deep shock.

At this stage you need to find the metaphorical equivalent of respite. You need to find comfort and a way to let the wounds begin their healing process. Not too much violent action and lashing out. Save your energy. Just hold on.Then gradually, gradually, inch yourself into a lifeboat, and rest.

When my own personal unthinkable happened — a much loved and trusted husband of a dozen or so years had an affair and left me to be with her — I kept diaries into which I poured all that rage and misery. For years I could not bear to read them, but now they give me vital clues on who to get through and how to get through trauma.

'The craft'

What to do with those endless hours when your mind continues to churn over its misery like a rat caught in a maze?

I recommend distraction as a powerful balm.

I am no good at craft and early on in my life wrote it off as boring, but, going through my own miserable time, I bought a beginner’s simple cross-stitch kit from an art shop and was surprised at how it absorbed and soothed my jangling nerves. There is something mesmerising and hypnotic about the rhythm and repetition of the stitches. The feeling of wool and cotton slipping through the fingers, the handling of soft fabrics, soothes and strokes the skin. As the body is soothed, so the mind relaxes. My hands stopped trembling.

Working with needle and thread was a traditional female craft and as I sat doing my tapestry in the evening, I felt slightly comforted in the knowledge that generations of women had done the same, sewing into stitches and seams their misery and frustration at the hands of men and life. They had gone before me, gone through it, and come out the other side. Their pain was in the past. Perhaps, if they could do it, so could I? Perhaps one day my pain would be history too?

Bibliotherapy

Losing myself in a book to give myself a break from reality is another coping method. This is when I discovered Persephone Books which reprints ‘forgotten’ fiction by and about mid-twentieth century women. They are timeless and nostalgic at the same time.

Just why is nostalgia comforting? I think it's because it’s safely in the past and is a reminder that one day our pain will be in the past too. And there was something visually appealing about these women in their retro fashions with their shopping baskets and powder compacts and stiff upper lips, who mostly didn’t have to juggle as many life facets as we do today: job outside the home, domestic life, the pressure imposed by trying to live up to Instagram.

I admit I’m looking at the past through rose-tinted lenses here, but isn’t it sensible to protect your eyes with sunglasses when the light is too glaring? As a woman I have always been glad I’m alive now rather than then, but it was calming to escape into the lives of these women for a while.

Since then I’ve also discovered other favourite publishers who specialise in discovering and republishing books from the past, such as Dean Street Press , Turnpike Books , and Handheld Press .

For the worst days, for insomnia, there was Celia Haddon’s The Yearbook of Comfort and Joy , snippets of reassurance combined with her collection of cosy rural Victoriana, and The Fireside Book of DavidHope (see The Varnished Culture website for an evocation of the appeal of The Fireside Book series) whose idealised picturescapes and easy-to-read poems gave me something to immerse myself in when mental effort was too hard.

Movement

I mostly hate sport but to give myself a short-term goal to focus on I decided I would finally learn to swim.. It was a revelation to discover that learning to swim with an encouraging one-to-one coach in a warm, uncrowded pool with no danger of going out of your depth was nothing like the miserable school experience of sadistic games teachers trying to oversee 30 kids all at once in a freezing cold pool.

An absolute beginner in modern-day gyms, this was also the time I discovered how soothing water can be. My muscles unknotted in the gym whirlpool, I felt calm stealing over me by taking breaths of lavender-scented air in steamroom-cum-sauna.

I wrote, ‘Learning to swim.Two lessons a week. I go into the lovely café afterwards, have a cup of tea andapple, read the newspapers and feel oddly comforted. An enjoyable day even in the middle of heartache and uncertainty.’

Today I would call this experience finding and sheltering in the eye of the storm.

The forlorn figure in the lifeboat was beginning to unslump herself out of the foetal position, to look about and take stock.

P2YL | 55. MORE inspiration for Part 2 Of Your (Love?) Life

Fri, 06 Mar 2026 17:21:47 GMT

Why you need to date differently second time round PLUS The books and films that help you do it

With this post I’m continuing the series I started in P2YL | 52. How to find Part 2 (Love?) Life inspiration .

Use it as a handy guide to finding ideas on my website for aspects of your own Part 2.

Here I’m focusing on two specific elements and three ideas for each one:

Entertainment and infotainment to cheer you along the way ➡️ Films and books that bring balm

Dating in midlife/post-divorce: why it's different & how to make it work for you ➡️ Midlife dating

�� Films and books to bring you balm

Fed up of improbable rom-coms and saccharine-sweet stories that induce cavities rather than bringing a spring to your soul?

Here are three posts on films and books that made me realise:

I could take action to live fully and fascinatingly while single;

I could act intentionally if I wanted to find love and marriage again.

�� 'Live Alone and Like It', by Marjorie Hillis

��️ Five favourite films for a fallow season

��My 8 favourite dating books

�� Midlife dating

��‘Your romantic life isn’t over just because of what your husband did.’

�� ‘You need to learn to flirt again.’

These are two things that were said to me by my wonderfully supportive and encouraging female GP as I took my first nervous steps back into the world of girl meets boy after 14 years as a smug married.

��‍♀️ 'Where do I meet eligible men that I like?'

2️⃣ Things I do differently second time round

5️⃣ The 5 new ways to date with a P2YL mindset

I’ll be sharing more topics next time and over the coming weeks including:

Marriage — infidelity — divorce

Remarriage

Post-divorce finances: how to be ‘Poor but posh’

NEW: P2YL is on Substack

Sun, 08 Feb 2026 17:20:45 GMT

Part 2 Of Your (Love?) Life : regular newsletters to support other women building a new life after heartbreak or an unwanted divorce.

Featuring:

surviving the darkest early days;

sharing my own story with some laughs along the way;

upping feminine confidence through clothes and style;

learning to be a Quality Woman meeting Quality Men;

proving it’s still possible to have an elegant life on less money.

��

P2YL | 52. How to find Part 2 (Love?) Life inspiration

Fri, 23 Jan 2026 09:46:42 GMT

Whatever stage you're at, I have something for you

�� Based on personal experience, Part 2 Of Your (Love?) Life is dedicated to

* Reclaiming love and feminine confidence * Often after divorce or heartbreak *

Or simply enjoying a feminine boost ��

A big Welcome! to you if you’re new to P2YL | Part 2 Of Your (Love?) Life , and to P2YLers everywhere.

What inspiration you seek is intimately related to what stage you are at in your own journey. Believe me, I went through them all before it all came together and I reached my own happy conclusion.

Today I’m focusing on just two specific elements and share three favourite posts for each one:

For when you’re feeling low ➡️ Finding comfort

Enhancing how you look? ➡️ Looking good

Finding c omfort

I can honestly say divorce for me came with a capital D. A painful amputation of a joint life. I had to find ways to survive till the worst was over.

For soul-comforting, try these top posts:

�� Your first survival checklist

�� Finding comfort in dark times

�� The pep-talk from a Queen that gave me courage

Looking good

I realised I was born with physical genes I couldn’t change. But I could develop and improve the way I presented myself.

�� Learning to dress for a happier me

��️��️ Peak style : inspiration from the women of Peaky Blinders

�� Five little French feminine ways

I’ll be sharing more topics next time and over the coming weeks including:

Midlife dating
Books & films to cheer you on your way
Marriage — infidelity — divorce
Remarriage
Post-divorce finances: how to be ‘Poor but posh’

New Paragraph

P2YL | 51. Why would any woman say, 'Love, honour, and OBEY'? I did. And then I didn't.

Mon, 22 Dec 2025 19:38:56 GMT

Next in the series: Five ways my Part 2 wedding was different from Part 1

�� Based on personal experience, Part 2 Of Your (Love?) Life is dedicated to

* Reclaiming love and feminine confidence

* Often after divorce or heartbreak

* Or simply enjoying a feminine boost ��

First wedding

What sort of modern woman, unless she's a doormat, actually chooses to include the word ‘obey’ in her wedding vows, as in ‘Love, honour, and obey’?

I did, first time round. OK, hear me out: here’s why, and why I chose to do it differently when I got married for a second time.

Wedding no. 1: T minus 6 weeks and counting

SCENE : A vicar’s study in a C of E megachurch, a few weeks before wedding no. 1. Present are the Bride, Groom, and Vicar.

BRIDE (me): I know most people don’t these days, but if it’s still an option I’d like to include ‘obey’ along with ‘love and honour’.

VICAR listening and considering, then turning to the GROOM : You do realise, Ben*, that if Katrina chooses to do this, it adds even greater weight to your responsibility to ensure that you NEVER abuse it?

The room seemed filled with light and love.

Earlier posts in this series:

P2YL | 50. Big party or select do ? ��

P2YL | 48. Live together beforehand or not ? ��

When not to 'obey'

VICAR explaining further: If a couple aren’t coming from a background where they’re mature-minded christians who have thought through the whole thing and understood the concept, I’d say Don’t touch ‘obey’ with a bargepole.

Mr Big vs. Mr BigHearted

What the promise is not:

It’s not a case of ‘Oy you, wifey, fetch my slippers!’

It’s more about a spirit of cooperation with the plans of someone you love, respect, and admire. Otherwise you wouldn’t choose to share your life with him. At least that’s the approach I took.

You watch someone’s character carefully throughout the whole dating process and you don’t pick someone who habitually rides roughshod over you or anyone else.

My radical foremothers

Even so my decision was considered both a bit retro and a bit radical.

My parents were married in the Methodist Church in the 1950s and the Methodist service purposely leaves out the word ‘obey’.

One generation further back, I was told that when my grandparents got married in the 1920s, my grandfather’s parents had suggested to him and his new bride that my grandmother be nominally in charge as she was considered to have the better business brain.

Second wedding

Second time round, I chose to omit 'obey'.

I was no longer at all sure there was any God or divine purpose in life but my instinct was still for a church marriage.

Maybe deep down I still see it as a ‘mystic union’, more than simply signing a contract required by the State.

'To love and to cherish'

This time we went with the more usual ‘love and cherish’ in our vows as they felt appropriate to the man and woman we were now: two mature people coming together who’ve been through a lot in life and this has had an effect on our psyche.

Any difference how it's played out in either relationship?

In both cases we usually instantly feel or felt the same way about any decision. If it’s more complicated, we give ourselves time to think it over. Sometimes I recognise he has greater expertise than I do in some areas, whereas at other times he recognises my instinctual approach is right.

So I’d say we both give way to the other at different times. We both submit to each other.

What about so-called 'trad wives'?

At the same time, I don't have a problem with women like Alena-Kate Pettit and her more traditional approach. She's clearly thought it through.

I also feel the warning from the wise vicar back then still stands:

If a couple aren’t mature-minded [spiritual people]

and haven’t thought the whole thing through

and understood the implications,

I’d say,

Don’t touch ‘obey’ with a bargepole.'

P2YL | Five ways my Part 2 wedding was different from Part 1

is part of a series including:

P2YL | 50 . Big party or select do ? ��

P2YL | 48 . Live together beforehand or not ? ��

Forthcoming:

��‍��‍��‍�� Father-of-the-bride? What about mother-of-the-groom?

�� Wedding dress and wedding hair second time round

P2YL | 50. Five ways my Part 2 wedding was different from Part 1

Mon, 01 Dec 2025 13:07:06 GMT

2) Big party or select do? ��

First wedding: innocence personified

We were in our mid to late-twenties. My mother was dead and I had absolutely no idea how to organise a wedding and who does what. Despite this, it was glorious.

A guest list of 130 (‘Who on earth are they all?’ exclaimed my sister who wasn’t into weddings) because naïvely we thought we were sharing our joy with so many of the church congregation where we had met.

A £350 frothy ivory sateen wedding dress and veil from The Laura Ashley Wedding Collection. Hymns and choruses. The service was conducted by the sincere and cheerful vicar at the mega-church where my husband and I had met two years before

Complete certainty and trust in each other/Life/God/the wedding promises we had made each other.

One comment that got back to us from a civilian was that it was the most special wedding he had ever been to.

Second wedding: thank God there is always a Plan B

By now it was twenty-five years later.

After all I had been through I was so thankful to discover that Life/God/The Universe/However you want to view it has a Plan B in our lives.

Small is beautiful

This wedding was in a tiny local church and was taken by a vicar who had known both me and my first husband and had counselled me during the separation and divorce process.

This time we chose to have simply the vows and liturgy, no hymns, no music, no vast hordes of flowers.

I wore a dress which I bought from Phase Eight for £75 and which I wore on special occasions afterwards. I think a white bridal dress at a second wedding looks tacky.

There was a total of thirteen people present (I have no truck with superstition) and there would have been one more if my sister hadn’t got stuck at Reading due to a broken-down train. But she made it to the restaurant meal. No desire for a big wedding-breakfast and reception this time.

We were a smallish group round a table, we didn’t do speeches and I had to go home early as I got a migraine from all the excitement.

Everyone was very relaxed about it and I felt no pressure, leaving them to enjoy themselves while I went off to cool sheets and a darkened room to recover.

'What becomes of the broken-hearted?'

I don’t disbelieve in the idea of couples being ‘brought together’ but I also believe that if one of them or both of them walk away from that commitment, that does not mean an abandoned partner will be left alone for the rest of their lives.

I believe in Abundant Life and it is big enough to have a Plan B in store.

So this second wedding was in the spirit of a deeply felt gratitude and reassurance.

Which was the better wedding?

Neither. Both. Big party or select do: I think it's up to the couple themselves to choose.

It’s a hard world, and fun and celebration and dressing up are things that add an essential ingredient to life. For me, both these weddings were heartfelt.

One question we need to ask

Only…I do sometimes wonder if we have a tendency to get the balance wrong and put more effort into the wedding-day than making sure the marriage lasts a lifetime.

Things like keeping our promises. Admitting our mistakes. Turning away and getting rid of people and things and habits that might destroy us as a couple.

It’s something I still need to remind myself with my tendency to be selfish and impatient.

What if these words were part of all wedding ceremonies?

Just imagine if the church celebrant turned to the couple and guests and said:

'In the years following today, sometimes you will be tempted to become involved with someone else.

'Sometimes you will be flippin’ sick/fed-up/irritated/impatient with your marriage-partner.

'Sometimes you will think your marriage is a mistake and you are married to the wrong person.

'At those times, unless it’s a matter of ‘the 5 As’* ie adultery, abuse, addiction, abandonment, take yourself back to this moment here and now as you stand before us:

Remember how beautiful and special your partner looks today.

Remember the promises everybody here today as witnesses has heard you make.

We’re believing in you.

Stay true.'

�� ��

P2YL | 48. Six ways my Part 2 wedding differed from Part 1 is part of a series including:

�� Live together beforehand or not ? ��

�� A wedding: big party or select and sacred?

�� ‘Love, honour, and obey ’ ?!?!?

A candid look at how I viewed it in Part 1 and Part 2 Of My (Love?) Life

��‍��‍��‍�� Father-of-the-bride? What about mother-of-the-groom?

�� Wedding dress and wedding hair second time round

��

* I’ve listed four As here but I’ve got a faint memory there is a fifth. One very wise woman suggested it should be A for Acting like an Asehle.

P2YL | 49. 'I always knew your marriage would be a disaster' ... and the flaky things people say

Fri, 07 Nov 2025 11:27:53 GMT

Learning to shake off the flawed and flaky

This gives the flavour of an email an older woman sent to me when I shared my heartbreak with her over my husband’s affair.

She and her husband had been my husband’s friends before I had known him.

On the surface she appeared friendly and positive towards me and towards us as a couple, and played an active role on our wedding day.

The poisoned pen

So her email stabbed me like a second betrayal coming right on the horns of my husband’s first. I felt the same way I had aged eight when I attempted a handstand and fell flat on my back.

Winded. Gasping for air. All the oxygen knocked out of me.

And was it me, or was there a hint of secret glee at what had happened?

Honorary sisters in the experiences of life

I had reached out to her because I’ve learned that you are never on your own when going through the bad stuff life can throw at you. There is a circle around you of what I like to think of as ‘honorary sisters’ in shared life-experiences.

Granted, this woman hadn’t been through divorce but I believed she was someone I could confide in. I looked up to her almost as an honorary big sister.

After that I saw her more as the ugly stepsister.

What is the Honorary Sisterhood?

Despite this, I’m still a believer in finding your own personal circle of honorary sisters because even from the ugly stepsister I gained a valuable lifelong gift, one she had never intended.

Identifying your honorary sisters

I found my circle by identifying kindly women I knew or had known in the past who were divorced, or who were experienced in being alongside women going through it.

Together they helped me begin to believe I could survive and even that there might be happiness for me in the future.

Unique gifts

What struck me about the honorary sisters was that they all passed on a uniquely different gift. Three of them in particular stand out. In my head I named each of them after their special quality:

Abby: the pastoral sister.

Serena: the serene sister.

Praxis: the strategist.

Abby: the pastoral sister

The ugly stepsister’s poisoned dart had the effect of leading me to the pastoral sister who possessed the antidote.

I’ll call the pastoral sister Abby. She brought love and spiritual insight to help disinfect the wounds left by the email.

Abby was a spiritual director and musician. She and her husband knew my husband and me as a couple. She had never experienced divorce, but she knew more than enough about the challenges of marriage, of women’s lives.

When you were with her you sensed that she was aligned with the timeless and true while at the same time she had the ability to tune in completely to who you were and what you were going through.

Abby’s gift: common-sense and cake

Abby carefully read the email I had printed out for her.

She frowned.

She sighed.

She shook her head.

There was the occasional eye-roll.

‘Who does this woman think she is?’ she murmured as she read.

We discussed all the claims made in the email and its overall tone. In the end we decided to file it.

Vertically, in the bin, where it belonged.

Then we had a cup of tea and a slice of cake.

Before I left, Abby prayed a prayer with and over me, asking that I would be protected from taking on board any harmful effects from the ugly stepsister’s words.

Did it work?

Does praying for something ‘work’?

Did anything good come out of what felt like a spiteful attack?

All I can say is something happened that day that has benefited me ever since. For the first time I fully took on board that we have a choice regarding other people’s judgements and was able to act on it.

It was like developing a new superpower.

We are not obliged to offer headspace to anyone’s and everyone’s personal opinions.

I half-knew this before. Now I could act on it.

The ugly stepsister’s unexpected gift

And since then I shut the door firmly and emphatically on the harmful, the hurtful, and the flawed. And the flaky.

So in a weird way I’m grateful even to the ugly stepsister, for giving me a gift she never even intended.

��

P2YL | 48. Five ways my Part 2 wedding differed from Part 1

Sat, 25 Oct 2025 14:45:55 GMT

1) Live together or not? ��

First night

When I met and married Husband No. 1 in my 20s we chose not to live or sleep together before we got married.

We had met out of the blue one day at church , were committed to our faith, and this was the right choice for us.

While I still honour and respect that decision, I felt differently years later as a 40+ woman who was unwillingly single again.

I still had boundaries, just different ones.

Five wild years

I was so hurt and disillusioned by what had happened to me that in the years immediately after divorce, I rejected my previous values and experimented with a completely different way of life.

Then my authentic self began to assert herself. I didn’t want casual flings any longer. I didn’t reject the physical but I wanted to take things slowly and marry a wonderful man one day. Who doesn't?

New boundaries

My personal boundary was that I wouldn’t move in with someone unless we were an engaged couple with a ring and our wedding-date booked.

You can call me a Rules Girl if you like.

Why no cohabs for me?

It is absolutely a personal decision for each woman whether she wants to live with her partner or not.

I’ll explain how I arrived at my own personal decision.

I appreciate there are plenty of couples happily living together to whom neither of the following scenarios applies.

The dangerous drift

True story: I’ve seen more than one loving woman hurt and frustrated by moving in with someone she looks forward to committing to in marriage at some point.

As a couple they drift on. We’re happy as we are, he says, why change anything? A curiously undefined feeling arises between them that borders on edginess and uncertainty.

If she plucks up courage to end it because she’s not happy with the situation, she might feel she has wasted time and herself with a man who ultimately doesn’t want the same things.

Logically, it happens to married couples too although marriage has the benefit of ensuring a legal status, rights and protections.

The dreaded default

I’ve known couples who’ve lived together for yonks, got married (was there an element of default?), and then divorce in short order.

Making the right decision for me (us)

As for me, I wanted to avoid the dangerous drift or the marriage-by-default. I wanted it to be an intentional decision on both our parts.

My Part 2 proposal

I’m a great believer in the ‘two years, commit or quit’ concept.

As an astute man, Tim recognised this. Well within this two-year time-frame he took me away for a Beatles weekend in Liverpool.

In our hotel he picked up his guitar and the sheet-music to a medley of Beatles songs, serenaded me, then asked me to marry him, complete with an engagement ring.

I said, Yes!

Our first step wasn’t to move in together.

We booked the wedding, put our separate homes on the sale or rental market, and timed it so that we moved into our marital house a few days short of our wedding day.

Here’s our unfiltered wedding-morning selfie (7 April 2016):

Nearly ten years later (I recognise that if marriage is for life, ten years isn’t a long time) we have no regrets we did it that way.

�� ��

P2YL | 48. Six ways my Part 2 wedding differed from Part 1 is part of an upcoming series including:

�� A wedding: big party or select and sacred ?

�� ‘Love, honour, and obey’ ?!?!?

A candid look at how I viewed it in Part 1 and Part 2 Of My (Love?) Life

��‍��‍��‍�� Father-of-the-bride? What about mother-of-the-groom?

�� Wedding dress and wedding hair second time round

��

P2YL | 47. How Diane Keaton started a one-woman style revolution

Tue, 21 Oct 2025 15:16:49 GMT

In the wake of the sad news of the loss of Diane Keaton (1946–2025), we revisit her standout style persona in 'Annie Hall'

P2YL BOOK RECOMMENDATION | 46. Leave a Cheater, Gain a Life

Sat, 11 Oct 2025 12:41:15 GMT

The Chump Lady’s Survival Guide , by Tracy Schorn

When the idea came to me for writing Part 2 Of Your (Love?) Life: reclaiming love and feminine confidence , it was because I couldn’t get on with so many of the books currently written about divorce which had been caused by a spouse’s unfaithfulness and desertion.

Yes, we are all imperfect, but I felt there was something intrinsically wrong with the premise that the marriage, and the faithful partner, must be lacking in some way to ‘cause’ infidelity.

It’s a form of victim-blaming so subtle we don’t even see it.

I’m more in agreement with Hope from Thirtysomething (remember that series?) when she declared of an acquaintance who had walked out on his marriage:

‘I don’t think his marriage failed.

I think he failed.

I think he had a perfectly flawed, regular marriage,

like everybody else,

and he couldn’t handle it.’

Now at last I come across a book that brings the balance back.

Leave a Cheater, Gain a Life: the Chump Lady’s Survival Guide , by Tracy Schorn (Philadelphia: Running Press, 2016)

New edition due September 2026

What I loved about it

Tracy Schorn wants to change the narrative around affairs, and she does it in a punchy and amusing way, liberally illustrated by her own cartoons.

It makes you laugh and feel strengthened, even through heartbreak.

Some busted myths

She stands up to the Hollywood assertion that couples who cheat are justified because their ‘needs aren’t being met’.

Oh those poor, unfortunate, star-crossed lovers.

Why is this myth so profitable?

She points out that the whole reconciliation-and-counselling-industrial-complex puts the onus on the already devastated, betrayed partners to agonise over their own failings that ‘made’ this happen.

This book points out what used to be considered plain truth: the major failing is on the cheater’s side. They seemed to have a sense of entitlement that made them think they had a ‘right’ to cheat.

Nobody ‘makes’ someone else take their clothes off etc etc for heaven’s sake.

Key takeaways

You cannot ‘affair-proof’ your marriage no matter what a magazine article tells you.

So do not blame yourself for someone else’s behaviour. You can only control your own behaviour, not your spouse’s.

‘The fine art of no-contact.’ No-contact with an ex-spouse really is the most dignified, most healing way forward.

I’m glad my own split happened before social media had really got going and there was no opportunity or temptation to keep tabs on another.

Contact is necessary if there are children involved but Tracy Schorn shows you how to handle it in a strictly ‘this is business and nothing else’ way that minimises the pain and avoids the fallout for you.

‘Getting to meh.’ Meh is the stage where the pain is fading and Tracy reassures you it will happen.

Forgiveness is : ‘I didn’t kill you so consider yourself forgiven.’

Sometimes that’s the best we can do for the time being. Don’t beat yourself up if you currently feel forgiveness is a dirty word.

Gaining a life: love again . ‘Do not let your cheater be the last thing you ever invested in.’

Yes, you can have a beginning built on fresh foundations. I did, and so can you.

‘Fix your picker.’ The ‘picker’ is your personal heart–brain mix that helps you decide who to love and trust in future.

As she describes:

I’m about as sure of my [new] husband as I am of anyone,

and I watched his character very closely before I ever committed to him….

But if he snowed me, God help me, I would move on.

I know my worth….

I’ve had to rebuild and reinvent myself over and over and over again.’ 

I'm in total agreement with Tracy on this, and would like to add:

��

P2YL | 45. Red Carpet women don't wear shoulder-bags

Mon, 01 Sep 2025 16:45:43 GMT

And what that means for girls like us

Perhaps it was going through the shock of divorce all those years ago that made me want to up the ante in the style-stakes.

I believe a man ultimately falls in love with the essence of who a woman is , but it is her appearance he notices first.

I like making an effort in how I look ⎯ for myself, for my husband, and for other people ⎯ so the aesthetics of being a woman will always interest me.

Seeing how other women put their clothes and appearance together is for me part of the learning-process.

Style-watching on holiday

Holidays are great opportunities for seeing and learning from other women’s personal style as most of us like to dress our best on holiday. It adds to the festive feeling.

This year, on holiday, sitting with my husband over after-dinner drinks in the bar of a classy hotel in the West of Ireland, I was in prime style-watching position.

The Powder Room Derby

A gentle stream of stylish women passed in front of us through the bar on their way to the terrace or ladies’ room.

Sipping my Old Fashioned (I’m a fan of Mad Men) I began to notice one detail over and over again.

By the end of the evening I had decided I wanted to change one of my wardrobe habits.

The Curse of the Shoulder-Bag

In this formal luxury environment most women wore stylish dresses but sometimes their appearance was spoilt by accompanying it with a daytime shoulder bag.

Why shoulder-bags and evening dresses don't always work

Symmetry is part of what the human eye interprets as beauty. Slinging a bag over one of your shoulders bisects your appearance by digging into the shoulder-line, interrupting the flow of a figure-skimming dress and skewing the balance of the whole.

It may also cause you to walk in a less poised way by causing your spine to bend in one direction and your carrying shoulder to fall forwards.

When shoulder-bags are just right

I rate shoulder-bags highly for day-to-day life as I tend to carry a lot of stuff, but I don’t think they function well in an evening ambience.

You never see a woman on the Holl ywood red carpet with a shoulder-bag do you?

Google it and see.

Clutch or handbag?

The most elegant women I saw going in and out of dinner that evening carried a handbag or clutch-bag, of a size and shape that wouldn’t interfere with the impact of the overall outfit.

No ‘It’ bags. Smart accessories but not loud, so you focused on the woman not her bag.

My years dating as a divorc ée

Going on dates as a new divorcée, I felt I needed a lot of things with me and a handbag or clutch wouldn't be big enough to contain them.

So I ended up packing them all into a sturdy shoulder-bag which probably knocked a few points off my total look.

Style-improv

Meanwhile back in the present-day luxury hotel I realised I had forgotten to pack my posh handbag and didn’t have a clutch-bag.

Then I had an idea.

I improvised a clutch by emptying the sunglasses out of their pouch and popping in the fewest items I have discovered I can get away with on an evening out:

Tiny hairbrush.
Housekeys.
Phone.
Tissues.

My days of dating ‘preparedness anxiety’

In the past I would have thought it only sensible to carry:

Lipstick.
Concealer.
Blusher.
Pocket mirror.
Tissues.
Hairbrush.
Mild over-the-counter painkillers.
Phone.
Housekeys.
Collapsible umbrella.
Cash and cards in case phone technology doesn’t work.

Sometimes I even carried a personal alarm which in all my years I have never had to use. (Take note and take heart.)

Result: one style-tip and one life-tip

Two realisations came out of this holiday:

A handbag or clutch-bag complements an evening outfit better than a shoulder-bag.

Leaving behind 50% of the stuff I usually took didn’t affect the quality of the evening one iota.

This is quite a freeing thought. It makes me realise:

Perhaps I had no need to be as anxious as I used to be when going out?

It’s comforting, even now, to remind myself of that simple fact.

And it did turn out well in the end.

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Like what you're reading?

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P2YL | 44. Five little French feminine ways

Mon, 11 Aug 2025 12:05:00 GMT

Brought to you from somewhere in France

If you follow P2YL | Part 2 Of Your (Love?) Life on Facebook you’ll know that I love using it to share our holidays in mainland Europe or Ireland.

Freshly back from a break in France, I’m going to comment on some feminine life touches I noticed while I there, hopefully avoiding the clichés.

1. There was a more relaxed, unselfconscious atmosphere

* A pair of canvas espadrilles left on a seat inside an open door.

* Makeup and brushes jumbled together in comradely fashion in a comfortably bulging toiletries bag, left open at the side of the washbasin.

* Out and about, I got the impression that women felt less pressure to wear themselves out trying to keep everything immaculately perfect.

* This frees up time to live life more fully.

2. People weren’t overdressed but individualised their appearance with one detail

* Such as a gipsy-like headscarf, sometimes with a 1970s vibe, combined with statement sunglasses pushed onto the forehead.

* Or an ordinary white linen shirt and inexpensive cami given a lift by an intricately-patterned skirt.

3. People were dressed in the shorts and T-shirts you’d see in any average UK town, but…

* People mostly seemed to be of a healthy and comfortable weight.

* I noticed people seemed to eat more slowly and mindfully, enjoying talking and socialising at the same time.

* From my own experience I think this practice means you eat less and feel satisfied sooner.

* I noticed when eating breakfast pastries with two French nationalised citizens, that they handled their food differently from my typically British technique.

* Whereas my husband and I would lift an entire pastry to our mouths and take hearty bites out of it, our companions used their fingers to break off small, individual pieces of the pastry or croissant and eat them unhurriedly and delicately.

* A bit like gently sipping wine instead of gulping it down.

* I decided I could take a leaf out of this particular French book.

4. Shor t, neat, natural nails without excessive colour or length

* The fetish for nail-bars seems less in evidence in France.

* I wonder if French women take the view that over-colourised, fake, or nails like talons make a woman appear painfully self-obsessed?

* Trying too hard and making it glaringly obvious?

5. Thumbs down to baseball caps

* A simple straw hat, the brim pinned back with a small brooch, was fairly typical of what I saw.

* Baseball caps seemed to be avoided.

* Hats or headgear are great to experiment with as they can gently enhance your features.

* They also punctuate your appearance, rather like just the right pair of footwear.

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Like what you're reading?

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P2YL | 43. Two more tonic ideas

Sat, 26 Jul 2025 10:46:56 GMT

First I learned to survive. Then I learned to thrive. Now I pass on what I learned.

Here are links to two more ideas that I tried out when getting over heartbreak, a broken marriage and what felt like a future destroyed.

1️⃣ The power of having a P2YL | Part 2 Of Your (Love?) Life mindset : a new strategy for love, relationships, and marriage second time round.

2️⃣ The power of a new place . During the divorce process I went to a new city for a one-year full-time course. It was a catalyst for change and healing.

��

P2YL | 42. Where do I meet eligible men?

Sun, 13 Jul 2025 13:45:25 GMT

Media alert: 'The women joining high-end gyms for a month – to find a rich husband'

��

What do we make of this idea, ladies?

Melissa Twigg in the London Telegraph (08.07.2025) reports on a dating strategy for single women wanting to marry riches:

‘If you’re on the lookout for a rich husband then you “could” get a month’s membership at a health club, meet someone, and once you’ve bagged your man, stop the subscription.’

Makes you tut-tut in disapproval at such shallow and materialistic ‘gold diggers’?

I think, ‘Oh well, good luck to them.’

‘Improving your chances’

There is much P2YL | Part 2 Of Your (Love?) Life experience behind why I think many a woman who is neither shallow nor materialistic might improve her love- and life-chances through a little canny thinking.

Life as a single twenty-something woman

In my mid-twenties living in a university city it was easy to meet single, age-appropriate men via a lively middle-class church with a young congregation and lots of social events.

This is where I met and married Husband No. 1. Tragically, the marriage came to end after fourteen years.

Curious? I share more at My secret history .

Life as a divorced midlife woman

Second time round I was in my forties. By this point the dating pool was much smaller.

So if I were serious about marrying again, I realised I had to make an effort, use strategy and intentionality

Someone advised, ‘Just do what interests you and you’ll meet someone.’

Where this advice goes wrong

There are a couple of potential hiccups here:

What if your interests attract 99.9% women rather than men?

Looking for a carbon-copy of yourself isn’t necessarily love. It’s borderline narcissism. Having a partner with some differences means each partner contributes something different and refreshing to the relationship.

So I spread my interests a little more widely than my usual pursuits and I’d encourage other women in the same boat consider this too.

It doesn’t matter that sport/wine-tasting/an evening class in industrial architecture isn’t your life’s overruling passion.

A vague interest and willingness to discover more is enough to reap benefits because if you meet someone you like there, you often discover you enjoy each other's company and have other things in common.

The initial interest doesn’t have to be the one thing that binds you together.

Activities with ‘M’-appeal

Some activities I tried which I sensed would attract male participants:

Yes, I did join an upmarket gym . The environment helped me shape up, feel more comfortable with my body, and got me used to being round men again. So when I did go dating, I felt relaxed with men and they warmed to that.

The gym had also cottoned on to the fact that many people find themselves alone in midlife and so organised social events at which to meet other members.

A bookclub which didn’t read chicklit but instead classic literature and history. This attracted more men than women.

A debating club . The fact I had no intention of speaking in a public debate didn’t matter. As a club member, you could mingle and chat to other people over drinks afterwards. Slightly more men than women attended.

A cinema club which was friendly, social, and lively. A good mix of men and women.

An evening talk on Concorde/a day-event dedicated to Isambard Kingdom Brunel . Both topics attracted ten times more men than women.

Bridge. Actually I didn’t do this but an older widow I met said learning to play bridge had been a very good way for her to meet and get to know new men.

'Taking part makes you an even more interesting and attractive person to other people, including men.’

Even if you don’t meet a life-partner at one of these activities the fact you take part in them gives you new experiences to talk about and helps make you an even more interesting and attractive person to other people, including men you may meet later.

Things that get you off your sofa are often a good idea.

Remarriage

I also discovered the boon of Meetup groups.

Single again, I deliberately chose a local Meetup walking group that did 10k at weekends — rather than 5k weekday walks — as I sensed the weekend group would be more likely to attract fit and active men who were also gainfully employed during the working week.

I was right. Along came Tim. Next year is our tenth wedding anniversary. I couldn’t be happier and I hope he feels the same way!

My experience is, when you put the effort in and act intentionally and persist with a good heart, things happen, even if it takes time.

Simone de Beauvoir said:

‘It’s not a question of dreaming, it’s a question of willing.’

��

P2YL | 41. Whatever gets you through the night

Sat, 28 Jun 2025 14:06:11 GMT

First I learnt to survive, then I learnt to thrive

��

Last autumn I created a series called ‘September Spring’, a concentrated series of posts based on my own life-experience, on the theme of being ready for Part 2 Of Your (Love?) Life .

Call them little tonics or pick-me-ups, followed by the results that eventually came.

I’ll be sharing them with you here and in the next two P2YL newsletters.

Read the description of each and CLICK on the ones that ring a bell with you and your needs.

��

1️⃣ Remember these things when you feel at your worst

Good if you are interested in some words and images that helped me cling on to the belief that my life and I would get better, even if I couldn’t see any evidence at the time.

2️⃣ Daily helpers ⎯ the magic of lavender and linen ⎯ dealing with panic attacks at work ⎯ three healthy escape routes

Little things that worked for me till the worst was over. Plus three great allies you can call on when life gets anxious-making.

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P2YL | 40. Remember this if your femininity feels attacked by another's infidelity

Sat, 14 Jun 2025 14:33:53 GMT

An extract from my book-in-progress, Part 2 Of Your (Love?) Life: reclaiming love and feminine confidence after a broken marriage

If you were left by a husband for another woman, did you, like me, feel like you’d been kicked out of an exclusive club as though you weren’t considered good enough?

Tinged with a sense of feminine failure?

Reject that thought

Why?

Here’s what I wrote about it in my book-in-progress Part 2 Of Your (Love?) Life

Book extract

Your feminine self feels under attack

When you are let down so irrevocably by a trusted partner, confidence in yourself as a loveable woman can drop to zero.

We get these accusing voices in our heads: ‘If I were more beautiful...more sporty…had a posh job...was smarter...a domestic goddess...’.

‘This is just the sort of thing that would never happen to her.’

We find ourselves comparing ourselves with others.

I remember looking enviously at Candace, a friend who seemed to have every quality that makes for a great life-partner: kind, attractive, loving, intelligent, hospitable, a lovely mother to two sons. Stably married for over twenty years.

‘This is just the sort of thing that would never happen to Candace,’ I remember thinking.

‘Divorce can happen to anyone and any marriage’

Fast forward a few years after my own divorce, and I received a confidential phone call from her with tears in her voice: ‘Well, Katrina — my husband’s done the same thing to me as yours did to you.’*

At first I absolutely could not believe what I was hearing. Now I have seen more of life I see the truth in what a younger but wiser-than-her-years friend once told me, though at the time I shrugged off her words in blissful ignorance:

‘Going through a broken marriage — divorce — can happen to anyone and any marriage.’

Those self-appointed judges in our heads

Yet little, know-all opportunist judges set themselves up in our minds, telling us if we were different and, well, better, this wouldn’t have happened.

They are outrageous liars.

Just look at the reality:

Women of consequence with unfaithful husbands

The late Diana, Princess of Wales was stunningly attractive, considered a kind-hearted and compassionate woman. Her husband at the time, Prince Charles, although seemingly a conscientious man in many ways, appeared to prefer resuming and prioritising his affair with a former girlfriend, herself also married.

Film star Audrey Hepburn was thought of as one of the most beautiful and desirable women in the world. Her husband was unfaithful to her and it led to divorce.

Tina Turner , mega-famous singing and acting star, was cheated on by, and eventually divorced from, her husband.

Karisma Kapoor , Bollywood actress, suffered a broken marriage due to alleged infidelity on the part of her husband.

Hillary Rodham Clinton , whatever you think of her politics, is a woman of high intelligence and acumen. She was publicly and humiliatingly cheated on by her famous spouse.

Elin Nordegren was described by many as faithful, devoted, and family-orientated. Her famous husband Tiger Woods conducted multiple affairs, leading to their divorce.

The inescapable conclusion

�� Beauty
�� Brains
♀ Womanliness
�� Money
�� Personality
⚡️ Power

None of these desirable attributes stopped someone’s partner cheating on a standout woman.

The stark truth is, anyone can cheat and then come up with a reason to suit them. It doesn’t take much character to do that.

It’s also true that at any point someone can choose to stop. That takes more character.

So if betrayal and infidelity has wounded your feminine sense of self please be assured that:

Infidelity towards you never says anything meaningful about your worth as a woman.

It says much more about your partner, than it does or ever will do about you.

��

P2YL | 39. BOOK GIVEAWAY | 'Wholly Dating', by Roger Harper

Sun, 01 Jun 2025 17:20:05 GMT

Win a copy to find out what a midlife, marriage-minded, single man thinks about dating successfully

�� We have THREE FREE copies of WHOLLY DATING to give away ��

‘It is a truth universally acknowledged that most dating and relationship books are written by women.’

A man’s-eye-view of dating

So how refreshing to read Wholly Dating by Roger Harper, a UK writer and business developer with plenty of real-life pastoral experience, including the nitty-gritty of having worked as a prison chaplain.

Through years of insight into what makes people tick, it’s his conviction that deep down most of us yearn for ‘one faithful, forever partner’.

Writing from his own experience of midlife dating after divorce, Wholly Dating reveals a man’s-eye-view of how his own serious relationship developed from spotting someone’s profile, through first dates, falling in love, becoming engaged, and ultimately getting married.

‘Men and women loving each other as they love themselves’

As a former prison chaplain, the author is coming from a christian perspective but you don’t have to be a signed-up churchgoer to find some valuable suggestions and talking-points in his approach, especially if you see yourself as 'spiritual, not religious'.

Or ethics in life and relationships are important to you.

Or you find the idea of ‘Men and women loving each other as they love themselves’ (nicknamed ‘The Jesus Theory’) one beautiful framework to aspire to.

Dating: a journey

Wholly Dating is perfect for dipping into as it’s divided into sections that suit where you are in your own personal journey.

Dating in three stages

After a foundational section on the spiritual side, three further sections outlined below cover the relationship journey:

1. Preparing to date

This covers healing from past hurts, getting in the right mindset for opening yourself up to new relationships, navigating internet dating and finding ways to meet people through activities.

2. Enjoying dating

A group of chapters focusing on making initial contact and first dates to ongoing relationships: the ‘courtship’ concept and what it looks like in modern terms.

3. Beyond dating

This is the momentous stage of working out if you two are growing towards the formal commitment of engagement and marriage, or need to move on to give you both the chance of new relationships.

‘Commit or quit’ as someone phrased it.

Wholly Dating’s USP

What I as a woman found especially riveting is that it’s written from a mature, masculine perspective, plus his pastoral role means he has experience of understanding the mindset of many men from different walks of life.

He’s not naïve about some men’s behaviour and is frank about the need for men to deal with it if they want to be someone a woman can respect and trust enough to love and commit to.

A work of co-authorship

The book was also written partly in partnership with his wife, Sharon.

Meeting in their late fifties/early sixties, Wholly Dating is the result of wanting to pass on what they had learned together about building a healthy relationship, especially if it’s later on in life.

‘Hi Sharon, thanks for waving back’

It’s delightful to read some of the early, tentative online messages exchanged by the couple as they connect initially online and move through to meeting face-to-face for the first time.

I felt as thought I was holding my breath to see how it would develop, like a love-story where you’re mentally egging on two likeable characters to get together.

Advice from the dating frontline

You’ll find sensible advice and personal stories shared, and the author doesn’t shy away from writing frankly when it comes to discussing the physical side and boundaries you might want to establish so that the sexual side doesn’t outrun and throw the commitment side off-course.

My conclusion

Wholly Dating is realistic, readable guide especially recommended for:

�� Someone who strives to be a person of integrity and who wants to date someone of the same quality.

�� Any woman who might be wondering to herself:

Are there any good men left out there?

How can I recognise a man of honour rather than ‘a player’?

If I don’t want to be part of the casual hookup/disposable relationship culture, how do I/we form a different way of doing things?

�� GIVEAWAY

We have three free copies to give away.

If you’d like to win a copy, do these two things:

1. FOLLOW the P2YL | Part 2 Of Your (Love?) Life Instagram account .

2. LIKE AND COMMENT on the P2YL Instagram post about the Wholly Dating Book Giveaway dated 30/05/2025.

Terms & Conditions

OFFER CLOSES by the end of Saturday 7 June 2025 , BST.

Those who fulfil both (1) and (2) above will have their names entered for the draw and be notified if they have won a copy.

Please be prepared to receive messages from me so I can contact you if you’ve won. �� If I can’t contact you in a timely fashion, I may have to pass on to someone on the reserve list.

Please be prepared to let me know a postal address at which you would be happy to receive your copy of Wholly Dating.

One copy per winner only.

��

P2YL | 38. 'Delicacy': a surprising film about love after heartbreak

Sun, 18 May 2025 11:31:22 GMT

Good news, even if, like me, you're nothing like Audrey Tautou

For regular messages of fresh inspiration

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During my ten years post-divorce and before I remarried, I was in shock at my own broken marriage.

I dissected romance films with a fine-toothed comb, subconsciously looking at the characters and asking myself:

how do they make it happen?

how do a woman and a man come together?

how do they make it work?

I know such films aren’t reality but the better of them express some truths that the writer has experienced in their own relationships.

Delicacy

( La Délicatesse )

Starring Audrey Tautou & François Damiens | France | 2011

These days I get to watch romance films in the company of my husband who also enjoys them, and it’s interesting to get the male reaction to what unfolds on screen.

We both loved the tenderness and maturity of the French film Delicacy ( La Délicatesse ).

It stars Audrey Tautou, of Amélie fame, and an actor we hadn’t seen before, François Damiens.

It’s not your stereotypical romantic film…

…and that’s what charmed us about it.

In Delicacy , Nathalie (Audrey Tautou) has an apparently perfect life until she finds herself having to deal with terrible loss.

She no longer believes in any future happiness and numbs herself by putting her all into her office job.

Then the unexpected happens.

She gradually becomes drawn to work-colleague Markus (François Damiens) who is awkward, balding, not drop-dead gorgeous and has been known to wear beige jumpers.

From here an unusual but sweet relationship blossoms in which Nathalie begins to warm to life and love again.

'A lesson in optimism'

It is a ‘lesson in optimism’, as one reviewer commented.

Markus doesn’t have the instant charisma and cute appeal of Nathalie’s former love.

But both Nathalie and the audience warm to his genuine goodness, his chivalry (dare I use that word?) towards Nathalie, the effort he puts into finding an enjoyable date.

Then, almost magically, you begin to take a second and third look at him.

You notice he's making better clothes choices.

While he’s not typically handsome, he’s tall, hunky, and has a genuine masculinity.

Plus inner depth and integrity.

We see that the love between the two works, but not without adjustments, and that is the realistic magic of the film.

What does this have to do with real-life dating?

There are two things to take away from this film and bear in mind when it comes to love later on in life, perhaps after divorce or heartbreak:

1️⃣ It’s the men who fall into the third category in the above list you should be careful not to dismiss too quickly.

It’s a good idea to give a good man (honest, decent, kind, considerate etc) who clearly likes you, at least three dates before you come to any snap judgements about him.

Why?

If you don’t, you risk falling into the classic trap of missing out on a man who may be a hidden gem.

Read my own experience of 'the three date rule' and how it worked out for me: P2YL | 21. Love at third sight

2️⃣ It’s a savvy woman who realises that being slightly above him in the attractiveness stakes is not a disbenefit when it comes to successful relationships.

Why?

The competitive pursuer that lives inside every man is always going to feel he has achieved a fantastic deal in the love of this desirable woman, and he won’t want to do anything to risk losing her.

It’s the sort of love you can bask in. Both of you.

��

P2YL | 37. Second chance at love: my story

Sun, 04 May 2025 15:12:30 GMT

My midlife route from devastated divorcée to happily remarried

Not so long ago, a lovely journalist called Kate Chapman wrote a 'Real life' magazine article called 'Second chance at love' about women like me, alone in midlife after an unwanted divorce, and how I and others had gone on to find new love, commitment, and happy marriage.

I shared not only my own story but my determination to write in order to comfort, encourage, and inspire other women who find themselves nervously having to start all over again in the romantic stakes in midlife.

I call it Part 2 Of Your (Love?) Life .

What I learnt en route from devastated divorcée to happily remarried

I thought I was in a strong marriage but my husband had left me for someone else. I had thought it could never happen to me.

I was worried that all chance of romantic happiness had gone but somehow I stepped out with a little bit of faith and a little bit of determination.

I knew I’d up my chances if I pushed myself to be a bit more sociable though at heart I tend to be both shy and lazy.

Learning to feel comfortable around men again was just practice. Meetup Groups with subjects that were popular with menfolk proved invaluable for getting used to meeting them again as a newly single woman and learning to feel friendly and calm while doing so.

For more ideas on the topic of meeting potential friends and partners, read my feature P2YL | 42 . Where do I meet eligible men ?

Patience and persistence pay off . Instinctively I knew it might take time, a long time. It took nearly 10 years to meet my husband Tim, to whom I’m now been married nearly as long.

But through it all , though I sometimes felt I was back at Square One, I had faith I was heading in the right direction.

Now I want to encouage you if you're in Part 2 Of Your (Love?) Life and feeling unsure about the whole thing

Words by Kate Chapman.

Photography: Jenny Photography

Appeared first in Woman's Weekly , 18 June 2024, issue no. 25.

Reproduced here with kind permission

P2YL | 36. Greetings from Barcelona

Fri, 18 Apr 2025 11:11:39 GMT

Sending Spanish sunshine to you

At the end of a long winter, thoughts turn to sunnier days and holiday horizons but it’s been my experience that holidays can be complicated, depending on your personal circumstances.

Holidays in Part 1 of My (Love?) Life

Pre-divorce, holidays were easy. Married to someone in the travel business, I relished the opportunity to travel cheaply and easily to beautiful places recommended by travel professionals with insider information.

Then my husband left me and, along with much else, such holidays disappeared. If you’ve been through it you will know what I mean when I say divorce/separation means not only the loss of your partner but also the loss of your life as you once knew it.

Holidays A.D. (After Divorce)

For a long time after our divorce I couldn’t go anywhere near an airport or get on an aeroplane. The memories of holidays we had spent together, coupled with the sense of loss, was just too painful.

At the same time, deep down within me was the conviction it was wrong to allow someone else’s actions to handicap me. Eventually I plucked up courage, booked a short flight to stay with kind relatives in Dublin, and devised my own coping-strategy to deal with an environment I had been avoiding for years.

You can read how it went in:

✈️ M y 'one small step' for womankind and

�� Y OUR 'one small step' for womankind

Overcoming the power of painful memories was one thing. The other was the question-mark hanging over holidays themselves. As a divorced woman, on my own, hoping one day to re-marry someone very special, was spending money on holidays the best use of my limited resources?

There are some people who will scrimp and save all year round to go away on a really fantastic holiday and they consider every penny well-spent. It gives them a year-long boost and a sense of living life to the full.

I, on the other hand, decided it made more sense for me to put the money into having a good time all year round, doing the things that brought me closer to my goal of regaining self-confidence, gradual healing, and finding new, long-lasting love.

My money-strategy was to identify what things I was prepared to scrimp on in order to be able to splurge on other, more important (to me) things.

I called it the 'Poor but posh' approach.

So during my post-divorce years I deliberately kept holidays low-key and less expensive, putting the majority of my saved-up cash into making my everyday life aesthetic, enjoyable and sociable.

The message hidden in your holiday snaps

I would never rule out holidays completely even in modest circumstances because apart from the personal benefits, they provide fun and sometimes even farcical experiences to be shared when the subject of holidays comes up in a social group. They are a good conversation piece.

Plus posting photos on social media of you having a good time on holiday sends a signal that you know how to enjoy yourself and have the means and/or savvy money-management skills to be able to afford to get away. Attractive qualities in a partner.

Full circle to the present day

This strategy worked for me.

Being economical with holidays meant there was cash available year-round for activities, social events, regular appointments with a decent hairdresser, leg and bikini-line waxes, up-to-date clothes, gym membership, and dating.

The simpler breaks I chose to go on still yielded photos and experiences to share with others when the topic of holidays came up.

And in time I did meet that extra-special man who became my husband and who also loves to travel. Recently we’ve been to Barcelona for our ninth wedding anniversary.

So here I am, full-circle, grateful to be able to go on the sort of holidays that I thought I had said goodbye to, and wanting to encourage other women who might be going through something similar that:

Good Times Do Come Again

��

P2YL | 35. 4½ ways I found to rebuild confidence

Mon, 07 Apr 2025 11:30:45 GMT

After divorce and heartbreak

Midlife divorce left me with my self-esteem flat as a pancake.

Plenty of other women go through this and recover and even feel happiness again, I told myself firmly. But I’m not other women, I thought.

What I know now is that, although we may not realise it at the time, sometimes what we’ve been through actually generates something we can use to get through it.

Underneath all the pain resulting from infidelity and abandonment and divorce, a justified anger comes bubbling up.

It’s not a pleasant feeling, but used well it can actually help.

‘Anger is an energy’ (Public Image Limited)

Any Gen Xer or Gen Yer woman will recognise that post-punk lyric.

Maybe it takes something like trauma before you recognise the truth of it.

Anger contains an energy that you can use positively, first of all simply to survive, and afterwards to create the power to build a new life.

It did for me, and I’m no Wonder Woman, more the Nervous Kitten type.

I used anger positively as energy for the actions below.

If this all sounds too much effort and too exhausting when you are shellshocked and miserable, please bear in mind I did it gradually over several years.

Self-development

I didn’t exactly have a stellar career at that point. My life was composed of a part-time job, freelance writing and editing, and homemaking which I loved.

Now circumstances had changed and I had to focus on the full-time careers market whether I liked it or not.

I looked at various past jobs I had done, picked the one I had enjoyed the most and decided to up my chances in the jobs market by studying for a relevant professional qualification.

I started the one-year course in a spirit of resigned pessimism. I finished it pleasantly surprised at how stimulating and even enjoyable I had found it.

OK, some parts of the course came more naturally than others; I challenge any arts student not to feel blind panic at a module entitled ‘DITA: Digital Information, Technologies & Architecture’.

But one valuable takeaway was that you don’t have to be a natural at something to be able to learn enough to get through . You just need to get your head down and work at it.

Doing this course at that time gave me something to occupy my brain, which otherwise might have been brooding on the recent past.

Change of scene

As the training I took involved relocating to a new city for a year, fresh sights and sounds meant I wasn’t being confronted every day with things that reminded me of ‘us’. Painful memories and emotions had a chance to fade.

By the end of the year I returned to my hometown not exactly miraculously healed but nevertheless with some of the memories of the past sloughed off and beginning to wither

'House of Colour'

We are mind—body—spirit and I have found that tweaking the physical self has positive inner effect.

Wanting to boost confidence in my looks I put money into a monthly ‘Personal Budget’ to afford good hairdressers and beauticians.

Once there was a sizeable amount in the budget I booked a day-long House of Colour consultant to learn to enhance my personal style and clothes.

I was so impressed with it that several years later, after I was remarried, I gave a House of Colour consultation as a birthday present to my husband. He actually enjoyed it and we both love the results.

Why ‘4½ ways’?

What about the ½?

If something’s listed as ½ it’s because I can’t in good conscience recommend it but honesty tells me to share it.

During my single years I had been a Good Girl, having boyfriends but not lovers, right up to a marriage in which I was completely faithful.

The shock of infidelity and divorce turned my ideas topsy-turvy. I rebelled against my virtue-core mindset. So the sort of fun flings I had avoided in my teens and twenties, I ended up having in my forties.

Whatever the rights and wrongs, somehow I came away from it all with an enhanced sense of myself as feminine and desirable and more daring.

Still, this action gets only half a point in my list, because I can’t feel 100% at ease about it. In the end I didn’t want flings or the mindset that goes with it and I drew a line under that episode.

Ultimately I knew I wanted an honourable relationship with an honourable someone, who, this time, would not let me down.

��

P2YL | 34. Seven books for a slow season

Sat, 08 Mar 2025 12:53:50 GMT

'Good books for a bad day'

Books have always been my go-to guide and companion for making my life that little bit better, and never was this more true than during midlife separation and divorce.

Books were like packages of hope containing motivation and comfort, leading the way through and out of that lonely valley.

Time-tested books

Today, I’m contentedly remarried, feeling safe and secure, leading a satisfying life. And I’m grateful every day for this though I recognise the nature of life is uncertainty and change.

The books I describe here were part of the route to happier times. They are still on my shelves like old friends to be dipped into with affection and appreciation.

I make no apology for the fact most of them are quite a few years old. Time is the judge of a good book and these have proved themselves.

You Can Start All Over: A Guide for the Widow and Divorcée

by Marjorie Hillis Roulston. Out-of-print. Second-hand copies online at BookFinder

I’ve already raved about this author’s earlier book, Live Alone and Like It . In that book she showed how to perfect the art of enjoyable single living. After which, in real life, she met a lovely man and got married.

You Can Start All Over was written much later on, when she was a widow, and its contents relate just as much to divorcehood.

As she writes in her introduction:

‘When life brings a devastating change, leaving one alone and desolate, one can start all over. I have done just that, three different times, two of them for bitterly unhappy reasons.’

It is as though she is walking beside you throughout it all, from the earliest shellshocked days (‘Taking the blow’), finding a path to gradual recovery, through to just possibly, maybe, one day, contemplating finding new love (‘Are two husbands better than one?’).

All written in the sympathetically astringent tone of a friendly co-equal who knows you can do it.

Dating Game

by Danielle Steel

I’m not normally a reader of romantic novels but heartbreak leads one to some strange bedfellows, n’est-ce pas ?

In Dating Game we meet Paris Armstrong whose husband announces he’s leaving her for someone else after twenty-four years of marriage. Like a lot of us she didn’t see it coming and doesn’t have a clue how to navigate the strange new world of online dating or re-enter the careers market.

Paris may be better off and a tad more glamorous than most of us (well, me, anyway) but I could still relate to her romantic experiments, expectations, and rejections as she begins tentatively to build a new life for herself.

Essential Help for Your Nerves

by Dr Claire Weekes

‘Nerves’ = anxiety, panic attacks, stress, breakdown, anything that sends you spiralling into that miserable state where you feel you cannot cope.

Journalist and Agony Aunt Virginia Ironside once said she had received literally shedloads of letters from people filled with gratitude after being recommended the work of Dr Claire Weekes.

Her wise and sensible approach to mental suffering relaxes and instils you with the beginnings of calm.

You read it and feel, ‘Somebody understands, and can help me. I can help myself.’

The Scent of Water

by Elizabeth Goudge

Goudge was once well-known as a writer for adults but today she is usually mentioned as the author of the children’s fantasy The Little White Horse, a novel adored by JK Rowling.

In The Scent of Water , protagonist Mary Lindsay gives up her London life for the English countryside and gradually discovers age-old wisdom that brings her new light.

It’s a good old-fashioned read (first published in 1963) suffused with reassurance alongside the grittier realities of life.

Elizabeth Goudge is a most unusual writer and woman. She had an awareness of the harshness along with a deep intuitive sense of, 'All shall be well and all shall be well, And all manner of things shall be well.'

I’ve written more about what I get from reading Elizabeth Goudge in a highlighted feature on my Journalism page .

Mr Good Enough: The Case for Choosing a Real Man Over Holding Out for ‘Mr Perfect ’

by Lori Gottlieb

This book provided one possible answer to the question in my own mind as to why so many perfectly eligible, loveable women around me were single and not happy about it.

It also made me examine my own thought processes around dating and relationships with fresh eyes and a clearer perception, which led to the happiest of results.

I don’t necessarily like the term ‘Mr Good Enough’ (it obviously doesn’t do justice to my wonderful husband!) but I know what the author is getting at.

This book might just throw a switch in your own mind that gets your romantic engine running.

The Clear Light of Day

by Penelope Wilcock

Another romantic novel? Well not exactly. Esme is a fortysomething woman working for the church but feeling spiritually dead. Recently divorced, loneliness strikes at her core.

After moving to a country parish something happens to her and her life begins to change. No spoilers but the fact this is based on what really happened in the author’s own life made the book even more of a joyous read.

Through the Kitchen Window

by Susan Hill; illustrated by Angela Barrett

Sometimes in those days life was such a struggle I felt mentally and emotionally drained. Reading was wearisome and this was when I learned the calm pleasure of absorbing myself in books devoted to art and illustration. A bit of me would escape into the scene and leave my circumstances behind.

Through the Kitchen Window is a book of seasonal pictures, thoughts, and recipes. All the domestic pleasures of a peaceful life. Susan Hill clearly loves homelife and Angela Barrett’s exquisite illustrations evoke the serenity to be found in daily life approached in a spirit of love.

Focusing on the contents of this book was a way of focusing on what I wanted to move towards.

In the end, I reached home.

��

P2YL | 33. Five favourite films for a fallow season (+ one bonus film)

Sun, 23 Feb 2025 20:51:17 GMT

In Part 1 Of My Love-Life, books were for inspiration and films were for fluffy entertainment. In Part 2 Of My (Love?) Life, sitting in a London cinema as a newly-divorced woman, I had a revelation.

A film is like a book, right up there on a big screen. The right film at the right time can inspire and comfort and be a wise messenger. Especially in my own case during times when divorce-recovery, or the quest for new love, seemed to lie fallow like winter fields.

So here is my recommendation for five films (+ one bonus film) that for me paved the way through the fallow season towards a happy ending. Read more

P2YL | 32. If there are two sides to a divorce, whose version is likely to be more reliable?

Wed, 29 Jan 2025 16:32:23 GMT

At a shrewd guess: not the partner who was unfaithful

What's behind that claim?

One evening many years ago my then-husband said, ‘Some people I know from the sailing-club are passing through Oxford tonight and asked if I wanted to meet up for a drink. Would you mind driving me into town later and dropping me off?’

I couldn’t swim, didn’t sail, and hadn’t yet had the pleasure of meeting his nautical friends but was happy to oblige.

As I was driving him there, I had an idea: ‘I’ll park the car for a few minutes and come in and meet your friends.’

There was an ominous silence.

‘No, don’t do that,’ he answered hastily.

‘Why not?’ I said in surprise. ‘Just so I can say a friendly hello and they can put a face to a name whenever you mention me.’

More silence. I could see him searching for reasons, fumbling, stumbling, not coming up with anything till, ‘It’s just I don’t know who’s going to be there. It might not be appropriate.’

I was hurt and confused. Was he ashamed of me? It didn’t make sense. But I wasn’t going to impose where I wasn’t wanted.

As I drove home after dropping him off I puzzled over what could be the reason.

It was only many months later that I found out why.

Secrets and lies

An affair of course, with a woman, also married at his sailing-club.

Perhaps he thought that for his wife to meet his in-the-know sailing pals would be embarrassing.

Perhaps the woman herself was there that night. I shall never know.

Maybe you too have your own experience of being a cheated-on partner, while you yourself remained faithful.

I stand in sisterly solidarity with you and here’s why your side of the marriage-story is more likely to be closer to reality than his.

Deception leads to self-deception

Someone who allows himself or herself to get involved in the extra-marital affair trap and chooses to stay in it is someone who has to lie and deceive over and over again. And then over again.

As a result, they get very good at deception. And they begin to deceive themselves without even noticing it. Otherwise they wouldn’t be able to live with themselves.

Their whole relationship with truth becomes vaguer. Confused.

It takes a Real Man or a Real Woman — not ‘a mere bundle of self-indulgences’ as JB Priestley put it — to manage to stop something which has its roots in their own failure. Lots of people, heroes and heroines we never hear of, recognise this fact and do stop it. I salute them.

The ultimate betrayal

The rest carry on deceiving and betraying right up to and beyond what must be the ultimate betrayal: abandoning their partner for the sake of another betrayer.

They might like to deceive themselves with the thought that marriage to a new partner after betraying a former partner wipes the slate clean, but as one clear-sighted friend to people involved in such relationships observed:

'There is always something tainted about a marriage

that began in lies and deceit and other people’s misery'

A couple who betrayed and helped each other to betray the very people they swore to love and protect are unlikely to be completely credible guardians of honesty. In the final analysis, how can they be?

The media glamorises infidelity and then we wonder why so many marriages are broken

It’s weird. On the one hand we despise national traitors like the Maclean–Burgess–Philby defectors. We shake our heads over soldiers who desert their brothers-in-arms in the hour of need.

At the same time, films and TV dramas normalise marital betrayal. They glamorise it in pursuit of ‘your true soulmate’.

Traitors — deserters — cheating partners: different types of betrayal all ultimately connected like links in a greasy chain.

EM Forster knew this when he said:

‘If I had to choose between betraying my country and betraying my friend, I hope I should have the guts to betray my country.’

He put betraying someone who loves and trusts you right up there alongside the atomic defectors and Judas.

Two sides ≠ equal truth

So when some uncomprehending person trots out that old cliché about there being two sides to every story as if both sides were equally trustworthy, it's worth bearing in mind that a cheating husband or wife isn’t necessarily the person you can rely on for an honest appraisal of the truth.

If unfaithfulness and divorce or separation has been done to us, it’s human and humble to admit yes, of course we have flaws and imperfections. Loads of them.

But don’t let anybody or any society gaslight us into thinking a partner’s infidelity and abandonment was our fault.

31 | Which Ancient Briton is your type of guy?

Fri, 17 Jan 2025 11:31:30 GMT

Because history repeats itself. Including the men

I was a nineteen-year-old student in the college library reading Old English history and literature about Celts, Romans, Anglo-Saxons, Vikings, and Normans when I stumbled on my romantic theory.

I looked up from my book and noticed their modern-day counterparts were all around me.:

That blush and an ‘After you,’ from the man at the printer: was he a Celt or a Roman?

The man forcefully jabbing the buttons on the coffee-machine: was he showing Viking tendencies?

And how about Chris on the Library Helpdesk: was he, in actual fact, really...a Norman?

Men may come from completely different heritages from these, have different haircuts and drive more up-to-date chariots these days but there is something recognisable about the innate characteristics I was uncovering in those long-ago manotypes.

What character-type suits you best:

Celt — Roman — Anglo-Saxon — Viking — Norman?

The Celt

Background

Celts were the earliest inhabitants in this list. So early in fact that many historians are unsure whether they ever existed as one distinct entity or not. On the one hand this gives them an ethereal charm but on the other, this can give them a nebulous quality.

His essence

Emotional
Excitable
Artistic
Spiritual

Examples

The Priest in Fleabag
George Bailey in It’s a Wonderful Life
Jack Dawson in Titanic
Welsh street preachers
Bono

Good at

Gazing adoringly at you or sometimes right over your head
Making life a dramatic rollercoaster
Bringing a unique perspective to all situations
Open to things of the spirit

Challenges

Remaining calm
Seeking responsibility
Maintaining reliability and consistency

Least likely to say

‘Rugby is only a game’

Most likely to say

‘Cariad.’

Where they hang out

Welsh/Scottish/Irish universities
Cardiff Arms Park
St David’s Day/St Patrick’s Day/St Andrew’s Day celebrations
Open Mic nights at pubs
Busking in the street

The Roman

Background

The Romans came, they saw, they conquered a lot of Britain with a lot of efficiency.

His essence

Shrewd
Controlled
Calculating
Aspirational

Examples

Sir Keir Starmer
Mark Darcy in Bridget Jones’ Diary
Neil Armstrong
Andy Murray
Björn Ulvaeus of Abba

Good at

Assessing situations
Stoicism
Strategy
Handling a crisis

Challenges

Showing a soft and caring side
Aesthetic sensibility
Admitting when he’s wrong
Being flexible

Least likely to say

‘Let’s go with the flow.’

Most likely to say

‘I re-organised your dishwasher for you.’

Where they hang out

Museums especially Roman ones
Legal firms
Accountancy firms
The Apple Ecosystem
Online generally

The Anglo-Saxon

Background

When the Romans retreated, the Saxons saw their chance and migrated to Britain bringing superior land skills and craftsmanship.

His essence

Stalwart
Earthy
Practical
Home-loving

Examples

Gabriel Oak in Far From the Madding Crowd
Sam Gamgee in The Lord of the Rings
Tim in The Office (UK)
Woody in Toy Story

Good at

Loyalty
Life-hacks
Practicalities
Perseverance

Challenges

Seeing beyond the obvious
Taking leadership
Risk-taking

Least likely to say

‘Charrrrgggggge!!!!!!’

Most likely to say

‘I’d like a nice quiet evening in.’

Where they hang out

B & Q (browsing, not working)
Agricultural colleges
Down the pub (quiet ones)
Watching Clarkson’s Farm

The Viking

Background

Formidable explorers coming from northern Scandinavia, raiding, trading, and eventually settling.

His essence

Extrovert
Explorer
Active
Untrammelled

Examples

The late Prince Philip, husband to Queen Elizabeth II
Jeremy Clarkson
Boris Johnson
Richard Branson

Good at

Taking action
Feats of derring-do
Leaping over the ticket barriers at railway stations
Being brave and/or foolhardy

Challenges

Following rules
Sensitivity
Anger management
Basic table manners

Least likely to say

‘I’m a vegan.'

Most likely to say ‘Charrrrgggggge!!!!!!’

Where modern-day Vikings hang out

Sports venues
Down the pub (noisy ones)
The great outdoors
Courtrooms (he’s the Defendant in a Breach of the Peace case)

The Norman

Background

I n 1066 they came across the Channel from Northern France to impose their rule and have been doing so on the quiet ever since.

His essence

Nature’s patrician
Quietly superior
Expansionist
Smoothly successful

Examples

Emmanuel Macron
Tommy Shelby in Peaky Blinders
Don Draper in Mad Men
James Bond in his Pierce Brosnan and Roger Moore iterations

Good at

Getting other people to do things
Running multinationals
Steely charm
Bigger-picture vision

Challenges

Learning not to see other people as pawns
Learning to show his human side
Letting go
Switching off
Downsizing

Least likely to

Swear in public.

Most likely to say

'Oh I don't know...I’ve just been very lucky.’

Where Normans hang out

First Class Airport Lounges
The Ryder Cup
Sotheby’s
Upper-class ski resorts
Courtrooms (he’s the Judge)

Which one's for me?

I’m sixty this year and have had a fair amount of experience of ‘courting’ both before my first marriage in my twenties, and then during the ten years between going through a miserable divorce and meeting my lovely husband.

I’d say there are no right or wrong answers to which type you prefer. The deciding factors are bound up in asking yourself: 'Does he...?'

�� Demonstrate grown-up love and respect towards me?

�� Have integrity and an active moral compass?

�� Have a temperament I can enjoy in the good times and cope with in the bad times?

Whatever the epoch you live in, be a Wise Woman.

��

30 | My tiny miracle at Christmas

Thu, 26 Dec 2024 18:07:02 GMT

I do something I thought I would never do

Can I share something with you?

Something that feels like concrete proof that, in time, healing happens, even of our most hurting, tender places?

I knew it theoretically before, but now I know it in reality.

Twenty years ago, when I was abandoned by my airline pilot husband for an air hostess, also married, I wrote in my diary:

'At the moment I feel like I hate everything connected with him:
e.g.

British Airways ��
flying ✈️
aeroplanes ��️
TVRs ��️
Suburu Imprezas ��
yachts ⛵️
sailing ⚓️
BT Global Challenge ��
Ellen Macarthur, Matthew Pincent & rowing generally ��‍♀️
and most of all
Air Hostesses! ��

'I never want to fly again'

I had been hurt to the extent I felt I never wanted to go near an airport or fly on a plane again but when I told that to my plain-speaking father, he took his pipe out of his mouth and said shortly, ‘You’ll have to get over that. Or you’ll never travel.’

He was right of course and I've told elsewhere of how I decided to overcome this life-limiting phobia .

An encounter with an air hostess

Fast forward to the week before this Christmas. I went with my husband who is studying for his private pilot's licence to the flying club's Christmas social. Towards the end of the evening I found myself seated at the bar talking to a very pleasant, elegant lady and her partner.

She told me she was an air hostess who now worked in crew-training.

I smiled, nodded, and we carried on talking amicably, discovering a mutual love of Wolf Hall , Part Three of which was currently airing on BBC-TV.

I couldn't and wouldn't have done this for a long, long time after my husband's falling foul with an air hostess he met at a sailing club. I guess I tarred them all with the same brush.

And oh, the relief of feeling I'm a grownup who has dealt with this and can handle it. The relief of not having to feel that bitterness and hate and almost malevolence towards a whole group of people. Of course it was wrong what happened, but I did not have to let myself be trapped and constrained by it. I feel lighter as a result.

It has happened almost imperceptibly and of course I realise a lot of healing has come through my new marriage.

I am very grateful and heartened to see that healing does happen though it wasn't a quick fix.

My very best wishes for the coming year for all who are reading this.

��

29 | Why New Year's Eve is no big deal for a woman

Fri, 13 Dec 2024 06:33:09 GMT

This time last year I wrote Six good things about bad Christmases and it struck a chord with many people.

So I've flagged it and linked to it again and that's got me thinking about the whole cult of New Year's Eve which I know can hang over us if we're feeling a bit sub-optimal, like a child knowing a dental appointment is coming up.

The ghosts of New Years past

I was in the habit of dreading New Year after a teenagerhood of mostly being left out left me feeling I had to prove my popularity.

I can even remember one New Year's Eve feigning illness so I would have an excuse why I wasn't going out, when asked what my plans were by someone with much prettier looks, a much wider social circle, and a dashing boyfriend who drove a bright red MG.

She gave a toss of her shining blonde hair, twitched her suede bag over her shoulder, and went off into the frosty night air to her waiting carriage and escort, leaving me behind with a 'gippy tum', probably reading one of my English syllabus texts.

This used to bother me.

Now I'm older and have seen how both our lives have turned out, I realised just how meaningless it is.

Don't believe the hype

Since then I've had many New Years' Eves both the ones which were too low for zero and ones which might count as instagrammable.

The thing about NYE is: it's not a forecast of your future life, it's a signing-off of the past.

I remember going cold all over watching a scene from the drama 'The Golden Pathway Annual' where a midlife woman feeling claustrophobic at home with her husband on New Year's Eve cries out in despair, 'What have we become?'

It chimed in with my 20-year-old worries that not being part of a big social circle might mean something was wrong and I was doomed in life and love.

In retrospect: these are the normal fears and sensitivities of a young adult.

New Year in New York

Since then I've spent a New Year's Eve in New York (or was it Boston? Somewhere in North America anyway.)

I've spent New Years' Eves at home on my own.

I've spent a New Year's Eve as part of a bunch of markedly single singletons at another singleton's house.

And the worst New Year's Eve of all was one where I took something to help me sleep and went to bed early to blot the whole thing out.

Little did I know then that the next day would be the start of the year I met the man I married and spent all my New Years' Eves with ever since.

The only important point about all of them?

NYE is not a forecast of your future life, it's a signing-off of the past.

New Year's Eve is the last dying throes of the past.

All that stuff with fireworks going off and people cheering is the exploding embers of what's gone before.

One New Year's Day morning after a relationship had ended and I'd spent an uneventful New Year's Eve, I wrote in my diary:

In the sum of life, how you spend New Year's Eve is no big deal.

The thing about it is the fresh, new, upcoming year itself and the space it offers.

Your space, and the people coming to meet you.

❄️ ❄️ ❄️

P2YL | 28. Learning to dress for a happier me

Mon, 02 Dec 2024 11:51:30 GMT

How I upped my confidence through better clothes-choices

Where are you in your clothes journey?

Here’s me on mine:

Age 11: Our royal blue school uniform drained my skin of colour.

Age 19: The perm was a sign of me starting to experiment with my looks.

Age 21: To my eyes, and with what I know of ’80s fashion, this was the tipping point .

The giant leap in my style journey

In that photo, I’ve suddenly learnt to:

emphasise the waist with a slim belt and pulling the T-shirt over the belt to give a slight peplum effect;
wear looser, Japanese-style trousers to add shape to my virtually non-existent hips;
had my hair cut and highlighted by a city salon;
learnt the benefits of lightly tanned skin to even out skin-tone. (Though now I'm careful to wear SPF 50 on my face and hands.)

What brought about the change?

I’d spent a year in a cosmopolitan German city where, by keeping my eyes open, I’d absorbed some lessons on Eurochic.

Style and the experienced woman

Age 59: By now I’ve learnt that:

red suits me;
wrap dresses enhance my shape;
a pendant enhances an otherwise bony neck and chest;
flattering light can work wonders in photographs.

Conclusion: style is an eminently learnable skill which ups the odds in our favour.

Style is your helpful sister

Learning to improve my appearance through clothes has given me confidence, boosted my attractiveness, and definitely helped me when it came to relationships.

Asking my husband what drew him to me when we first met, he said, frankly: ‘I liked the look of you.’

Someone very important earlier on in my love-life said, out of the blue, very early on in our relationship, 'I love the way you dress.'

Of course it’s a woman's essence that a man falls in love with, not the mere outer shell, but your outer shell can cause someone to want to know more.

�� Read more ... on how clothes improved my life and are good for mental health at:

�� Learning to dress for a happier me ��

��

Peak Style

Sat, 09 Nov 2024 18:16:35 GMT

Peaky Blinders style laid bare

There is period drama, and then there is Peaky Blinders .

Since the BBC/Netflix story of the Shelby family smashed through our screens in 2013 — all stylish and stylised, slow-mo 1920s action played out against a 21st century rock soundtrack — it has grown into a worldwide cult among those in the know.

Not least for its sense of fashion and style. So if you haven’t already joined the Peaky Blinders party and want to wear a retro look with grace and glamour, let me be your guide to the signature fashion styles of four key Peaky Blinder women.

Polly Shelby

I have to start with Polly (played by Helen McCrory), or she might kill me. Literally kill me because she wears clothes like so many weapons. A purse dangling from her belt with a glinting steel frame hinting at Lady Macbeth’s dagger. A pistol in her breast pocket and a decorative hatpin stabbed through her coat lapel as a brooch. If there is one word that defines her, it’s dominance.

You sense it in her clothes, the royal purples, the imposing hat she wears like the headdress of a Byzantine Empress, let’s-get-down-to-business skirt suits, and blouses fastened by pussy bows like a power-dressing Margaret Thatcher. Her admirer Aberama Gold (played by Game of Thrones Aidan Gillen) is spot on when he says she looks like royalty and calls her Your Majesty.

Interestingly, Polly’s hard-as-Black-Country-nails surface melts when she has her portrait painted, arraying herself in a dress that is all about softness, femininity, and vulnerability: a fantastically soft and flowing shell pink silk off-the-shoulder floor-length dress, worn with long white gloves, transforming her into a devastating surprise.

Being Polly : smoky eyes, vintage necklace, structured jackets and skirts, imposing colours, crowned with a hat. And on occasion take people’s breath away by wearing something utterly unexpected.

Jessie Eden

While Polly exudes dominance, Jessie (Charlie Murphy) symbolises revolution.

Jessie is based on the fascinating real-life character of Jessie Eden, a 20th century Birmingham trades union leader, who in 1931 led 10,000 women workers out on strike due to working practices which were driving women to the point of collapse.

In Peaky Blinders she is the reason for an iconic scene when the Shelby women decide en masse to pack up their typewriters and business ledgers, and stride off arm-in-arm to the Birmingham Bull Ring to hear Jessie Eden address ‘all oppressed female workers’.

As a working woman, Jessie’s style is less flashy than Polly: to her clothes are the backdrop to more important things. Yet she achieves an understated, subversive classiness through cleverly cut clothes with textured surfaces adding interest and detail. We see her in an asymmetric brown leather coat, a red slub wool jacket with a cloche hat, knubbly-textured knits, pearl and pewter jewelry, blouses skilfully patterned in subtle colours that make the onlooker look and look again.

And of course never skimping on a great haircut — in her case jet black bobbed hair — because let’s face it, you wear a haircut every day of your life.

Being Jessie: Earthy, autumn fashion colours, with emphasis on skilful, intricate patterns, touchable textures, a hint of leather, and glossy, fantastically cut hair.

Ada Thorne

Ada is a Tommy Shelby’s sister, and when we first see her, she is ‘walking out’ with local Communist Freddie Thorne.

Superficially similar to Jessie in politics, the fact that Ada is a Shelby — with the Shelby ill-gotten money to protect her — allows her to be more free-spirited Bohemian and less working girl in her appearance, more about drama and less about subtlety.

The handkerchief hemlines of her loose silky dresses rise inline with 1920s flapper fashion, and she wears striking oranges, apricots, and silvery blues, the design of her clothes mimicking the angles and planes of mid-20th century Russian Constructivist art.

In some ways Ada is 50 years in advance of her time: with her copper eyelids, warm rich brown dress, and scarlet mouth, she could be a Biba girl of the 1970s.

Being Ada: loose dresses, art-inspired designs, eye-catching hues, overlaid with a fabulous wrap coat, faux fur deep revere collar enveloping the neck.

Esme Shelby

Esme was originally a gipsy girl, now married off to one of the Shelby brothers as a way of cementing relations between a powerful Romany clan and the Shelby family’s ‘business’ interests.

She still channels this gipsy vibe. In contrast to the others she wears folk-weave and ethnic patterns, peasant skirts, hoop earrings, a dusky red tunic. She’s a little bit Stevie Nicks, a little bit Kate Bush.

Instead of the classic Louise Brooks bobs or marcel wave hairstyles of the other PB women, she keeps her long dark tousled locks, which she interweaves with brightly coloured scarves.

No doubt about it, Esme has a gipsy heart. She ‘misses the travelling’ and feels ‘like a hen in a coop’ living in one place. Yet although an obvious outsider to begin with, Esme’s individual style is dramatically different from the other Peaky women, revealing a defiant individuality which helps her stand her ground at family councils. This restless wanderer has arrived.

Being Esme: peasant tops and skirts, folk embroidery, dangly earrings, colours like wild flowers and the fruits of the forest — wild rose, berry reds — hair worn long and free, or tucked up like a coronet to frame the face.

September Spring | 8. Finale: the strange and funny twist in my tale

Fri, 01 Nov 2024 12:04:49 GMT

THANK YOU to all the beloved subscribers to September Spring: weekly emails on starting afresh .

Today is the last of my September Spring messages. Subscribers will continue to receive �� P2YL | Part 2 Of Your Love-Life , every other Friday.

Is there Somebody Up There?

What has happened to me makes me wonder if there’s somebody up there who keeps a friendly eye on us before, during, and after divorce. And who has a sense of humour.

By the way, if the word ‘God’ is a big turnoff, just substitute ‘Fate’ or ‘Destiny’ or ‘the Universe’.

Or ‘Pure Fluke’ if you prefer.

Strange encounter

The uncanny way my first husband and I met strikes me, even now, as meant to be, despite what happened later. As the praying sort, I believed that God guided us in our decisions, including our choice of life-partner.

Attraction, enjoyment of each other's company and similar faith and values drew us together initially. We also shared an Irish Protestant family background and both aspired to take less-travelled career-roads: he as an airline pilot and I as a writer.

When we married, the fact I was brought up more or less as an only child meant I adapted easily to his long-haul flying absences, which is sometimes a struggle for airline couples.

We both believed in marriage as a covenant, not just a contract. Or so I thought.

Crash landing

But somewhere along the line, it seemed the marriage goalposts had been moved.

My husband started an affair with another woman, also married, and left me to be with her. I not only missed the love of my husband terribly, I also missed the whole world I had become used to. The world of aviation and the shared link with the island of Ireland.

I was not only heartbroken, it left me questioning what I had believed up to then.

I must have been wrong, I concluded. There isn't anyone up there guiding us. The idea of ‘Mr Right’ or ‘your soulmate’ is a myth. Everything is pure chance.

And that was the way I felt on balance for some time though deep down I wasn't completely convinced.

Learning to fly again

Jump forward ten years after these events and a few casual and not-so-casual relationships later.

One Saturday a man and I met and got chatting at a weekend ramblers' club.

As we talked, he mentioned he came to the group on Saturdays only.

He couldn’t make it on Sundays, he explained, as his elderly, disabled mother had come to live with him a couple of years ago and she needed him to take her to Mass on Sundays though he had no religious belief himself.

I could hardly believe my ears. How many men would be prepared to do such a caring thing?

He contacted me later and asked, Would I like to meet up again?

I didn't feel instantly ‘smitten’ but he seemed a nice and good man and made me laugh so I said yes.

We met. We dated. We married.

Things come full-circle

And the weird thing is:

My second husband also works in aviation and has an Irish background.

So I regularly find myself back at the same flying club which trained my first husband.

All the things I thought I’d lost forever have come back to me, full-circle.

I love being connected with the world of aviation again, enjoy our flights abroad and regular travels to Ireland to visit our respective families.

And none of this was ever planned. (By me.)

My beliefs have come full-circle too

My intuition now is there’s a God who does care and does guide, if asked.

But I don’t believe in one perfect soulmate. Instead I think that during the course of our lives, if we are open to it, we get to meet several potential life-partners.

Each one will have pros and cons as a life-partner. No perfect fit.

What rings true are the words of the wise, calm Vicar who offered me support through my first broken marriage, and officiated at my second wedding:

'All couples fit well in some ways

and not in others.

The “other ways” are where

commitment & compromise come in'

Unfortunately, sometimes people let their commitment lapse. They see compromise as an insult to their ego. This doesn’t mean the marriage was a mistake.

On a serious note, after giving someone a chance I don't believe there is a requirement to compromise on any of the four As: adultery, abuse, addiction, or abandonment.

Those seem to me legitimate marriage-breakers.

I believe you, me, we, all have more than one chance at permanent love and each chance is equally special and blessed.

This is great news for all of us P2YLers ��

��

September Spring | 7. The vision board that came true

Wed, 23 Oct 2024 19:34:32 GMT

What do you hope for from your future life?

For encouragement, and inspiration on rebuilding your love-life after divorce or heartbreak

��

I had never heard of vision boards when I went through my big life-change all those years ago and would probably have thought the idea a bit woo-woo.

But without knowing about the concept, once I'd accepted that my marriage had been destroyed beyond repair and that I would one day be a divorcée, a mental image of the life I hoped for in the future did being to form in my mind. A sort of ad hoc vision board.

What you see below is a representation of my thinking at the time about this future me and my life.

The most important aspects in my eyes, are marked with a �� They have been my heart aspirations from my young adult life upwards.

Questions to ask yourself

In view of what's happened, what sort of future life do I want?

What am I willing to do to work towards this future life?

What do I *think* might get in the way of achieving this?

What do I already have that I can use to my advantage?

Did my vision board work?

'Did it work?' isn't the right question because it's not a magic spell.

But it's my belief that having a mental image of the life you would like to work towards helps you crystallise and focus your desires, which has to be a good starting-point.

As I sit here in my little Oxford study, with the time and freedom to do the writing work I love, my beloved husband in his own little music-room within 'Fancy putting the kettle on?' shouting distance, I feel I've stayed true to those heart aspirations I mapped out in the past.

I recognise the effort I put into working towards them, but above all, I feel terribly, terribly grateful.

��

September Spring | 6. Queen Elizabeth's favourite motto

katrina.robinson1@outlook.com (Katrina Robinson) — Fri, 11 Oct 2024 18:41:47 GMT

I once heard an Oxford professor, who frequently attended formal dinners with the great and good, say he had heard the late Queen Elizabeth II quote two mottoes for life.

The first one was: Live Gratefully. I’ll come to the second later.

Her words struck me at the time because I wasn’t feeling grateful. As a shell-shocked divorcée I had had a bad knock and it had left me in a new place midlife:

Alone. Lacking security. Having to give up doing what I loved in order to work at something else to keep myself afloat financially. Tired. Facing an uncertain future.

Yet these words from someone I admired and saw as steady as a rock warmed me and got me thinking.

'Though much is taken, much remains'

I decided I'd experiment with 'Living Gratefully' and see if it helped. Almost instantly the words of a poem came to mind:

'Though much is taken, much remains.'

The point being that yes, there had been loss, but if you stepped back and looked at your life less emotionally, you could appreciate what you still had.

If I cleared away the mists of self-pity (blue panels) some simple truths I could appreciate (yellow panels) began to emerge:

* See 'Poor but posh' and ' Seven more secrets for living posh when feeling poor ' for how I learned to enjoy life on less money.

Plus I had gained new things as a result of my (unwanted) change in circumstances: a new job, new contacts, new neighbours, new determination. A new start. A fresh start.

How often do we get an opportunity for starting afresh given to us? I might not like the original cause, but this was something I could be aware of and grateful for.

Did it work?

It could be a struggle but with practice it worked and bore fruit. Not only did I feel differently in myself but I have witnesses.

After going on a date with a man I was starting to like he emailed me afterwards:

It was lovely spending the evening with you and the conversation flowed from start to finish.

'I know you are very attractive, intelligent, a deep thinker, have a wonderfully positive spirit and I enjoy spending time with you.

I think we should meet again next week and talk more about ourselves and our aspirations for life.

By doing that we will gain an even better insight into each other’s personalities. Hope that doesn’t sound too pompous.’

Who could resist? And afterwards we had our first kiss and it was quite a turn on.

��

September Spring | 5. What's a P2YL mindset?

Fri, 04 Oct 2024 12:54:06 GMT

And would it work for you?

One Spring years ago I felt like I was going through Winter.

By contrast, Autumn a few months later began to show the faint stirrings of new growth and resolution.

It was on an October day just like today I came to terms with the fact I had better start planning for a future without my husband of 12 years who had left me a few months before.

Hence 'September Spring'.

Practical steps to get to a better place

By that stage I was all cried-out and prayed-out.

I wiped my eyes, shoved my screwed-up handkerchief into my pocket, and faced the future: Part 2 Of My (Love?) Life.

Perhaps you’ve been in that situation yourself, or similar.

Perhaps you've been left reeling by life events and feel, as I did, the need of a change of mindset and taking intentional steps to find a way forward.

At times of loss in my life — whether that's been a health problem, a family crisis, loneliness — I've found sitting down and coming up with some objective ideas to improve things was a way of taking back some control from the something or someone who seemed to be dictating my circumstances.

It's helped me mentally which is probably two-thirds of the battle of dealing with whatever life throws at you.

In Part 1 Of My Life:

I used to believe that things would 'just work out' due to God (or Destiny/Fate/The Universe/Life itself). I would be guided to my 'one-and-only'.

In Part 2 Of My Life:

I began to suspect the 'one-and-only' idea was a myth.

Maybe it's closer to the truth that we meet more than one potential partner throughout our lives.

Each one will have pros and cons as a life-partner. No perfection.

And vice versa.

P2YL mindset:

In Part 1 Of My Life:

First time round, college and work and church and socialising brought me into frequent contact with single people in a similar age-group.

In Part 2 Of My Life:

Second time around, virtually everyone in a similar age bracket around me was already coupled up.

T he P2YL mindset:

In Part 1 Of My Life:

‘Just be yourself’ seemed to be the unquestioned mantra.

By Part 2 Of My Life:

Unfortunately sometimes it's an attitude that can trick you into being self-centred and inflexible, stymieing relationships.

T he P2YL mindset:

In Part 1 Of My Life:

First time round, thirty was considered ‘old’.

Both sexes were in prime condition and at the height of their superficial attractiveness.

In Part 2 Of My Life:

Looking round at men for the first time in 15 years was proof to me of the toll time takes on all of us.

Including me.

(Though I like to think we women mature like fine wine.)

The P2YL mindset:

��

September Spring | 4. The power of a new place

Thu, 26 Sep 2024 20:05:48 GMT

Can relocating aid personal recovery?

One September day nearly twenty years ago, I locked up the ‘Former Marital Home’ (lawyer-speak) in Oxford for the last time and later unpacked my belongings in a London hall-of-residence for mature students.

I left as a 40-year-old woman with a fixed world viewpoint, an extremely chaste past, and feeling low in feminine confidence, trust in the future, and sense of worth.

I returned as…!

My ‘back-to-work’ scheme

Mid-life divorce had meant I needed to find a full-time job after several years of part-time and freelance work. Re-entering the jobs market in midlife I knew I would have to re-train in order to up my appeal to a prospective employer.

The choice as I saw it was either to go back into my early career in publishing, or to focus on more recent work in libraries and to qualify professionally as a librarian.

The most important career-question for me was:

What did I need from a job?

Intuitively I felt I needed to rebuild my feminine confidence and form connections with others. Ease the awful loneliness and yes, maybe even remarry someday.

When I worked in publishing it had meant having my head stuck in a pile of proofs all day, whereas library work was sociable and interactive.

So that was how I ended up opting to do a one-year Masters in Library and Information Science at City University, London.

(Did I have some mental image of my future self working in The Bodleian Library and an attractive North American professor on sabbatical falling in love with me? Well, maybe.)

The power of place

That year showed me the healing power of fresh surroundings and new activities. I had a purpose, a course which stretched me technically, a ready-made group of fellow-students to get to know, and a vibrant historic city around me to explore with the benefit of a student discount.

Rereading my diary of that time it strikes me how much I wrote about my work progress, the interesting people and their stories, and the novelty of London, rather than dwelling on the misery caused by lost Edens of the past.

Feeling freer

What had happened to me caused me to reject my old beliefs about love, sex, relationships, flings, hookups. For a while casual fun was a tantalising game to play. In effect I had my forties in my teenage years and my teenage years in my forties. While it put the wiggle back in my walk, it wasn't a way of life that could satisfy indefinitely.

'Love wasn't a fluke'

Rereading that diary I can see the gradual return of a realistic confidence in my future:

My return

So I returned to Oxford and a new flat one year later, more open-minded, feeling physically liberated, with a little more work confidence due to a new qualification and an entry-level job offer at a university library.

I was still single, newly divorced, a bit traumatised, and uncertain about how I would cope but my year spent in new surroundings untainted by past associations and having something to occupy my mind and energies had definitely caused an inner, beneficial change.

‘Fresh fields’

I discovered that starting afresh in a new location can be a powerful way of untying yourself from the associations of a lost past or present. It can turn a definitive page in your life and accelerate the whole healing process.

Whether or not you relocate physically doesn't matter over all because you are still on the way to a new destination:

Your own future: yours to grow into, yours to own.

��

September Spring | 3. Your second survival checklist

Fri, 20 Sep 2024 12:11:55 GMT

Featuring lace, linen, and lavender

This has been tried and tested by me, so I decided to share it with you.

I love and am grateful for the life I live now, but my past has had plenty of knocks which I sometimes thought would keep me down forever.

Through these times I gradually learnt some interim survival skills which really helped get me through to much happier times.

They are:

Do whatever it takes to survive

The most important first step is to find a way that will enable you, as an individual, simply to survive until life gets better of its own accord.

Survival is all about finding whatever keeps a tiny flame of hope alive until the day the sunlight itself breaks through.

Sometimes the survival package might seem slightly crazy to others, and even to yourself in retrospect, but that’s not important right now: your need to survive must take priority.

Slightly crazy but it worked for me:

�� When going through an episode of depression characterised by restless anxiety, I came into contact with someone from a church pastoral environment who lived a short walk away. I hardly knew her but somehow I sensed she would be sympathetic and sensible and trustworthy.

I tentatively approached her and politely asked her if I could speak confidentially. We talked and came to an agreement: when I felt overwhelmed by restless anxiety verging on panic in my own house, I would phone her up and if she was free, I would walk to her place for a sit down and a cuppa.

I found that just escaping my own four walls into a different, fresh atmosphere with someone calm and gentle made the whole weight of nerves gradually melt away. I visited her only a few times and always left feeling strengthened, my ability to cope restored. In time I was fine again and recognised that she had kindly provided me with a simple but effective safety valve when I needed it.

��️ In my experience, mornings are always the worst when going through dark times. You wake far too early, watching the grey dawn light creep round the sides of the curtains, dreading the day before you that somehow has to be endured.

I found I could make the day manageable by mentally chopping it into small manageable portions. I would get my journal out and write down some small, short-term goals, with a little challenge to see if I could find some tiny moment of pleasure in each of them, and then reward myself with a treat afterwards. One example:

�� Do the ironing;

�� Notice the fresh, clean, scent of newly-laundered clothes and the smooth feeling of fabric under my hands;

�� Afterwards, sit down with a cup of Yorkshire Gold tea and a slice of rich fruit cake served on my best Blue Denmark chinaware.

And as a result, I would find myself thinking: ‘OK, life might be rough at the moment, but these minutes here and now I actually feel calm and peaceful.’

This recognition that the worst moments do really pass is a crucial life-survival skill.

�� Knowing I was feeling panicky, I would keep a beautiful, embroidered handkerchief made of lace and linen and scented with lavender essential oil in my bag at work. Whenever I felt a need for calm, I would surreptitiously fish out the hanky and take a deep breath of its fragrance. I can’t explain why, but I have found that inhaling lavender is so intense it actually blots out my anxieties for a moment or two, giving me this wonderful reminder of the peace of mind to which I know I will someday return.

�� Workplace panic attacks can make you tremble all over. If ever this happened to me, I wouldn’t fight it, I would play it at its own game. I would go to a toilet cubicle, lock the door, and give myself a good shake all over: hands, arms, feet, legs, whole body. It seemed to use up all the excess nerves and jitters. The trembling would subside and I could carry on with my work calmer and more in control.

Let time pass

Life seems to slow down agonisingly when it is painful. So I offer these three great allies that help make time pass, stop the brain from churning endlessly like a rat in a maze, and bring some comfort:

��

Enjoy what you're reading?

September Spring | 2. Your first survival checklist

Mon, 16 Sep 2024 10:37:32 GMT

��

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When some previously unimaginable loss seems to be happening to you, like a broken marriage or relationship or another blow that sends you reeling, I first recommend two things to hold on to:

✅ First, honour your own ability to self-heal .

This purple wildflower is known as ‘self-heal’.

Its name reminds me of something true and encouraging about human nature:

We have a built-in ability to heal. If you cut your finger, then even without any medical intervention, a natural healing process will begin.

Emotionally too, we have an innate ability to recover, adapt, and get over stuff . It helps to remember this.

Four qualities of the Self-Heal flower :

It is COMMON . So is human healing and recovery.

It is ABUNDANT . A situation that initially feels huge and unmanageable can be dealt with over time.

It is PERENNIAL . So is the human ability to keep coming back again and again.

It has a CREEPING ROOTSTOCK . OK, this one I had to look up.

It basically means that underground, hidden from view, the plant quietly and unobtrusively goes on doing all the right things it needs for survival and new growth, even though we are unaware of it.

✅ Second, consider these simple words I was given that proved true .

‘The real you is always safe.’

This was said to me by a woman I knew years ago. She was a woman who, even if you met her only briefly, exuded genuine understanding and wisdom.

I think what she meant by those words is that whatever happens to us on the outside, whatever our circumstances, we have an inner self which nothing can damage. Perhaps historically that's been called our soul?

In my own case, I might be feeling as though I had lost my identity, lost a part of myself through marriage breakup, but the real me inside, was still there and ready for a new future.

‘No doubt, in time, you will meet someone else.’

Not only was I devastated by my first husband leaving me, but in the aftermath came the gnawing suspicion, ‘No one else will ever love me.’

My feminine confidence had taken a huge hit and I could no longer see myself as ‘worthy’ of attracting anyone else.

Being reassured by sympathetic female friends sounded hollow after what had happened.

The only comment which somehow rang true was from a calm, detached, balance-of-probabilities friend, who said quietly and matter-of-factly, ‘No doubt, in time, you will meet someone else.’

It was still early days. I was a long, long way from wanting to date again; I just wanted to have back the husband I had married in good faith 12 years ago!

I stayed scrupulously single until after the divorce was official. For a long time after that, I could only cope with casual flings and non-serious relationships.

But somehow those nine unremarkable words stayed with me and were the ones I clung onto until I did indeed meet that very special Someone Else.

A lot was to happen in the meantime.

Next week: Your second survival checklist.

For now:

��

A September Spring | 1. Introduction

Mon, 09 Sep 2024 13:05:14 GMT

��

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As August turns to September I don’t know about you but I still get that faint nostalgic ‘back to school’ feeling.

Somewhere in the crisp or misty morning air I catch a hint of fresh energy and purpose, as though generated by all the schoolkids returning to a new school year.

So I’m inviting you to dip into that sense of latent energy and purpose and bring some Spring into Autumn.

In each post watch out for:

As you can see from the main image above, I've had my fair share of glitches and bumps in my life.

Without being in any way exceptional, I’ve pressed through to build a contented, satisfying, and yes, joyful life.

So I want to give back, by passing on anything I’ve found helpful to other women who may be going through something similar.

P2YL | Part 2 Of Your (Love?) Life

My main inspiration for this has been experiencing a broken marriage and having to re-start life without a clue in my forties.

I called this process P2YL | Part 2 Of Your (Love?) Life .

For me it was about coming to terms with new parameters, restoring confidence in myself as a woman, finding new love .

Perhaps at the root of it was learning how to love life again, even if, let’s be honest, life isn’t always very loveable.

So:

See you next week for: ‘ Your Survival Checklist ’.

��

P2YL | 27. September Spring

Fri, 23 Aug 2024 06:41:04 GMT

To receive 'A September Spring' emails

��

No spam and you can unsubscribe anytime

NEW FOR P2YL:

September Spring is a series of 6+ weekly emails bringing together what helped me during those rough months early in the process of loss.

I believe it’s not just relevant to the particular situation I found myself in (separation/divorce/heartbreak).

I think the self-comforting I used in my life could work for anyone facing loss or upheaval that leaves them feeling as though their identity has suddenly been ripped from them.

I chose ‘September Spring’ because although it sounds like a contradiction in terms (in the Northern hemisphere, that is) it reminds me of a botanical saying I find comforting at the start of every winter:

I think if it’s implicit in nature, it’s implicit in us as women too.

So in September Spring emails I’m going to briefly describe, based on my own experience, how you can nurture the small beginnings of healing and growth after loss and heartbreak.

Ideas for gently strengthening yourself so in time you can escape gradually from Part 1 Of Your Love-Life to a new and uplifting Part 2 Of Your (Love?) Life .

I’ve found what I learned then useful in dealing with any subsequent ups and downs I’ve had in my life.

I’ll always be grateful for that.

��

P2YL | 26. Make it a fruitful September

Fri, 16 Aug 2024 14:02:55 GMT

Or, a Springtime to blossom

What does the word 'September' mean to you?

In the North, September hints at mists and mellow fruitfulness.

In the South, there is a whiff of spring with the wattle (acacia) in bloom, and daffodils and tulips swaying in the breeze.

Whether this time of year is your autumn or your spring, as part of the path to Part 2 Of Your (Love?) Life I'm personally inviting you to:

Harvest some good things about you and your life
Sow fresh personal seeds and nurture them into new growth.

My gentle challenge

Come September, I’m going to send you a weekly email concentrating on one personal life-ingredient to nourish you on your way to Part 2 Of Your (Love?) Life.

Possible elements I'll be including:

Self-care ritual
An invitation to forgive
Living thankfully
Vision board creation
Creativity invitation
Femininity invitation
Spiritual invitation
A personal pep-talk

There are rich possibilities here. Try one, some, or all.

Rest assured these are all things I’ve found helped get me through to a better place during those early years of feeling shattered and alone after divorce.

They helped prepare me for Part 2 Of My Love Life, and I want them to be of help to you too.

��

P2YL | 25. Things I do differently second time around

Wed, 24 Jul 2024 16:08:19 GMT

I am writing this in the members' lounge of a flying club.

Sprawled around on the leather Chesterfields are men — mostly — of varying ages who are either in the process of acquiring a pilot's licence, or training others to acquire one.

I don't fit either of these categories so what am I doing here?

This is one of the things I'm choosing to do differently in Part 2 Of My (Love?) Life.

What happened in Part 1

I was married first to a man who, several years after we got married, developed a passion for sailing. Not the gentle cruising type, but full-on ocean-racing, requiring yacht-master training and qualifications.

I, on the other hand, couldn't swim, was not surprisingly fearful of deep water, prone to seasickness, and am miserable when cold and wet.

So sailing wasn't for me but I had no problem with him taking time out to pursue his new interest at a sailing club on the coast.

It didn't occur to me not to trust him and I knew if I tagged along with a brave face I would simply be a drag on him.

Whenever he was off for a few days' sailing I got busy with my own interests, and loved hearing about his experiences when he came home.

Unfortunately some of these experiences included ones he wasn’t telling me about: he began an affair with a woman, also married, at the yacht club and ultimately left me for her.

Making Part 2 different

Fast forward all these years and now that I am in a new marriage, I find myself handling my husband's individual interests slightly differently.

He is learning to fly and I go with him regularly to the flying club, making myself at home in the clubhouse while he's up in the skies.

'It's good for a man to have a hobby...but I do draw the line at other women'

Please don't misunderstand me.

I'm not saying for one instant that someone is justified in cheating on their partner if that partner doesn't share every single flippin' one of their interests.

There are no excuses. Any grown-up man worthy of the name shouldn't need to be followed around by his wife in order for him to be able to keep his trousers on.

Neither am I saying you have to share exactly the same interests for a successful marriage.

I look around me and I see contented couples with different interests every day of the week.

Being able to love only a carbon-copy of yourself is narcissism, not love.

A new way of giving

But you know all that stuff about 'love languages'?

What I've learnt with the benefit of experience is that taking an interest in some of a partner's pastimes is one way of giving to the marriage, a sort of love language you can choose to try out.

Some activities will prove a dead end (I hated every minute of watching live rugby) but this time round I'm more open to trying things my partner likes and then continuing if there's a spark of interest.

It's a way of consolidating and enriching our marriage, and that's healthy for both it and us.

And of course it needs to be reciprocal.

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P2YL | 24. If someone cheats on you, it's their fault. Not yours.

Tue, 02 Jul 2024 11:20:07 GMT

So don't do any heavy-lifting of THEIR guilt

For all P2YL readers I keep an eye on the media for anything relevant to us.

I came across this piece of advice from TV's Loose Women panelist Coleen Nolan, in her role as Problem Page advisor for the UK Mirror .

The issue

A reader writes: 'I've no self-confidence as I’ve been married twice and both husbands cheated on me. My self-esteem is at rock bottom.

‘I don’t have a clue how to go about meeting anyone. But I would like to try to find a lovely man to enjoy life with and to grow old with.'

The response

I love Coleen's straightforward admission when she writes:

I’ve been in the same position. A woman with an unfaithful husband. Twice.

She goes on to explain the tricks our wounded self-confidence plays on us and I agree with her:

Women are often the opposite of arrogant, so we have a tendency to come up with imaginary reasons to blame ourselves when a partner cheats on us.

A cheating man on the other hand has a tendency to come up with imaginary excuses to make himself feel less guilty.

Coleen is blunt and spot on: actions speak louder than words. A man cheats and leaves because he’s a cheater. He chose those actions when he could have chosen to stop at any point.

Speaking from experience

When my first husband cheated on and left me for someone else, I remember looking enviously at a lovely friend of mine (let's call her Samantha) who seemed to have every quality that makes a great life-partner: kind, attractive, loving, intelligent, a great hostess, good company, and stably married for 20+ years.

'This is just the sort of thing that would never happen to Samantha,' I remember thinking, filled with feelings of inferiority and loneliness.

Fast forward a few years, and I received a confidential phone call from her with tears in her voice: 'Well, Katrina — my husband's done the same thing to me as yours did to you.'

I had difficulty believing what I was hearing but now I have seen more of life I know that being cheated on — going through a broken marriage — can happen to anyone and any marriage.

(BTW I’m happy to say Samantha is now contentedly remarried to a lovely man.)

Unreliable voices

'If I were more beautiful...had a posh job...was smarter...a domestic goddess...more athletic…'

Tiny accusations whisper in your ear in the middle of the hell caused by someone else's betrayal.

The whispers are subtle lies. Consider the evidence:

Women who’ve been cheated on

Film star Audrey Hepburn was thought of as one of the most beautiful and desirable women in the world, yet her husband cheated on her.

Ditto the late Diana, Princess of Wales .

Hillary Clinton , a woman of high intelligence and political acumen, had a cheating spouse.

Martha Stewart , celebrated for her expertise in homemaking, went through a divorce, with it being reported that her husband had been unfaithful.

Prominent women don't fare any better in the faithful partner stakes, and Coleen’s frank statement illustrates that.

Beauty — brains — womanliness — money — personality — power: not one of these assets stopped someone’s partner cheating on them.

Someone can always find an excuse to cheat if they feel like it.

I doubt if infidelity says anything meaningful about the marriage or the person left behind.

It says much more about the character of the unfaithful partner

The good news

Please don’t let this put you off your own Part 2 Of Your (Love?) Life, because this is not the whole story.

In maturity you can discover people who are what JB Priestley termed a ' real man or woman — not a mere bundle of self-indulgence .'

People who get that couple-commitment is a more vital force than the unfettered pursuit of their own personal pleasure.

Coleen’s wise conclusion

To sum up the rest of Coleen's advice:

Take a year before considering a new relationship to give yourself time to learn to love oneself and begin to heal.

And when you do go back into relationships, you will find you are doing it from a place of more strength and better confidence.

I can't do better than echo her sign-off words:

�� Good luck. I’m rooting for you! ��

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P2YL | 23. A media appearance

Mon, 24 Jun 2024 14:47:05 GMT

Real life: 'Second chance at happiness'

The UK edition of Woman’s Weekly (dated 18 June 2024) featured my husband Tim and me in ‘Second chance of love’ in their Real Life section.

I was delighted as my intention is to encourage anyone who may have had a bad experience last time round that you can still find contentment and peace in a shared life with someone special.

What struck me about both of us women included in the ‘Second chance of love’ feature..

Our romances didn’t happen by accident. It took a bit of action, a bit of patience, and then it gradually fell into place.

I’m a great believer in intentionality. It’s certainly changed my life, and for the better.

It inspires me with hope that there are second – and more opportunities – in life, and not only for love and romance.

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Book review | Farewell to South Shore

katrina.robinson1@outlook.com (Katrina Robinson) — Tue, 18 Jun 2024 16:42:19 GMT

By Charlene Wexler | Published by Speaking Volumes

'Are women better off today than they were 50 years ago?'

It's the question lying behind Charlene Wexler's novel Farewell to South Shore and one which I thought I knew the answer to when I was eighteen but which I now think is more nuanced.

So I was eager to see if I could reach any conclusions through the eyes and experiences of the novel's protagonist, Sherrie Paul, a woman maturing through mid-20th century America to the Millennium.

Sherrie's personal circumstances as part of large, close-knit Jewish family in Chicago are specific, but her experiences have a wide resonance for contemporary women. She is both traditional and progressive: she is the first member of her family to attend University and at the same time wants committed love and marriage and wants to remain virginal until then.

(Does she change her mind when she meets the man of her dreams? No spoilers.)

Sherrie loves home and nurtures family conventions while developing an open, thoughtful attitude to new situations including homosexuality, unplanned pregnancy and abortion, family secrets, domestic abuse, divorce, single motherhood, women’s reproductive rights and midlife romance.

To women of my generation it's fascinating to read an eye-witness view of the times of Roe v. Wade and Ruth Bader Ginsberg, learning how we got to where we are now. I found myself warming to Sherrie with her mixture of tradition and willingness to work towards a fairer society, and the book left me feeling positive and energised.

As for the 'Are women better off today?' dilemma?

Read Farewell to South Shore , compare Sherrie's experiences with your own, and reach your own conclusion.

Link to paperback and e book ⬇️

Author: Charlene Wexler

Imprint: Speaking Volumes

ISBN: 9798890220721 paperback

eISBN: 9798890220714

Publication date: 22 January 2024

P2YL | 22. Bang go my chances of a Damehood 👑

Mon, 10 Jun 2024 10:48:14 GMT

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Ever read an article or seen something on the media that has prompted you to put pen to paper, or fingertips to keyboard?

You’ve maybe mulled it over, questioned if it’s a good idea to send or not, but in the end, after sleeping on it, you hit ‘Send’ – and wait to see what happens.

Will it disappear into the ether? Will it make its mark? Will it provoke a backlash?

Still in your heart of hearts you feel it’s worth doing.

My letter to The Lady

The Lady is a glossy magazine I love and I read every issue for its fantastic retro appeal.

It has class, elegance, style, and great coverage of the arts.

The British Royals frequently feature and a recent issue had a long feature on Queen Camilla and King Charles and their relationship.

It was all written in glowing rose-pink terms and you can’t help wondering what the late Queen, Princess Diana, or her sons, would have felt about the way the story was presented.

If you’re a woman (or man) who’s had to go through the pain of divorce because of two other people’s infidelity you are deeply aware of all that has gone on behind the outward fa ç ade.

Not a rant, more a reminder

So I wrote a letter to The Lady in response. I tried to get the balance right, saying in effect:

I have great respect for both the King and Queen as individuals in their hard work and dedication to service, but...

Deep-down any person with half a conscience knows that, and Charles and Camilla both strike me as conscientious people.

The Lady published my letter.

I was grateful as I felt I owed putting this down in black-and-white to all the faithful spouses out there who end up paying the price for someone else's behaviour.

I wish the King and Queen well. They have a hard job, and if they can support each other while they do it, I’m glad of that too.

Just let’s not see them as relationship role models and sweep the facts under the carpet because it’s too much like saying:

Public promises don’t matter. Commitment doesn’t matter. Other people don’t matter.

Oh, don't they?

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P2YL | 21. Love at third sight

Wed, 29 May 2024 14:53:21 GMT

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Someone you would never suspect has been voted 'the UK's sexiest man and it makes total (weird) sense to me', says Fleur Britten, writing in the Lifestyle section of the UK Independent.

He and the other men who make the list are pictured alongside the article. They a re definitely on the mature side and as I’m sure the men themselves would agree, are not stereotypically handsome, movie-star types.

At the same time, all are happily and stably coupled-up with wives or female partners who seem equally content.

So why is this relevant?

You may or may not rate any of the men listed. Doesn’t matter. Believe it or not, this headline is actually good news because it shows attractiveness is much wider and more diverse than a superficial glance would suggest.

This fact alone immediately and immeasurably ups the likelihood of you meeting that special someone i f you don’t write them off too soon.

‘If I don’t fancy them, I don’t fancy them!’

The same week I read of a 35-year-old reluctantly single woman who seems eminently eligible, dismissing the men she meets on dates with the blanket statement, ‘If I don’t fancy them, I don’t fancy them.’

It’s not clear at what stage she makes this decision, effectively shutting down any further connection with them.

But it did make me wonder if she was unwittingly self-sabotaging her chances through a quick-fire dating strategy.

The Three Date Rule (it’s not what you’re thinking)

During my own post-divorce dating years, my basic strategy could be summed up as this:

On one first date, I remember thinking dismissively, ‘Does this man ever say a serious word?!?’ and deliberately keeping my distance when we left the venue in case he did something completely terrible like try to hold my hand.

I didn’t dislike him. I just wasn’t instantly smitten. In accordance with my Three Date Rule, when he asked me out again, I said yes. And then yes to a further date.

We’ve now been happily married for eight years. He won my heart and I love holding hands with him. We laugh about that first date and I’m just so relieved I had the sense to make it to Date No. 3 because it allowed me enough time to feel the beginnings of a subtle attraction starting to simmer towards him and then continue to grow as our relationship deepened.

How does this affect whether to see someone again or not?

Nos. 1 and 2 will provoke instinctive reactions and you can act accordingly.

It's the No. 3s you have to watch.

If No. 3 is closest to how you feel, can I suggest you don’t write someone off because of some perceived lack of Hollywoodesque chemistry?

If he likes you and seems like a good guy, I’d suggest giving him at least three dates before coming to a conclusion.

And, as always, date safely, dear sisters.

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Book review | The Invention of Charlotte Brontë: Her Last Years and The Scandal That Made Her

Tue, 28 May 2024 13:34:42 GMT

By Graham Watson | Published by The History Press

Is Elizabeth Gaskell to Charlotte Brontë what James Boswell was to Dr Johnson?

Did Brontë’s friend and biographer create, in The Life of Charlotte Brontë , the Charlotte we think we know now?

The Invention of Charlotte Brontë: Her Last Years and The Scandal That Made Her , by Brontë specialist and literary historian Graham Watson, delves deep into the story behind Gaskell’s image-defining work.

What follows is a gripping read of the biography’s hazardous path.

It almost didn’t make it. The first edition was withdrawn following threats of legal action. The second edition was published and again withdrawn. It was only on the third attempt that a heavily redacted third edition appeared and finally found its way to a public who had been mesmerised first of all by Jane Eyre and then by the extraordinary novels which emanated from one family of sisters in Haworth.

Why so many legal threats? Gaskell had to upset quite a lot of people from Brontë’s past to tell what she felt had to be told about the character and background of the ‘utterly unique’ woman and novelist she had come to know.

It’s a picture of a woman on a mission to hunt down all living sources who had known Charlotte Brontë or her family in her desire to convey Brontë’s life as fully as she could.

I was unaware that the publication of The Life of Charlotte Brontë had provoked nearly as much scandal and fascination as Jane Eyre itself and I felt fresh admiration for Gaskell’s professionalism and dedication to a task which almost finished her off.

‘Catch me writing another biography!’ she exclaimed when it was all done.

A fascinating and eye-opening narrative that’s as readable as a novel.

Link to the book ⬇️

Author: Graham Watson

Imprint: The History Press

ISBN: 9781803995373 hardback

Illustrations: 20

Published: 30 May 2024

P2YL | 20. The pep-talk from a Queen...

Sat, 11 May 2024 17:39:58 GMT

...that helped me take courage

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When I found myself divorced and alone in midlife, I felt scared.

Somehow I would have to rebuild my feminine confidence, find a way to earn more money, learn to socialise and date again.

Reading my diaries from back then I see I had to give myself pretty regular pep-talks as I was frequently dragged down by disappointment and set-backs.

The first pep-talk was inspired by the British Royal Family.

‘The Reluctant King’

I heard the audio play Crown Matrimonial about George VI, grandfather of the present King Charles.

George VI was the awkward younger brother of the suave and popular Edward VIII, and was called on to face the task of kingship because Edward VIII decided to abdicate.

‘Bertie’ (as George VI was known in his family) was a chronically shy man with a speech impediment who felt appalled at the future facing him.

It’s on record he broke down and sobbed in front of his mother, Queen Mary, at the thought of becoming king:

‘I c-c-c-can’t do it. I c-c-c-can’t even speak properly.’

The Queen of all pep-talks

In the play Queen Mary responds first of all by handing him a whisky and sitting him down.

She then de-escalates the whole emotional side to help him see himself as a rational person with ability and courage, rather than the helpless victim of cruel fate.

Her approach was along the lines of: Right, let’s weigh this whole thing up.

Remember the pluses

She doesn’t ignore the challenges but one by one she lists the positives that are going to help him:

he was supported by a devoted and practically minded wife and two adoring daughters;

he already had the respect of the British people who knew he hadn't asked for this job;

and they admired the courage he had shown in being willing to make public speeches even with his evident stutter.

He had already had some training for this role simply through being second-in-line.

She also cited his ‘great guts’.

However frail he might appear to others, she could sense that underneath there was a hint of grit and determination.

She was right about that, and the pep-talk made sense.

George VI was an utterly devoted king.

He worked on himself to adapt to this unsought role and comforted and inspired the UK public during the Second World War.

When he died, he was deeply loved and mourned.

Looking back it seems he made a far better king than the abdicated Edward VIII would ever have done.

My Queen Mary moment

So after an initial period of grief and rage, I scaled down the emotional side of it, and tried to emulate Queen Mary’s cool, clear appraisal.

On the negative side I told myself:

Your husband’s dumped you after 14 years of marriage;

You are no longer young and you’ve never been considered pretty.

You are shy;

You don’t have a high-earning career.

BUT on the plus side:

Remember what your GP said: ‘Just because of what your husband did doesn’t mean your romantic life is over.’

The financial settlement will pay for you to re-train;

You don’t need to be a ravishing beauty to look attractive;

Shyness isn’t a handicap if you are basically a friendly person and you have a purpose.

Perhaps most of all: you have your self-respect.

Your personal pep-talk

Can I invite you to be Queen Mary to your inner George VI?

If you’re reading this, I think it’s more than likely you already have that hint of ‘guts’.

Can you take a cool, clear, look at the positives you have, embrace them, and capitalise on them for yourself?

P2YL | 19. YOUR 'one small step' for womankind

Sun, 28 Apr 2024 10:20:07 GMT

Would my method work for you?

As an airline captain’s wife I had loved aviation, being able to fly First or Business Class, lots of holidays in exotic locations, cockpit visits.

Until my husband left me for an air hostess.

Avoidance as a coping mechanism

For a long time I couldn’t face airports or planes, or anything connected with them.

As time passed, however, I wanted to get over this reaction and fly again, yet feared being brought low by memories.

So I came up with a plan for my first post-divorce flight and wrote about it in My one small step for womankind .

Did it work?

Surprise no.1

One big dread was having to face an air hostess welcoming me on board the flight. In my imagination I saw myself being greeted by a stereotypically cosmetically enhanced dollybird with a fake smile, which would stir up all my anger and hurt.

What actually happened surely proved that God/Fate/the Universe has a quirky sense of humour. There I was, all geared up to face down a glamorous air hostess at the aircraft door and…it was a man. A perfectly inoffensive male cabin steward.

From my diary of the time:

So, the first time confronting the past in this way was uncomfortable but not impossible. With a pinch of preparation and determination, I found I could do it.

I deployed my coping techniques and they got me through. Each flight after this was a little easier than the last, and the final healing touch came via another surprise much later on.

Surprise no. 2 (5 years later)

Many years after the divorce and this first post-divorce flight, I joined a walking group where, during a walk in the Chilterns, I got chatting to a lovely man. After going out for two years, we got married.

His job? He’s a civil aviation consultant.

So once again airports and planes and overseas holidays are part of my life, no longer painful but instead joyful reminders that I hadn't lost after all.

If I put this in a novel it would sound like too much of a coincidence but it’s true and makes me wonder if Someone Up There had a joke up their sleeve all along.

What’s your personal small step for womankind?

Are there situations you dread but want to make bearable?

Could you try these suggestions or tweak them to fit your circumstances?

1. ‘A compulsively good book’

Maybe reading’s not your thing, but music or something else might be. The point here is distraction. In social situations this could be adapted to taking minute bathroom-breaks or similar, to:

consciously calm yourself;
massage fragrant hand-lotion into your hands;
touch up your make-up while mentally complimenting yourself;
read a morale-boosting line or two from a paperback in your shoulder bag;
listen to a few moments of something soothing via earbuds.

Then go back out, knowing you are refreshed, head held high.

2. ‘Changing the script’

I’m sorry if this sounds unkind but it does ease the inner pressure if you sometimes think, ‘Silly cow,’ or, ‘You flippin’ eejit,’ in your head while smiling and being polite to someone who holds hurtful memories. Just don’t say it out loud.

3. Using inner detachment

I blocked the world outside using earbuds but in other situations where this wasn’t possible I detached myself by finding a beautiful or calming object in my surroundings, and keeping it like a talisman in my mind.

At one stressful event I noticed an historical portrait of a serene woman on a wall. Yet I also knew this woman had dealt with tribulation in her life. I held this image in my mind and channelled her graceful calm for my own situation.

4. Rising above those you might hurt you

Sometimes it helps to diffuse your feelings by mentally reframing a problematic person. Inwardly rising above them, perhaps even slightly pitying them.

It’s not meant to be a malicious put-down, more an inner way of handling feelings when you need to stay in control.

Or if talking to a certain person prompts pain, fear or stress, try focusing on one of their eyes, not both.

You’re giving them enough attention while at the same time politely but discreetly refusing to let them dominate your vision.

5. Humour

You might think it impossible to find any humour whatsoever in your situation, but so did I, and look what happened to me.

Life is so quirky, it wouldn’t at all surprise me if it happened to you too.

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P2YL | 18. My 'one small step' for womankind

katrina.robinson1@outlook.com (Katrina Robinson) — Fri, 19 Apr 2024 13:27:47 GMT

Getting over a memory that holds you back

Is there a place or situation which you avoid because it is linked to too many painful memories?

I’ve struggled with that. But at some stage in the heartbreak-healing process, I began to feel the urge to develop a coping process, or this avoidance might hold me back as a woman who wanted to live life fully.

I don't think of myself as a very brave or strong person, so instead of trying to psyche myself up to be really tough, I used mental tricks and distractions and a touch of gallows humour to get me through.

Could this be a useful technique for dealing sneakily with stuff we thought we couldn’t?

My backstory

My first husband was an airline pilot and I loved flying and travelling with him. I grew fascinated by the world of aviation, researching and writing a magazine article on the elegant British aviatrix Sheila Scott .

Initially struck by Sheila Scott's personal elegance, what impressed me even more when I read her biography was the fact she wasn't a natural pilot, it didn't come easily to her, and she had to struggle with nerves and fears, especially to start with. I could relate to that.

Then, years into the marriage, when my pilot husband (***Cliché Alert***) fell foul of an air hostess and left me for her, I felt I never wanted to fly or go near an airport again.

When I told that to my plain-speaking father, he took his pipe out of his mouth and said shortly, ‘You’ll have to get over that. Or you’ll never travel.’

Sometimes being told a brusque truth does you more good than being sympathised with.

Chocks away...?

So, a few years post-divorce I wrote in my diary:

'Rising above' those who might hurt you

Bless all the dear little cabin and flight crew, I told myself. They are simply anonymous service industry workers whose job it is to get me to my destination safely. Personally, they’re nothing to me.

The results on the day?

Did it work? I’ll share what happened in a later instalment.

Or! If you're feeling curious, I share all my blog posts earlier via email:

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P2YL | 17. 'Live Alone and Like It' (by Marjorie Hillis)

Mon, 01 Apr 2024 14:24:42 GMT

The classic guide in a 21st century edition

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Why am I recommending a book first published in 1936 to you? Because it really cheered me up during a miserable time in my life when I knew I would soon be a divorcée living on my own.

Live Alone and Like It (known to its admirers as LALI ) was written by Marjorie Hillis, a journalist who had learnt the art of upskilling solo living, because, as she points out in the book:

So, she advises, ‘You need a plan.’

She lays out her suggestions in a twelve-point guide to make sure you get the best out of that life. Here’s a smattering of her style:

'Who do you think you are?'

Her starting point is to encourage you to create and foster a healthy and attractive self-image, and then find ways to live up to it in reality.

As she says, ‘You can live alone gaily, graciously, ostentatiously, dully, stolidly. Or feeling sorry for yourself.’

Put that way, you realise a lot can be magicked out of your own attitude, and she’s here to come up with suggestions.

‘When a lady needs a friend’

All about routes to making new acquaintances and friends.

Today’s woman can of course add in the Internet as a valuable source of what’s going on locally.

In my own LALI years, this was the way I discovered a local arts group, a film club, numerous social events, and a 10k walking club where one fateful day I met my husband.

‘Your leisure, if any’

There’s a trick to it: have at least one hobby that takes you out of your home (see above), and another that keeps you contentedly absorbed when indoors alone.

Both need to be pastimes you feel passionately about, not merely time-passers. This is where you experiment. I’m currently trying out ‘slow stitching’ courtesy of wattleandloop.com .

Marjorie’s also a great believer in travel for women.

‘Setting for a solo act’

Home should be *your* haven. This chapter is all about making sure your living space is a place that delights you, reflects your personality, and is inviting to visitors. Even on a small budget.

‘Pleasures of a single bed’

Quote: ‘You can have more fun in bed than anywhere else, and we are not being vulgar. Even going to bed alone can be alluring.’

She shows you how to make bed not the place you stay in because you’re depressed but treating it like your own, personal, royal boudoir with emphasis on beautiful bedlinen, fetching night-attire, and delicious fragrance. A place of conscious comfort and renewal:

As she says, 'This is particularly advisable if you don’t want to keep on going to bed alone for the rest of your life, but do it anyway.’

She makes a stylishly-presented breakfast in bed sound like heaven on earth and I'm longing to give it a try if I can find an alluring bedjacket — most of the ones I've seen on the Internet look warm but frumpy.

‘Will you, or won’t you?’

This was 1936 yet Marjorie was broad-minded and non-committal on the subject of sex and the single girl, though also wise as a serpent on the downsides.

'A lady and her liquor'

A chapter straight out of the era of Mad Men and The Cocktail Hour. She includes recipes for classic cocktails and accompanying nibbles, not forgetting the Mornings After and the fine shading every woman of style learns to recognise between Enough and Too Much.

‘The great uniter’ (ie food and entertaining)

‘Having three square meals a day is not enough — they ought to be three meals you can get a kick out of.’

She's all for the delights of solo or companionable deliciousness.

‘You’d better skip this one’

Marjorie Hillis must be unique as an author in actually urging you *not* to read something. Which of course makes you curious as to its hidden content.

It’s about how to budget your way to an even more stylish and enjoyable life. It certainly influenced my P2YL money technique during my own single years.

Live Alone and Like It is laced with ‘case studies’ of a myriad of LALI women and their lifestyles, and how they adapted the ideas to suit their personalities and circumstances (or didn't).

The effect of the book on me? It began the process of seeing myself in a different light at a time my post-divorce morale was in the gutter. I vowed that one day, if I was out of the woods, I'd pass on anything I found helpful to other women, and this book is one of them.

Marjorie sums it up with, ‘You will probably not have to live alone too long and like it,' and she spoke truer than she knew: three years after the book’s publication, and at the age of 49, Ms Hillis bade a fond farewell to the LALI lifestyle, marrying and becoming Marjorie Hillis Roulston.

She wrote several more wise and witty books, including Orchids On Your Budget: Living Smartly On What You Have and You Can Start Over , all about starting anew after divorce or widowhood. Equally enjoyable books I'm looking forward to reviewing in the future.

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P2YL | 16. How to spot Quality Men

Fri, 15 Mar 2024 14:07:46 GMT

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I’ve been married twice, divorced once. Despite my earlier marriage ending in divorce after fourteen years, I have no regrets that I married my first husband.

Why? Because despite what went wrong, he was essentially a man of quality, a QM, and it showed in the arrangements he made for me through the divorce process.

This meant despite feeling devastated I was put in an easier position to begin a new independent life. In due course I met a wonderful man of completely unimpeachable quality, and, Reader, I married him.

Life could have been much harsher if my first choice had been seriously wide of the mark.

This is so unlike the bitter stories I hear from women who say, ‘I can remember my wedding as if it were yesterday and if it were tomorrow, I wouldn’t turn up.’

I’ve learnt there are no guarantees in marriage as in life but if you choose a QM the chances of a lasting bond are increased, and if, unfortunately, things do go wrong, it makes a smoother aftermath more likely.

How do you attract and recognise a QM?

Be a woman of quality

Start with yourself. You strive to be a woman of integrity. You are not a doormat but you are considerate. You are polite and don’t eff and blind. Your word is your bond. You try to have good habits, or at least you’re working on them!

Talking maliciously behind other people’s backs holds no interest for you. You're above all that.

You respect yourself and others, and it shows. OK?

Exude quality

While it’s your inner quality that ultimately counts, you express this quality outwardly by showing that you value yourself.

Whatever your dress-style (casual/chic/urban/classic/housewife) you clearly care about yourself. You look ‘together’. You are fresh, clean, coordinated. You hold your head high and carry yourself well.

You look like you would be a pleasant person to get to know. You don’t need to go around with an inane grin on your face but a half-smile is saying, Actually my life’s OK, there is much to enjoy even if the world’s not perfect. It sends a reassuring signal.

Go where the QMs are

Once you've established yourself as a woman of quality, define what quality in a man means to you. For me it meant an intelligent and professional man with a good moral compass whom I could find attractive.

First time round, I was drawn to a large, lively church in a university city, sensing people there would share my feeling that it matters how you live your life and treat others.

You may or may not have any religious beliefs but if you have even the tiniest spark of curiosity to find out more, I can recommend this approach. It’s easy to do some online or word-of-mouth research on places of worship of your own particular religion and get an idea of the people who are part of its community.

The place I picked was made up of people like me in their 20s and 30s. This proved excellent for social life generally, not just due to the fact that I met a lovely man there with a fascinating career. We married two years later.

Fast-forward twenty years later. Post-divorce, my instinctive reaction was to blame God for what had happened, so I avoided church and socialised elsewhere. Generally at social functions, I noticed women massively outnumbered men so to correct the imbalance, I searched out social events which interested me and which had ‘QM appeal’.

Some examples of these:

A gym which ran evening social events such as wine-tastings;
A museum-day on the ‘Second Greatest Briton of all time’ (superstar Victorian engineer Isambard Kingdom Brunel);
An evening event on the story of Concorde.

My intuition proved correct. I not only enjoyed the content and learnt something new, but 90% of attendees were sociable men with plenty of QM potential.

Choose quality sites when online dating

After a certain amount of time had elapsed after my own divorce I put out experimental feelers towards online dating sites.

I tried a comparison experiment: one mass-market site, and one more niche site connected with a classy introduction agency.

The result? I had much more promising experiences with niche sites.

A tip I picked up somewhere was to be a paid member and focus on men who were paid members. From my experience these tended to be men who are taking it seriously. It suggests they are intentional about a worthwhile relationship, not tight-fisted, and not one-night-stand types.

Ask for recommendations from women of quality and investigate sites yourself.

Have good boundaries on how you will or will not be treated

You will find this will help you weed out the less quality men because they are the ones who will reject boundaries or try and make you feel you are being silly for gently but firmly holding fast to being treated with respect and consideration.

Physical boundaries

If you are looking for a serious relationship rather than a casual fling, I’d delay any physical consummation. Take your time. That will filter out a lot of men who are simply in it purely for their own gratification.

Don’t reject this as old-fashioned because: 1) the Old-Fashioned is actually a cocktail; and 2) it’s timeless advice.

It’s not just me who thinks so. It’s also the opinion of the former ‘Sex Life’ columnist of the classy GQ magazine, Kate Taylor, who wrote Not Tonight, Mr Right: Why Good Men Come to Girls Who Wai t .

How Quality Men talk about their families

One personality trait I picked up on early in my romantic history was that when a quality man talks about his family members he shows understanding and insight into their characters, as well as respect. It suggests lack of narcissism on the one hand and an emotional intelligence on the other that make for a future healthy relationship between the two of you.

It’s one more good tip in that uniquely feminine skill: QM-spotting.

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P2YL | 15. Seven more secrets for living posh when feeling poor

Wed, 28 Feb 2024 19:30:40 GMT

Disclaimer : I’m not a financial professional and this doesn’t constitute financial advice. My aim is to share suggestions of what I personally found helpful. Always use your own judgement and make your own decisions about any personal money matters.

1. UK-based? Sign up to Martin Lewis’s MoneySavingExpert.com weekly emails

I must have saved hundreds of pounds during my ‘poor but posh’ years through following some of the suggestions on household bills, banking & saving, income & budgeting to be found at www.moneysavingexpert.com , hosted by on-the-side-of-the-consumer financial journalist Martin Lewis.

Through his weekly emails I found among other deals a credit card that paid me £100 simply for using it and paying it off every month for a period of time. Plus a little-known British Gas deal that was so cost-effective it earned the admiration of an energy adviser years later.

I'm guessing there must be equivalent legitimate advice sites in other countries if you do some research.

2. Have you considered having an interest-paying current account and using a credit card for transactions instead of your bank account?

Once you’ve mastered the art of keeping your bank account always in credit, you might like to sign up to a current (checking) account that pays you interest for this accomplishment.

I did this and used a credit card instead of my bank account to pay for as many things as possible, so keeping the figure in my current account as high as possible during the month.

I scheduled Direct Debits and any regular outgoings to leave my account as late in the month as possible before I got paid.

Result: my bank paid me interest every month.

By doing this, I was effectively playing the bank at their own game. I racked up free, extra money in my account to use for those important little things in life.

Now I'm married and financially in a different position, we still do something similar: we put as many costs as possible on a credit card, keeping our current, ‘off-set mortgage’ account as high as possible until the credit bill needs to be paid, which means we’ve saved thousands of pounds in mortgage interest-charges over the years.

We watch the date our credit card bill becomes due each month like a hawk, and always pay it in good time so we never get caught out with having to pay interest charges on it.

3. ‘It’s great fun finding out what you can do without’

These were words of wisdom from my mother when I was a young adult but only later on did I learn the truth of them.

See ‘ Poor but posh ’ for how I deliberately swapped certain things out of my life to afford some ‘necessary luxuries’.

It's mentally and spiritually freeing knowing what you can get away with not having.

4. Spare bedroom? I signed up to the local theatre ‘Digs List’

This was a very handy way of regularly injecting some extra money into my finances with minimum inconvenience. Theatre people are out doing a performance in the evenings when you are in, and are in during the day when you are out at work, so you can co-exist very happily.

A theatre run in a provincial city is usually a week or five days so you don’t have enough time to get fed up with each other. At the end of the week you've earned money for doing practically nothing except the satisfaction of knowing you're supporting the arts.

Christmas pantomimes usually run for a month or so and I personally found this a wonderful way of boosting my income at an expensive time of year.

5. Do you have your own Personal Fund?

Regularly setting money aside for myself was healthy for my own sense of morale after the misery of divorce.

Your Personal Fund is something you put aside every month that builds up and is yours to dedicate to whatever you want personally: clothes, beauty treatment, special hobbies, special treats, courses, long-term aspiration.

I once used mine for a whole day's style and colour consultation to upgrade my personal appearance. Years later I'm still benefiting from what I learnt about getting the best out of clothes and colours.

Another month I used my Personal Fund for events at the London Design Museum where I enjoyed meeting people of real quality and distinction, most of whom were men.

When spending your Personal Fund, choose carefully and consciously. And occasionally, con brio !

6. Are you prioritising paying yourself — saving?

I put money into a tax-efficient savings account every month and all these years later, my husband and I still use this account as a foundation we add to for extra holiday spending-money.

7. Have you learnt how other women did it?

We can learn from savvy women of the past who faced similar money challenges and in many ways were up against an even tougher world for women.

For sheer energy, enthusiasm, and many ideas which are still practical with a little 21st century fine-turning, I rate these two which can be found online or secondhand:

Sex and the Single Girl by Helen Gurley Brown, former editor of US Cosmopolitan

Don't be misled by the title; it includes a certain word simply because HGB and her husband were media professionals and knew the notoriety would be good for sales. The book is actually about many aspects of being a single, independent woman — finding enjoyable work and performing well at it for example — and it includes a useful chapter ('Money, money, money') on making your money go as far as possible while still living a stylish, fun life.

Orchids On Your Budget, Or, Live Smartly On What You Have by Marjorie Hillis

Marjorie Willis wrote the iconic Live Alone and Like It in the 1930s for the first generation of Western women who were living independently away from home and it's still an uplifting read .

Orchids On Your Budget is the sequel, packed full of infectiously fun inspiration plus case-studies of women finding clever ways to achieve a quality life on a slim income.

Got any personal finance tips that help make the money go round?

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P2YL | 14. The £1 notebook that saved me thousands

Tue, 27 Feb 2024 20:57:25 GMT

Or, Money without tears

In P2YL | 13. ‘Poor but posh ’ I told you how I swapped out some elements in my life in order to afford ‘necessary luxuries’ which are important for your morale if you find yourself dealing with divorce or heartbreak at some point in your life.

Crucial to my ability to do this was a method of money-control that I taught myself when I was broke and in my first job. I felt a nagging sense that a grownup woman should be able to handle her money capably, which I wasn’t doing at that point.

And if I wanted to attract a partner who handled money well and wisely, I felt I should aim to be that too.

So when many years later I found myself divorced and poorer, after fourteen married years of having no money worries, I deployed my money-method again.

'Meet your new daily Wordle/Sudoku'

My method means doing a tiny bit each day. Or every other day. Sounds laborious? No, because once you've learnt it, it’s as easy and addictive as doing a daily Wordle or Sudoku.

I was never overdrawn again. It helped me combine living affordably whilst enjoying my 'necessary luxuries'.

Its gift was a sense of calm control that is the essence of inner style.

Facing the financial looking-glass

In the beginning I was a 25-year-old secretary with ideas above her stationery. I looked in the financial mirror and didn’t like what I saw.

Why was I overdrawn at the end of the month when the last time I looked at my bank balance there seemed to be enough money?

Because your bank statement is always out-of-date.

What were these ‘fees’ that kept appearing on my bank statements?

Because, as the bank smoothly informed me, every time I overspent by a penny, quick as a flash they would slap charges on every single transaction I made. Not just for a day or two. For the whole of the next three months.

I was effectively giving away my money, money that could be used to create an enjoyable and productive life.

What to do? I had always been hopeless at maths and still dread the word 'spreadsheet'.

But I tried a simple experiment and it turned my life around.

Step 1. The £1 notebook that turned my life around

I bought a pretty notebook, opened it at the first double-page spread, and neatly ruled four columns. Taking my latest bank statement, I found the total figure at the bottom of the statement. Was this what they called my 'balance'? Otherwise known as 'the bottom-line'? I felt clueless.

Anyway, I wrote that figure in the ‘Balance’ column:

That’s it.

That was all I needed to kickstart my own version of feminine financial control.

Now each time I made a banking transaction, (ie not cash purchases, only things that were going to appear on a bank or credit card statement) I wrote it down in the notebook, took it away from or added it onto the figure in the Balance column, to give me a new End Balance:

All you need to start with is a sense of the money-pattern coming and going. No stress. Just a little each day. If I missed a day out it was a simple matter to catch up.

Step 2. Financial fortune-telling

The little notebook also gave me the power to look into the future.

There were these annoying things called 'Direct Debits' or ‘monthly outgoings' that came up each month.

Previously I had only been aware of them after the money had gone from my account. Now I began to take control of them by listing them on the blank page I had left at the start of the notebook.

Then at the start of each new month once my salary had been paid, I would immediately write down the dates and amounts of any upcoming regular Direct Debits before t hey hit my account.

It looked something like this:

Step 3. Finding authentic balance

And so on with all my monthly outgoings till I reached my real balance, not the bank's version of it. I had now found an authentic figure I could rely on.

Finding real balance, authentic balance, in whatever area of life, is a step on the route to freedom, financial or otherwise.

By this method you create a protective money-buffer each month.

Never mind that the money values above are unreal. The method itself is the point: a neat and easy way of taking ownership of your money for the future.

Quite literally, ‘fortune’-telling. Then you can take that fortune-telling one step further.

Step 4. Fortune-telling +

What about the bills that weren’t handy, predictable, Direct Debits, but were going to come up as one big frightening figure at some point?

I took the fear out of them by cutting them down to bite-size pieces:

�� I asked myself, what bills are going to come up say every three months? To start with one less expensive but vital one: getting my hair cut and coloured regularly, which is one my 'necessary luxuries' as you'll know from ' Poor but posh '!

��‍♀️ If a hair appointment costs £50 and I want my hair cut four times a year, I’d think:

£50 x 4 = £200 per year in total.

£200 ÷ 12 months = about £17 per month (actually £16.66 but I can’t be bothered being too fiddly)

So at the start of each month, down that would go without fail in the notebook:

I did this month-by-month for any important future payment.

At that point in my life I didn't have a car and couldn't drive, but to this day I handle 'car expenses' including MOT, tax, insurance, yearly service, breakdown membership, like this, putting a certain money in a 'Bills Fund' account each month.

But that's for women who've reached Elite level at my money-method — link coming soon.

Can you spot the difference below?

There is no 'magic money-tree' but there is a sort of alchemy that happens if you use this method.

It was June. I went to the hairdresser for a haircut and highlights. And entered it in my notebook like this:

Did you see what happened there?

Not only did I have a chic new classic bob and a hairdresser I could pay without a thought, I was actually £1 better off than I was before.

OK only £1 but you see the inherent potential here?

Organic money-control

Some people do this with a spreadsheet but the pretty paper-notebook-and-pen method works for me and is an achievable method of money-control.

What I've shown here is just how I started. Over time and as I got better at it. I gradually finessed it while all the time keeping it plain and simple. It has enabled me to live surprisingly well on less money. I also noticed during my dating years that the men I got to know, including my future husband, have all been impressed by my ability to handle money, even if I'm not a financial whizkid and words like insurance, pensions, mortgages do my head in.

The important thing is knowing enough to get by and stay in control, and after that I'm happy to use my husband's superior financial skills for the more complicated stuff.

Most importantly of all I find it brings a sense of calm and wellbeing, knowing I have control of my money.

Effectively it is a form of power for women.

Feeling inspired? Try my bonus chapters:

�� Take it to the next level: extra money tips and tricks

Coming soon: �� Reach Elite level: the icing on the money cake

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P2YL | 13. 'Poor but posh'

Fri, 02 Feb 2024 14:16:54 GMT

Can less ever be more?

‘Poor’?

How dare I use that word when in global terms I'm essentially a privileged person living in a privileged country?

I agree. I’m using ‘poor but posh’ as shorthand for a certain way of looking at life. Although my ex-husband showed financial integrity, divorce left me a single, middle-aged woman with not exactly a high-flying career and a much lower income and prospects.

Orchids on a budget

I didn’t want a sackcloth-and-ashes life. I wanted some deliciousness along with the hard work, and, hopefully at some point, new love and lasting marriage.

‘Poor but posh’ summed this attitude up. It’s having more dash than cash. It’s creating a little brilliance on a budget. It’s exuding a certain style without personal riches because your own essence is all you need to get started.

What if I'm not good with money?

I am bad at maths. I failed every single school maths exam between the ages of 14 and 16 until I somehow managed to pass the final exam, which my mother (who was very good at maths) concluded had been a computer error in my favour. I still have a mental block at the sight of figures.

No matter. Sometime in my first real job I realised that to make the most of my slim pay-packet, it would be a useful skill to be clever about it.

So I learnt a very simple method of keeping track of my money, which kept me free of money-worries while still enabling me to have a quality of life my salary might not have suggested was possible.

Intrigued? If you’re interested I’ll explain my method later.

For now, I’ll concentrate on the posh bit.

Two questions you need to ask yourself

First of all, I asked myself: what are necessary luxuries that cost me money but make my life special? And: why?

I make no apologies for ‘Decent haircut & colour’ at the head of the list. If you’ve had as many bad past haircuts as I’ve had (‘With a haircut like that, who needs a crash helmet?’) you’d realise how a good one can change your life.

What's on your 'necessary luxuries' list?

That was my mental list. Yours will be tailored to what’s important to you as an individual and is something you may already know instinctively or maybe need to search inside to get it to reveal itself.

Then, in order to afford these things, I asked myself:

What things can I free myself from and so free up cash?

Here are a few ideas I had, by no means all, of areas I could spend less in, in order to be able to splurge elsewhere.

Next time:

'maths-without-tears' to stay in total control of what money I had
upping my income: things I would and wouldn't do for extra money
the one weekly email from a money man that made a big difference

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P2YL | 12. Job vs career?

Sat, 20 Jan 2024 16:01:08 GMT

On post-divorce money worries

The situation I was in

Suddenly being confronted with divorce after 14 years of marriage feels a bit like having run the Grand National years ago, and then being told years later that the whole race has been declared null and void, and you have to run it all over again.

Only this time you’re older and tireder and there is a whole new generation coming up fast behind you.

When it happened to me, I felt fear. I felt as though I were facing a lonely and impoverished future.

First things first: how was I going to survive financially?

A quick stock-take

I worried that I wasn’t a ‘careerwoman’. Before marriage I had worked in the publishing industry and library world neither of which at my level was well-paid.

After marriage I worked part-time because it was important to me to have time and energy for my own writing, home, and community. The micro-aggressions of business life weren’t my cup of tea.

This is why I’ve been so heartened to see women like Alena Kate Pettitt speaking up for the time-honoured role of housewife and homemaker.

For me this was no longer an option. I needed to go back to full-time paid work. Initially I wondered if I should train for a more highly paid career. If I was on my own with no other source of income, surely this made sense? But I guessed this would probably mean extra-long, stressful, working days leaving me with no heart for a life outside work.

I foresaw that being able to function outside work was going to be crucial for me as a newly single woman. So I decided I would opt for less money with less stress and more time and energy.

The actions I took

I started by looking at my past work experience as future possibilities, trying to visualise what sort of life the world of publishing or libraries might give me. Publishing for me had meant spending all day sitting over a desk with my head buried in a set of page-proofs. Librarianship on the other hand is all about people, interacting with people to connect them with books. I suspected this held more promise.

But I knew I would need a professional qualification to improve my chances in the jobs market which is how I came to apply for a course in library and information studies in London.

The experience

I went to London in a spirit of pessimism but to my surprise this step heralded a definite shift in my recovery. New surroundings, new contacts, a brain being stimulated by new study, all helped begin the process of leaving the past behind.

It had its tough moments to begin with. Sometimes tears felt very near the surface due to the underlying ache of loss. I managed to dry the tears and hang on to the belief that I was building a new life for myself, life would get better, and when the time was right, love would come again.

How things turned out

I completed the course and went back home to Oxford which fortunately is a place with lots of libraries. Having the qualification helped get me interviews and though there were plenty of rejections, a proportion led to jobs in university libraries. I found educational libraries to be stimulating and fun environments with bright young students, humorous staff, and academics I admired.

I was also lucky that this was the time the internet and social media were beginning to take off which made it easier for me to find social events with like-minded people. I am so grateful to be a woman alive in the Age of the Internet.

Today I’m glad I followed my instinct and didn’t go all-out for money. For me this approach worked. If my career didn’t lead to material riches it did lead to work I could enjoy and a level of responsibility I could cope with, plenty of people-contact, and enough time and energy to enjoy a refreshing social life and the first steps back into dating.

And in time I met that someone special to whom I’m now married.

Life now?

I’ve gradually reduced my outside hours so that I combine part-time library work with my own writing and home-life. My husband works from home with frequent business trips in Europe so that we get to spend both time as a couple and time as individuals who bring something fresh to the marriage.

I am in a place that feels like home and I’m deeply grateful for it.

Yes, but…

Of course the big question is, if you decide not to have a loadsamoney career, how can you also organise your finances so that you can go out, socialise, pay for clothes or haircuts or beauty treatments, and not break the bank?

I’ll come onto that next time in ‘ Poor but posh ’!

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P2YL | 11. Project YOU

Mon, 08 Jan 2024 20:22:17 GMT

The year I decided to redesign my life

One January day long ago it became clear my previously happy life was going to change irrevocably because my husband who had moved out months ago to live with someone else made it clear he was never coming back.

In the middle of grief and shock I remembered some words a wise older Irishwoman had whispered to me years ago:

‘I know we shouldn’t generalise, but…you do realise, don’t you...that women are the stronger sex?’

She said it with the air of someone passing on an important secret it was vital for me to know and she made sure no one else could overhear us, especially any men.

As that New Year began – the year of having to reimagine my life, the Year of Operation Me – I hugged these words to myself like a shield. I’m passing it on to you, my metaphorical sisters, in your own year’s journey.

So what follows is a series of fortnightly posts on what specific actions I took about different areas of my life that needed to change if I was going to:

survive, and
thrive.

Plus the thinking behind the actions I took. A sort of strategy for the way forward.

What worked? What didn't? What did I learn? How has it all turned out?

Will my experiences help, support, encourage, inform others who can relate to this?

Areas in which I developed, refreshed, and reinvented myself, and what I'll be covering

��‍�� Job or career?

��Career: ladder or lattice?

�� The ‘Poor but posh’ lifestyle

��‍️ Self-enhancement

�� A new social life

��Quality dating

⚭ Committed love & marriage (if you so choose)

�� Personal pep-talks

�� Working towards a long-term vision of your life

In the meantime find ideas for comfort in whatever challenges you face by clicking on previous posts: Distraction , Escape and Water as therapy

��

Book review | Fearless, by Trinny Woodall

Mon, 08 Jan 2024 17:15:18 GMT

By Trinny Woodall | Published by HQ

I've been collecting books on dress and style since the mid-80s, and thanks to my love of retro, I've managed to find books dating back further, giving advice to women on clothes and beauty from the late 1800s onwards.

Here's one such shelf of my collection:

Latest entrant in this category is British beauty businesswoman and makeover expert Trinny Woodall's glossy looks-cum-lifestyle manual, Fearless. If Fearless seems an odd title for a book on clothes and makeup that's because Trinny sees both as a form of armour for women in their interactions with the world.

It's a detailed book covering much more than the purely physical and I tended to pass over the chapters on 'The art of letting go' and 'The wonders of meditation.' There's a good early section identifying the physical factors that go to make up your facial appearance. Trinny has defined 29 different skin tones, 18 hair colours, and 14 eye colours. Having had my 'colours done' via House of Colour when I was 'reinventing' myself after midlife divorce, I wasn't immediately taken by the colours suggested for me as 'Cool/Neutral' (or am I a 'Neutral'?) and felt lost trying to find my way through the 135 suggested lip colours for all types.

It's high maintenance stuff. 'Skin essentials' include Cleanser, Exfoliating Acid, Vitamin C Serum, Retinoid Serum, Moisturiser, and SPF 30 or 50. I have to admit the last one is the only one I put on religiously day after day, and to me it fulfils the function of a moisturiser too.

If you're really dedicated you can also try out the suggestions on 'Vocal Facial Massage', 'Gua Shua', and 'Micro-needling.' Not to mention 'Tweakments' of varying degrees of invasiveness.

For me the section on clothes was the most helpful, as although I've been interested in clothes for a long time, my body is considerably different now from how it was when I was 22, and so the necklines and styles which might have enhanced me then are always open to evolution and reevaluation. The Trinny and Susannah books used to include the names of retailers supplying the featured clothes but that didn't appear here. Instead was a list of mental health and addiction-aid charities.

Author: Trinny Woodall

Publisher: HQ

Format: ebook. ISBN: 9780008605445

Format: Hardback. ISBN: 9780008605438

P2YL | 10. Six good things about bad Christmases

Thu, 21 Dec 2023 15:34:09 GMT

I wonder how you’re feeling right now?

Not everyone is looking forward to the holiday season. Sometimes it feels more like a dark mass on the horizon, waiting to be navigated.

I’ve had my share of bad Christmases in the past and so, ahead of the upcoming holidays, I wanted to pass on some good things even when it’s bad.

Remember: it's just one day, not a life sentence

If you’re slightly dreading Christmas, remember the phrase, ‘Time and the hour runs through the longest day.’

When I’ve faced a day that feels like it’s going to be a struggle, this saying is a definite consolation because Time is quietly inexorable and can work in your favour.

Dare I suggest wine...?

Now I’m not encouraging you to over-drink or over-anything come to think of it, but wine definitely has its qualities.

I was brought up in a family of fanatical non-drinkers but I can remember one Christmas as a teenager being allowed a glass of sherry with my Christmas dinner.

It mellowed my teenage hypercritical viewpoint so that I found my family much easier to accept and bear with. I saw how properly used it could be an aid to sociability.

‘Wine maketh glad the heart of man,’ as it says in the Good Book, and if it’s good enough for JC…?

Annoying relatives

If I had this situation to deal with for a day, I would imagine to myself that they were a charity case I'd been asked to host for Care in the Community and out of the kindness of my magnanimous heart. I find that, in the nicest possible way, reframing it like this gives you the upper hand psychologically. The person you are being nice to will be charmed, and you will be warmed by the inward glow of your own altruism.

Mentally break the day up into short periods

Don’t see Christmas Day as a long stretch of desert to be navigated but as merely a series of chopped-up bits. At the end of each sector you can mentally tick it off as Finished/Done/Over. It's heartening to congratulate yourself on progress made and realise there is less to go.

Dealing with social media

I’ve found social media can be a useful servant over public holidays provided you avoid it on the day itself. Don't scroll and wring your heart thinking what a great time other people *seem* to be having.

I remember feeling alone and rejected after being ditched by my spouse and with no significant other on the horizon, but I could still present myself as an upbeat and likeable person on social media.

This is a good message for other scrollers to pick up on, and heartening for myself to focus on this image of myself instead of poor abandoned Katrina.

I am introverted, tend to be lazy and prefer cats to dogs but reckoned that posting photos of myself taken out for a wintry walk with dog-owning family members at least introduced an air of activity, fresh air, and sociability.

By including a few photos like this you’re showing you can get out and about, smile, presumably are kind to animals, and appreciate the beautiful and interesting place that is lucky enough to have you in it. All good traits appreciated by others.

One year during the run-up to New Year’s Eve I wrote, ‘Still feeling a bit lonely, and an outsider. Nowhere to go on New Year’s Eve.’

On that occasion I dealt with the issue by making my own plans with family who probably felt they couldn’t turn me down and for which I’ll always be grateful.

It kept me busy, generated quietly sociable Facebook photos, and passed time which might otherwise have been spent in feeling sorry for myself.

I know some people detest it but I found social media beneficial to someone in my circumstances. I’ve mostly kept my Facebook profile set to ‘Public’ and have had more than one interested party (including one who later became my husband) meet me in person and then check me out on FB and decided they liked what they saw.

Giving the world this reminder that you are a cheerful person willing to engage with others will benefit you in the short and long run.

Make use of Betwixmas

Although not a fan of New Year’s Eve, I enjoy that pause between Christmas and New Year (Betwixmas) because it is usually a quiet, often work-free time-period in which to do a gentle stock-take of where you want to go from here. Also use it for rest and recuperation.

The Christmas I realised my husband had most likely left me forever, I wrote, ‘I realise I have a lot of changing and developing to do.’

Then, once that step was admitted, I found I was beginning to consider my options, writing them down as ‘Plan A’ and ‘Plan B’. Just seeing them in black-on-white in my own handwriting on a page gave me a feeling of agency, or being capable enough to cope with them.

Gradually I was ‘feeling a bit more upbeat about the future and life in general.’

And I clung onto these words:

‘I tell myself it will take time, but it will come right. One day I will be able to say to myself, “At long last — it has begun.”’

It did take time and much was to happen in between, but it did happen, and no doubt in time it will for you too.

��

P2YL SPECIAL: What to do after dating disappointment

katrina.robinson1@outlook.com (Katrina Robinson) — Tue, 19 Dec 2023 14:45:44 GMT

'The minute I saw his face I knew he was going to split up with me'

I was so looking forward to my date that evening.

Over the past few weeks we had spent some enjoyable times together. We shared the same worldview and had bonded over our separate experiences of going through unwanted divorces. People were starting to treat us as ‘a couple’.

But the minute I saw his face I knew he was going to split up with me, and he did. It had been a shortish relationship yet the disappointment I felt was real.

But I learned you can do yourself a massive favour at this point by accepting that disappointments are a natural part of life, including your date-life, and then turn them into something that actually helps you.

S ee more at

P2YL Special: 5 simple tips for dating after disappointment

Book review | China Court: The Hours of a Country House

Tue, 12 Dec 2023 17:43:33 GMT

By Rumer Godden | Published by Manderley Press

Within the space of a day, an old Cornish house known as China Court goes through a family death, an inheritance, and a last-minute wedding, all against a shifting backdrop of stories of the previous five generations of its inhabitants.

Originally published in 1960 and now reissued in a delectable Manderley Press edition, it's a novel steeped in a lost past. Shaped by a medieval ‘Book of Hours’ after which the chapters are named ('Prime' is the first hour of the day and 'Compline' is the hour before sleep), only gradually do we discover the special secret significance of this book within a book.

Rumer Godden was a writer of bewitching readability: characters emerge through their own speech, giving you the uncanny feeling you are eavesdropping on individual household members: Ripsie, Lady Patrick, Borowis, Little Eustace, Damaris. (Why do upper-class people have such strange names, I asked myself?)

She combines warmth with an unflinching awareness of human weaknesses and the unfolding human drama caused by this never stops surprising, right down to the final pages which retain the power to shock, perhaps especially so for today's reader.

Manderley Press produces books which are as beautiful to look at as to read and China Court is no exception: blue-and-white like Cornishware, elegantly typeset, sturdily hardback, but still compact and light enough to fit in a handbag.

For me, this review book is a keeper and I can see it as a perfect present for lovers of Daphne du Maurier's novels (particularly with the Cornish link), or Elizabeth Jane Howard's Cazalet Chronicles.

Link to the book ⬇️

Author: Rumer Godden

Imprint: Manderley Press

ISBN: 978-1-9196421-5-4 hardback

P2YL | 9. The heroine with a thousand faces

Fri, 08 Dec 2023 16:56:10 GMT

In the past when I’ve been going through hard times, I’ve had the almost physical sensation of any self-confidence I ever had wilting because of the pressure to be a ‘strong woman’.

I am not like the women you see in TV dramas. You know, the kick-boxing leader-figure sarcastically showing male colleagues how incompetent they are. The Girl Boss. The gobby bad[ bleep! ] taking no [ bleep!] from no [ bleep! ]ing one.

Loud. Domineering. Sometimes what can only be described as bullying.

What if I’m a woman who sees herself as not pushy, not extrovert, not a leader, not a super-achiever, but quieter, more of an onlooker, easily bruised?

Who sometimes struggles with bouts of depression or anxiety?

Who can’t honestly say she feels she's 100% successful?

Where the ‘strong woman’ trope gets it wrong

Now that I look back on the past with the perspective of time and experience, it’s a blessing to realise the ‘strong woman’ trope is actually hopelessly reductive.

I’ve gradually realised there is such a thing as gentle strength and we can tap into it.

So my ears swivelled round like our cat's when I heard Irish singer-songwriter Dani Larkin talking about her album, Notes From a Maiden Warrior .

The Notes are her songs. The Maiden Warrior is herself.

Why this status, what does it mean, and why does it resonate with me?

Maiden Warrior vs. ‘Strong Woman’

In Irish Celtic mythology, Maiden is the first aspect of womanhood or femininity. It is also one of the three traditional Jungian female archetypes: Maiden, Mother, Matriarch.

Warrior refers to the fact Dani is from the province of Ulster which she explains is the warrior province within the island of Ireland.

She feels rooted in that warrior sense but not in a way you might think. She says:

‘Not in that particularly masculine or violent way [as] we currently understand it, but the wildness and resilience and strength we find within femininity.’

‘The resilience and strength we find within femininity’

'Find' in this context means to me that sometimes it actually takes effort to take hold of this inner, hidden strength. It’s been my experience that when I’m feeling overwhelmed by what’s happening to me and unable to cope, if I consciously make an effort to focus on that 5% within me that has faith I will come through this, a seed of strength starts to germinate.

The 5%, doubled-down on, becomes 10%.

The 10% worked on and nurtured gradually becomes 30%, and suddenly already your strength has got you nearly a third of the way through the dark tunnel of fear and doubt.

That’s not far off halfway is it? Suddenly you realise you can do it. You are doing it.

‘Time and persistence: that’s all it takes’

This quote from The Shawshank Redemption — ‘Time and persistence. That’s all it takes' — was what I told myself over and over again during the ten years when I was divorced and dating and not living the life I wanted.

I also love the fact that Dani uses the word ‘femininity’ which is so often a term clouded in a miasma of pink and frilly Disney Princessiness. The Barbification of womanhood.

Dani who is a graduate of history and sociology and has a Master’s degree in International Conflict and Cooperation, uses her ‘feminine warriorhood’ not in the masculine way referred to above but in building peace.

Conflict de-escalation rather than Kickboxing, Bad*** Girl Boss Girl Power Attitood.

The truth is, a woman may be showing her strength every day of her life not by a performative display of heroics but by simply going out and facing the world to the best of her ability.

You don't have to kick ass to have feminine strength.

You can decide to be a heroine rather than a hero.

The heroine has a thousand faces and a thousand names and both of them are yours.

��

P2YL | 8. Is there such a thing as 'The One'?

Sat, 25 Nov 2023 12:07:33 GMT

There is one question which crops up regularly about love, relationships, and marriage.

‘Do you think “The One” exists?’

‘Well…I do know “A One” exists. And that’s even better.’

The difference?

I’ve had my experience of meeting The One. It happened one summer morning in a way that felt like, er, divine guidance. Don’t laugh. You can read about it here .

For the purposes of stats, we were together for sixteen years, married for fourteen, but towards the end of that time my husband began an affair with another married woman, and left me to marry her.

So was ‘The One’ a myth?

I’ve written elsewhere of the devastating sense of betrayal and abandonment you get when the husband or wife you married in good faith as 'The One' opts out.

That wise-woman of the human soul, author Dorothy Whipple, describes the feeling of utter incredulity, in Someone At A Distance :

'The man who had knelt beside her bed, that night their first child had been born,

he couldn't be doing this to her, could he?

'Could he?'

But perhaps an even bigger disillusionment took place in all that I had previously believed about relationships, listening to one’s intuition, and the idea of any sense of guidance or destiny.

Was ‘The One’ a myth?

Even now, I don’t actually think so. I’m a bit religious and I know what people mean when they get a strong sense that God or Fate or Destiny or whatever you want to call it is playing some part.

But life and human nature being what it is, even with The One, you or they can still be tempted away or bored or irritated or not feel like working through issues or going off with someone else at some stage in your life together.

‘The One’ can feel idyllic, but isn't a guarantee.

My firm belief is that this doesn't mean there is only one person on the planet meant for you and otherwise you will be on your own.

'A One'

Instead I believe in something even better.

A One.

That’s all it takes: one person who is committed to you and you to them. I met my lovely second husband in midlife and got married in my fifties. And we didn’t meet in any particularly magical way. Both divorced, each of us hoped to love and marry again someday, so we prioritised the search. Joined groups. Socialised. Made an effort. Dated. Worked on ourselves. For a number of years. Persevere and persist and it will happen.

And having a cherished partner by your side supporting you through life's challenges is a huge blessing. It's important not to constantly think there is always going to be someone more perfect out there.

So this is how I define The One these days.

It’s The One you commit to and who commits to you.

New Title

New Paragraph

Book review | Tenterhooks

Tue, 14 Nov 2023 17:38:05 GMT

By Ada Leverson | Published by Michael Walmer

This delicious book does exactly what it says on the cover: it kept me teasingly and expertly on tenterhooks until practically the final paragraph of the last page.

Edith and Bruce Ottley are a married couple of the leisured Edwardian London upper class with domestic servants and numerous social occasions which unfortunately sometimes lead to attractions between people who happen to be married to other people.

Will Edith succumb to the charms of a handsome young widower, and will Bruce be able resist a dalliance with the children’s governess?

In the words of Helen Taylor, Leverson’s novels are ‘feather light, dialogue-packed and often tongue-in-cheek’ and the author bears comparison to Jane Austen, sensitive to the underlying motives behind human behaviour, with an instinctive knowledge of the society in which she moved.

With the Apple TV+ screening of Edith Wharton’s The Buccaneers — six young American heiresses storm 1870s London in the hope of marrying English 'Dooks' as Consuelo Vanderbilt did with 'The Dook of Marlborough' — it seems to me Ada Leverson’s works are pitch-perfect for dramatising. The sharpness of her wit will appeal to lovers of top-class observational humour, and there are enough bustles and frou-frou to please the Bridgerton crowd.

The author herself (1862–1933) was a loyal friend of Oscar Wilde and is surely due for popular recognition in her own right as the writer of six sparklingly witty novels of — if you happen to be rich — a golden world that has disappeared forever.

Author: Ada Leverson

Imprint: Michael Walmer

ISBN: 978-0-6485905-4-5 paperback

P2YL | 7. You are the gatekeeper

katrina.robinson1@outlook.com (Katrina Robinson) — Fri, 10 Nov 2023 20:10:16 GMT

Have you ever gone through a difficult time in life which felt as though you were clinging to a lifeboat? A bit like I did ?

What did you do? How did you escape?

Escape begins in the head

Escape for me begins with a mental attitude. I told myself firmly that, even if I couldn’t see it, dry land did exist. Maybe it was hidden by fog, but it was there.

The next step was to believe there might be people on shore who could help me because they might have once been in the same boat and had made it to dry land. So I (metaphorically) stood up and yelled out to them.

In practical terms this means I cast around in my memory for women I respected, some of whom had gone through divorce, and made contact with them.

Two women who had been through divorce were not only helpful and kind but exhibited a quiet dignity and self-possession from which I could draw strength. They shared sane advice. Both had established new lives and gone on to new marriages with good partners.

Confiding in these women did me a world of good.

The third woman nearly did me a world of bad.

She had 'always known our marriage would be a disaster'

She was one half of a deeply religious couple who had befriended my husband a few years before we met. A dominant personality, she managed chronic ill-health with an upbeat bravery I admired. She came across as positive about us as a couple and played an active part on the day of our wedding.

Only one aspect struck a strange note. She was involved in 'deliverance ministry' and firmly believed in occult forces all around us. She would casually mention in conversation that she had sensed 'a dark Presence' passing through the walls of a B&B she had stayed in or that she had witnessed demon eyes staring at her through some french windows at night. Aside from this, she came across as cultured and warm and I looked up to her.

I was in for one of the shocks of my life.

When I emailed her and told her what had happened, she replied she had 'always known' our marriage would be 'a disaster'.

She thought my husband 'very sexy’, had been much better before he knew me, and she was 'appalled' when she saw us together.

As I read, I almost stopped breathing. It was like being physically beaten up. Hurt and confused, I shared the letter with a couple of wise friends I trusted who knew both my husband and me. We were able to dismiss it as the ramblings of someone very wide of the mark and filed it vertically in the bin.

You have a choice regarding other people’s judgements

But through this experience I learnt an important life-lesson which has ultimately paid off. My confidants urged me not to allow her words headspace. Perhaps for the first time in my life I realised fully that I had a choice regarding other people’s judgements. I can listen but I will use my own sense and discretion as to what I take on board. I will firmly and emphatically shut the gate on the harmful and hurtful.

So, strange to say, I'm actually grateful to this woman for unintentionally teaching me to reject dross and malice.

I — you — own this power. It is our birthright and we can exercise it whenever we choose.

Wonder if any people in your life have surprised you by their good or bad reactions?

And if so, how did you handle it?

��

Book review | Normal Women: 900 Years of Women Making History

Sat, 28 Oct 2023 16:29:54 GMT

By Philippa Gregory | Published by William Collins

Sometimes it's only when a book suddenly appears that you realise it's a book you’ve always wished someone would write. Philippa Gregory’s Normal Women: 900 Years of Making History is one such book.

The author is already the bestselling novelist of English historical fiction whose works have been made into successful BBC dramas and Hollywood films, including her 2001 novel of the Tudor dynasty, The Other Boleyn Girl which starred Natalie Portman and Scarlett Johansen . Despite its eponymous title, the novel strikes at least one blow for all ‘normal women’ rather than the Anne Boleyns of the world:

‘Katharine was speaking out for the women of the country, for the good wives who should not be put aside

just because their husbands had taken a fancy to another. For the women who deserved more than their husband’s whim.’

Normal Women reiterates the historic realisation that ‘every woman felt the lack of respect for women’ and focuses on these 'women of the country' , our Anglo-Saxon or Jacobean or Victorian or 20 ^th century sisters. Although the rich and celebrated are included, more often the heroines are the full spectrum of ‘normal women’ and the roles they undertook: wives, nuns, tradeswomen, moneylenders, spinsters, bakers, bookkeepers, mothers, suffragists.

Scanning Normal Women you realise women’s autonomy hasn’t been a constantly rising line on a graph but has fluctuated, reflected in women's rights being effectively curtailed after 1066 and hinted at through chapter titles such as ‘Women Rising’ giving way to ‘Becoming a Weaker Vessel’.

This makes me uncomfortably aware of the possibility of women’s rights being incrementally taken away from them.

The last chapter ‘Women Today 1945—1994’ features a grim, pages-long list of Englishwomen killed in their own homes during one recent year, 2019, usually by their male partners. ‘Women Endangered’ is the sobering subtitle of this section. This final chapter also reaches contemporary times with April Ashley (originally christened George) and Caroline Cossey, born with XXXY syndrome, who both underwent gender reassignment surgery and registered as women.

The whole book is an absorbing read and being a woman of faith, I'm exhilarated by the author's decision to conclude with the 1994 ordination of women priests in the Church of England finally showing, as she says, beyond all doubt, that ‘normal women are divine.’

'Normal women are divine'

Author: Philippa Gregory

Imprint: WilliamCollinsBooks.com

Published: 26 October 2023

Pages: 688

ISBN: 978-0-00-860170-6

P2YL | 6. Ways to find comfort: Why water is therapy

Fri, 27 Oct 2023 17:43:30 GMT

Numb with the shock of events those first few months after my husband told me he was having an affair and leaving me, I looked around for something that could help my shattered self. From somewhere came the idea of learning to swim. Perhaps it was in a spirit of compromise with my sporty husband. Perhaps it was an attempt to make time pass through giving myself a short-term goal. Wherever the idea came from, I discovered, even as someone who couldn’t swim and was slightly scared of it, water is a healing medium.

Not just the fact of one-to-one learning with a kind and smiley coach in a warm, uncrowded pool but through regularly making use of the pool's sauna, steam-room, and whirlpool.

I felt like a Roman lady going through the ritual bathing stages of the apodyterium — tepidarium — caldarium — frigidarium . I would swim a few lengths, then sit in the dry heat of the sauna. A few more lengths. Then the steam-room with its lavender or eucalyptus-scented air. The warmth, the quiet, the not having to do anything for a while brought on a state of calm. Swim again. Finally the whirlpool where the foaming water unknotted any muscle tension. The combination of water in many forms was pleasantly tiring, calming, and head- and sinus-clearing.

Suddenly it clicked why the Finns, who regularly top international surveys on the most contented nation on earth, see saunas as essential.

Water therapy for the more advanced

If all this sounds a bit girly, a Scottish male friend I talked to revealed his own version of water therapy:

Though you’d need to check with a GP before trying anything like this.

‘May I recommend a cold bath accompanied by three minutes of up-tempo music, followed by a hot shower whilst sitting or standing in the same cold bath?’

‘You can recommend it,’ I answered, ‘but I can’t promise to try it.’ To me it sounded like some form of punishment but judging by the people I know who literally appear to glow and put it down to a cold morning dip on a beach, he’s right.

‘Seriously,’ he went on, ‘it helps with physical and emotional pain. Anecdotally it builds your immune system, which is why I started doing it. You get a massive endorphin hit by getting out of the cold water and this is made more immediate by having a hot shower. And it’s basically free (except for the hot water). What's not to like?’

I have never tried it but I’m confident in its energising effects. Someone else described its effect as ‘making you feel you can do anything, conquer anything! And you carry that feeling with you for the rest of the day.’

My water therapy was more tranquil but I had discovered something I didn’t know existed.

What it did for me

From my diary of the time:

‘Learning to swim. Two lessons a week. I go into the lovely café afterwards, have a cup of tea and apple, read the newspapers, and feel oddly comforted. An enjoyable day even in the middle of heartache and uncertainty.’

Today I would call this finding and sheltering in the eye of the storm. I discovered that even going through an emotional desert, there are oases scattered around for us like this that help get us through.

In your life, what oases are within your reach?

P2YL | 5. Ways to find comfort: Escape

katrina.robinson1@outlook.com (Katrina Robinson) — Fri, 13 Oct 2023 07:48:21 GMT

I am a booklover so it was natural for me to find that books were my allies in rough times.

Later, when I was stronger, they provided catharsis and practical ideas for a way forward.

That’s just me. Entering into the world of a book gives me a break from harsh reality. What I get from reading, you personally might find you get from films or music or drama or something else entirely. Some healthy form of temporary escape. The emotional pressure is relaxed and, mysteriously, some inner strength begins to build so you find you can cope with and work through any reality.

The books I turn to at times like this tend to be retro and nostalgic. I bless the day I came across Persephone Books, which rediscovers and republishes ‘forgotten’ books by and about (mainly) mid-twentieth century women. Superficially, these books might appear to be about the past but read them and you discover they are timeless.

You realise there is no problem you face that some other woman at a much harder time in history has not faced before you. It’s as though a tunnel through the rockface that's blocking your way has already been begun by some earlier woman's efforts. In some mystical way, this helps you. Take confidence that you too will make it through into the daylight.

I also have a theory that nostalgic and retro books evoke comfort because their stories are safely in the past and act as a reminder that one day my pain will be in the past too.

Images courtesy of Art UK

There is something irresistible about the women I found in these books, with their retro fashions and their shopping baskets and powder compacts and stiff upper lips, who mostly didn’t have to juggle some of today’s life facets. The viciousness of the career world. The pressure to live up to the girl boss/’be a strong woman’/kickass meme. The harder side of liberation.

I admit I’m looking at the past through rose-tinted lenses here, but it’s common sense to wear sunglasses when the light is too glaring. As a woman I have always been glad I’m alive now rather than then, but it acts like a balm to escape into the lives of these women for a while.

Of special significance amongst Persephone books is Someone At A Distance by the prolific novelist Dorothy Whipple, who told a story very much like the one I was undergoing, and whose wisdom and perception touched me. When I could not see my own way forward and felt at the mercy of forces I had no control over, one particular paragraph helped:

‘She had learnt to wait for the changes and the help that life brings. Life is like the sea, sometimes you are in the trough of the wave, sometimes on the crest. When you are in the trough, you wait for the crest, and always, trough or crest, a mysterious tide bears you forward to an unseen, but certain shore.’

Since then I’ve discovered other favourite publishers who specialise in discovering and republishing beloved books from the past, such as Handheld

Press, Dean Street Press, and Turnpike Books.

Whatever has happened in the past these books and authors have resurfaced, and so will you.

For the very worst times, for the nights, for insomnia, when my anxiety was too great to concentrate on lines of print there was Celia Haddon’s The Yearbook of Comfort and Joy , a collection she kept to see her through her own dark time, snippets of reassurance combined with her collection of cosy rural Victoriana.

I was also soothed by The Fireside Book of David Hope (see The Varnished Culture for the retro appeal of this series). My favourite year in this series was dated 1972. Out-of-print, but easy to find in an internet-enabled world. Its idealised picturescapes and short poems gave me something to immerse myself in when longer reading was beyond me. I just entered into the balm of a cosy, comforting, beautiful picture, felt myself drawn into its reassuring world, was lapped around by it, partook of its calm.

‘A mysterious tide bears you forward to an unseen, but certain shore.’

What have you found that comforts you? Let's talk about it in the Comments section below.

P2YL | 4. Ways to find comfort: Distraction

Fri, 29 Sep 2023 17:34:45 GMT

Still painfully alive, but with open wounds and in deep shock. Greyness above you, greyness below. And bitterly, bitterly, bone-clenchingly cold.

At this stage you need the metaphorical equivalent of respite. You need to find comfort and a way to let the wounds begin their natural healing process, because yes, be comforted that the silent, hidden work of healing will begin whether or not you do anything conscious about it. But there are things you can do to help the process.

For now, the best thing is not too much violent action and lashing out. Save your energy. Just hold on. Then gradually, gradually, inch yourself into a lifeboat, and rest.

When my own personal unthinkable misery happened many years ago I kept diaries into which I poured all that rage and despair. For years I could not bear to read them, but now they give me vital clues on how to survive the trauma so at some stage you emerge from it and can regroup your forces.

1. Find activities that soothe and distract

What to do with those endless hours when your mind continues to churn over its misery like a rat caught in a maze?

I recommend distraction as a powerful balm.

People are wired so differently. I recently asked around for other people’s ideas of soothing activities that helped them melt away the hardest times in their lives.

I found an interesting division between what helped women and what helped men but in the end it doesn’t matter, there is plenty of overlap between us as humans.

You can often guess instinctively what might work for you as a self-soother and in keeping an open mind, you discover new possibilities of finding calm.

Activities which others found helpful include:

o Jam and marmalade-making.
o Gardening.
o Cycling, then a bit more cycling, then even more cycling.
o Watching or listening to really good comedy.
o Colouring or any form of art.
o Crosswords, cryptic or otherwise.
o Absorbing myself in nature by going out for a walk and stopping to examine a leaf, a flower, a tree in detail.
o Walking as fast as I can up a steep hill to be rewarded at the top by a spectacular view.
o Putting together an intricate j igsaw puzzle of something beautiful so I can see it forming in front of me, piece by piece.

I am so grateful that there are so many ways of finding respite from painful feelings. Even if they are not magical solutions, they give us relief, help us regather our strength, and cope.

�� Are there any soothing activities you can recommend? ��

I'd love to hear them if so because I think the more tools in our armoury, the better.

Part 2 Of Your Love Life | This is what happened to me (3)

katrina.robinson1@outlook.com (Katrina Robinson) — Fri, 15 Sep 2023 07:56:08 GMT

Yes, my former husband may recall things completely differently. But this is genuinely how it seemed — and still seems — to me

***

Should I have been suspicious when my husband asked if I would mind if he left his wedding ring at home whenever he went sailing, in case he lost it overboard?

I trusted him completely. Right from day one in our engagement and marriage, he had told me when women (and the occasional man) had come on to him. Sometimes they left him notes in his pigeonhole at work which he showed me. I saw no reason to doubt his honesty now.

His work-patterns plus sailing meant getting to church regularly, or any sort of contact with people who shared what had been our moral compass, gradually dropped out of his life. His faith seemed to become more nominal than actual, though sometimes I sensed a struggle going on to re-connect. Whenever we were with church friends it was as though he put up a barrier to prevent anything other than superficial chitchat.

‘For the first time I feel lonely in my marriage,’ I confessed to my diary.

When you are No.1 in someone’s life, and then suddenly you aren’t,

believe me, you know

The issue wasn’t that his work involved him regularly being away from home. I was used to his work pattern. I knew and supported his love of sailing. This was something subtly different: ‘I can accept him being away so much if he is loving and attentive when he’s home,’ I wrote, ‘but at the moment he isn’t. He is distant and cold.’

When you are No.1 in someone’s life, and then suddenly you aren’t, believe me, you know. Yet I had complete trust in his basic faithfulness to me and our marriage, throughout the ups and downs of whatever life might throw at us.

When I asked him what was the matter he told me all his energy was being consumed by his new promotion at work. I thought he was going through a rough patch, and that the most loving thing I could do for my husband was to give him time and space to find peace with himself again.

I tried to be patient and understanding but the strain took its toll on me and I wrote in my diary of a bad atmosphere when a wider family bereavement happened and he said I wasn’t being ‘upset enough’. I realise his family probably found me too shy to be a good mixer — although they were unfailingly kind — and being English among mostly Irish people, perhaps I came across as standoffish. I feel a sense of regret I was unable to better overcome my shyness and my tendency to defensiveness. And of course I have a thousand human flaws.

I took comfort in the words of Madeleine L’Engle, who wrote during her forty-year marriage to actor Hugh Franklin: ‘[Our marriage] is much more quiet and I think that is the way it will have to go on growing.’

Perhaps this was how marriages matured, I speculated, growing into less intensity but still nourished by underground roots?

There seemed no shortage of other couples we knew with separate interests but it didn’t undermine their love for each other. I didn’t believe my husband would cheat on me for an instant, but I felt him turning away from me.

Live — laugh — love — leave?

There was inexplicable behaviour I couldn’t account for. When I said I’d love to visit his shared yacht on the south coast of England, he put me off and changed the subject. When I drove him into town one night to meet up with some sailing pals who were passing through, and I asked to come in and say hello to them too, he seemed to panic and said no, though he couldn’t come up with a viable reason.

It was only later I found out what was going on. An affair, of course. With a married woman in the same profession he had met at his sailing club. I guess the night he said no to me meeting his pals he had thought it would be beyond awkward if his sailing friends who knew about his relationship had to meet the eyes of and talk to his wife. Perhaps his lover was there too. I shall never know.

When the truth did come out — when he confessed after I finally lost patience and demanded he tell me what was really going on — he sobbed as he told me. I could see his actions were causing him to go through torture. He said briefly he had been unhappy 'for a while and this culminated in an affair’. I think he even used the word ‘adulterous’ at one point.

After he had confessed to me, I actually managed a tiny, tearful, fragile smile. ‘How can you smile at a time like this?’ he cried, incredulous. ‘Because now you’ve been honest, we can put this behind us and move on,’ I said.

Wrong. At the root of my words was the belief that both of us were committed to the promises we had made each other and though we might slip up, neither of us wanted to throw it away. I genuinely thought we both still believed we had been brought together, that marriage was 'till death us do part', and that we would work together to overcome problems and protect it.

Gradually over the next few weeks the devastating truth dawned on me: the commitment I thought we shared had gone for ever. He no longer valued me, us, or our marriage, and was prepared to end it to be with someone else.

'Sailing has unleashed a side of me that was dormant'

He maintained an impenetrable wall of silence between us for the remaining few months that we lived in the same house. I would go into his study and say, 'Please, let's talk,' and would still be sitting there twenty minutes later waiting for a single word from him. He refused any sort of relationship or other counselling. In a funny sort of way I wonder if he were actually trying to protect my feelings by not having to say the words, ‘I find you boring and irritating and I don’t fancy you anymore.’

The closest he came to opening up was when he said, ‘Off-shore racing has unleashed a side of me which has been dormant since school – the sporty and competitive side.’

From this I understood that as I lacked these qualities I no longer suited him and he wanted someone different.

If he wouldn’t talk to me I encouraged him to talk to a couple of his closest male friends, both men who combined their faith with sense and empathy.

Once the word crept out about our situation other church colleagues found this invasion from a very different world virtually incomprehensible.

‘What were these two people thinking about their marriage vows when they did all this?’ my older friend said, shaking her head in utter incredulity. Any divorce lawyer would have told her it happens every day.

In a spirit of compromise and to keep myself active during this heart-breaking time I joined a gym, and took swimming lessons, finally learning to swim (a bit) at the age of 39. When it became clear my husband was continuing his affair and had no intention of giving it up, I asked him to move out of our marital home, and one day, he did.

Was it all a mistake?

I was left in the empty house with the confusion and pain which anyone in that situation would feel. But for the believer in a ‘Christian’ marriage, there was an extra layer of misery. We had absorbed the message that God guided you in all your major life decisions, and had someone in mind for you as your partner even before you had met them. How could this be, when my partner had walked away from it and me?

‘So confused about everything [I wrote in my diary]. I thought God brought us together, we both felt committed to our marriage, so were we wrong? Was it all a mistake? Does God make a mistake? Did God bring us together, is everything random, does God exist at all?’

Many months later my husband paid a visit to the 'marital home' where I now lived alone and made it clear he was never coming back. I had no desire to cling on to someone who no longer loved or respected me and our marriage, and we agreed I would start divorce proceedings.

Divorce. A violent word. An amputation. The word you think you will never apply to you.

Where now?

Part 2 Of Your Love Life | This is what happened to me (2)

Fri, 01 Sep 2023 16:12:21 GMT

Yes, my former husband may recall things completely differently. But this is genuinely how it seemed — and still seems — to me.

So there we were, married for over a decade, a seemingly happy and established couple. The first year or two of married life was testing: my husband suddenly faced possible redundancy which threatened to stall what seemed a promising career. I battled a persistent health condition which sparked a bout of depression and anxiety. All was resolved through the everyday but still miraculous forces of time, love, commitment, and personal resilience.

Now we were in the clear, sunlit uplands of a shared life.

‘Isn’t it wonderful the way you two were brought together and how well you fit?’ an older friend, who worked as a counsellor, once commented. ‘Your husband's job involves a lot of travel away from home but it's never an issue with you. You both adapt.'

I can't take credit for that as, brought up practically as an only child, I knew how to enjoy my own company and spend time well while we were apart. And then the delicious anticipation of his homecomings! The sound of him parking his car in the drive, his front-door key in the keyhole, him shouting, ' Minky moo! ' (private joke) to announce his arrival as he came through the front door. Wrapping our arms round each other, sharing what had been happening while we were apart. Relaxing back into mutual home-life till the next trip.

But the stark truth is, you never really know what is going on in your spouse’s head. You may think you do, but you don’t.

You never truly know what is going on in your spouse’s head

Doing brilliantly at his career, he began to feel restless and the need for new challenges. A friend from work had bought himself a TVR Griffith sports car and my husband decided he wanted one too. I wasn’t into cars as much as he was but I was happy to share his enjoyment. First, he bought a Subaru Impreza, a rally car, then traded it in for a TVR Chimaera. It is a stunning, classic British car, and I fell in love with it too though I only dared drive it on one exhilarating, never-to-be-forgotten occasion.

A rower in his schooldays he thought about taking it up again but his profession meant he was unable to commit to the regular training needed to reach the élite level he aspired to, and anything less wouldn’t satisfy him.

So with my light-hearted agreement which contained no sense of foreboding, he joined his company's sailing club on the coast. It wasn’t a sport I could participate in: I couldn't swim, suffered from seasickness, and being wet and cold affected me miserably. But I was happy to support his new hobby and had no wish to tag along which I thought would only detract from his enjoyment by making him worry about whether I was enjoying myself.

I found it natural that we had some things we did together and some we did apart. It didn't seem strange to me. Should it have done? There were examples all around me of couples with individual interests. He brought home hilarious stories of the arcane world of sailing. Sailors, he explained, divided into two sorts: 'There are racers and there are cruisers. Racers like beating everything else out of the water. Cruisers like...' his voice trailed off as he struggled to find polite words for something he slightly looked down on. 'Cruisers like nice sunsets,' he finally concluded.

Gradually, his involvement deepened. He took out a shared time-ownership of a J109 racing yacht with other club members, speculating maybe it was something we could use as a base for future holidays in the Greek islands. We loved out holidays in the sun. Around the same time I began to pick up small but significant shifts in his attitude and behaviour which struck me as strangely unlike the man I had married.

No more Mr Nice Guy

He had a reputation as a nice guy but suddenly he once said, out of the blue, ‘If people knew what really goes on in my head, they wouldn’t think I’m so nice.’

What?

I knew him as a gentle, modest person. Now I sometimes picked up a smirk in his voice and around his mouth when talking about certain people, as though they were beneath him.

He had always been very calm. Now after an extended family dinner, I remember him half-shouting and gesticulating in anger to me, ‘I was THAT CLOSE to having a real go at xxxxx!’

Once when we were late for a holiday flight due to his insistence on waiting till the last possible moment so he could spend longer chatting to a buddy, he took our lateness out on me. For the first time in our life together, I saw an expression directed towards me I had never seen before, his looks contorted and made ugly by pure anger as he snarled at me in front of the security officers, ‘ Come on! ’

Well, people snap when they’re under pressure, I told myself, feeling shaken as we settled into our plane seats. I didn't want to start our holiday by dwelling on this little scene.

But it was a side of him I had not seen before, blaming me for his own mistake, and there was no apology for it when he had calmed down. I can remember only one time in the past he had seemingly lost his rag, and then he had immediately apologised, saying, 'Sorry about that — a devil must have got into me!'

I felt there was something ominous about this new behaviour.

Part 2 Of Your Love Life | This is what happened to me (1)

Fri, 18 Aug 2023 13:46:02 GMT

Yes, my former husband may recall things completely differently. But this is genuinely how it seemed to me.

We met at church. Don't laugh; it still happens. Both relocating separately in our early twenties to a new city, we attended the same church but didn't meet for a year or so due to the fact he, an early bird, went to the morning service and I, who loved a lie-in, to the evening. The day we met for the first time, something different happened to me which I still can't explain. I found myself waking up early, feeling wide awake.

A thought came from nowhere: ‘I think I’ll go to the morning service.’ Before I knew it my feet touched the bedroom floor. There was no effort involved. This was not the usual me as anyone who knows me will tell you.

Though more of a jeans girl, I found myself choosing to wear a brand-new dress: a deep green, Empire-line, patterned dress from Oasis. This was the dress he asked me, later on, never to give away.

I walked to church. It had a huge congregation so there was no point in looking for someone you knew to sit by. It was my habit to find a pew with maybe one or two people in it, sit there, say hello and chat to them at the end of the service if they were friendly. But being as shy as I was it took a lot of building myself up. I usually dithered, hesitated, trying to pluck up courage.

Somehow that morning, I found myself walking straight into a pew where a dark-haired, dark-complexioned, gorgeous young man sat. As I came into the pew, he turned his head, looked up at me with a smile — I can see him now — and said, ‘Hello.’ I replied to his greeting, and the thought came into my head, ‘He’s not English. He’s too friendly.’

As we sat waiting for the service to start I remember catching a glimpse of his feet in their brown suede shoes. He shuffled them slightly, and I had the strangest intuition he was intensely aware of me, and this was an unconscious way of attracting attention. I felt intensely aware of him too.

'He's not English, he's too friendly'

The service began. After the preliminaries, the vicar said, ‘Right, now turn round and talk to someone you don’t know for five minutes.’ The unknown man and I turned to each other and smiled.

My intuition proved correct. He wasn’t English. He was from Northern Ireland. That first meeting made us look out for each other every Sunday and so our relationship began.

We took it slowly, gently, but seriously. One evening after a date he surprised me by asking, ‘Can I ask you something? How do you think we’re getting on?’ I was so shocked at a man apparently taking the initiative in talking about relationships that I nearly fell off my chair. He clearly meant business. He went on to say he hoped for ‘a Christ-centred relationship,’ and when I smiled at this, he protested, ‘No, don’t laugh.’ I reassured him, ‘I’m not laughing! I’m smiling because I think it’s great, it’s lovely, I like that idea. I want that too.’

From fairly early on we both sensed this was something special and wanted to build on it. We had the same idea what the word ‘love’ meant when used between a couple who are going out together. It’s a serious word, not to be used lightly. It’s not a word for throwing around. It’s not about a moment’s intensity. It has a hint of the long-lasting. To us it suggested that you feel that, maybe at some point in the future, marriage is a real possibility. Perhaps you’re not quite at that stage yet but there is a definite sense you may be growing towards it. Thirty years later, I still feel that way about the word. So it took quite a few months of growing closer and learning to trust each other before we admitted, yes, we loved each other, with all that implied about a possible shared future.

Romantic relationships begin with physical attraction and enjoying each other’s company but they need more to grow into real, committed love. We found we shared similar values and goals. Though we had different strengths — he was ‘sporty’, I was ‘arty’ — it was he who pointed out that even in our differences we were similar: we both aspired to achieve something different in life (he was beginning a career in a profession to which many are called but comparatively few are chosen; I wanted to be a published writer). His only nervousness, he said, was that my focus on writing might be so important to me that it came between us. I gave him some of my work to take away and read and he wrote me a letter (couples still wrote letters to each other in those days) saying now all his uncertainty about it ‘had turned right round into a real excitement about your writing’. I reassured him that commitment meant I would put my loved ones ahead of my writing.

In the light of what happened later, the painful irony of this strikes me every time I think of it.

'I love the way you just let me be me'

We had roots in common, a mixture of UK and Irish heritage from both sides of the Irish border which meant we instinctively ‘got’ each other’s background instead of having to explain it all and deal with the frustrating lack of understanding of so many people around us. ‘It’s nice to have a sensible talk about Ireland for a change,’ he mused once when we’d been going out for a few weeks. We both had a connection with aviation, he through his profession, I through having a father who loved talking about his past RAF days. Plus I had fallen in love with flying since reading and watching Flambards as a teenager. The same things made us laugh and we shared an emotional rapport. ‘Katrina, I love the way you just let me be me,’ he once said.

After a year, a month, a week, and a day’s getting to know each other, he proposed. We were visiting the Grianán of Aileach, an Iron Age hill fort on the Inishowen Peninsula in County Donegal, on the northwest coast of Ireland, where we were on holiday and spending time with each other’s families. The Grianán overlooks both the North of Ireland and the Republic, and it felt both special and symbolic, our mixed Irish backgrounds coming together. I found out later that our friends back in the UK had been laying bets on whether we’d come back from holiday engaged.

We didn’t rush into living together or getting married. We were in our mid-twenties, serious-minded about marriage, seeing engagement as a valuable time to prepare. It was a time of increasing closeness, talking about what we wanted our future to be.

And one beautiful June day, our wedding day took place in the church where we had met two years earlier.

Book review | Bird of Paradise

Mon, 15 May 2023 15:36:52 GMT

By Ada Leverson | Published by Michael Walmer

When you discover a book you love it's like finding a hidden gem. When you discover an author you love it's like finding the gem is part of a necklace.

So when you find a publisher whose whole list consists of just the sort of books you want to read, beautifully and colourfully produced, it's like finding a treasure-trove.

Enter Michael Walmer Books .

I discovered this publisher through bloggers such as #FurrowedMiddlebrow on Instagram, and @NeglectedBooks on Twitter: readers with whom I share the sneaking suspicion that time is the real judge of a good book. Most books fall out of print so when a handful are rediscovered and republished decades later it's a guarantee of something special.

Having previously read the travelogue Eve in Egypt (Stella Tennyson Jesse), Letters to a Friend (Winifred Holtby), and Living Alone (Stella Benson), my latest choice from Michael Walmer Books was Bird of Paradise by Ada Leverson , originally published in 1914, republished in 2023.

On one level it’s a complete hoot:

‘It was generally supposed that the late Sir Percy Kellynch had been knighted by mistake for somebody else, through a muddle owing to somebody’s deafness.’

Bird of Paradise perfectly evokes a sense of the last sun-rays and light breezes of the Edwardian summer swallowed up for good by World War One. We enter the domain of three, young, upper-class couples and the complicated power-play between them, which surprisingly reminded me of the 1960s and John Updike’s Couples .

Look beneath that level however and there's a hint of what someone once said about the art of Jane Austen's novels:

‘It's all like a beautiful, stylised dance on a perfectly manicured lawn, but if you don’t get your permanent partner before dark, the wolves hiding in the surrounding trees will come and get you.’

I won’t spoil the story of what ultimately happens in Bird of Paradise .

What ultimately happened to me, of course, was I got straight back on the Michael Walmer website and ordered another Ada Leverson novel.

Author: A da Leverson

Imprint: M ichael Walmer

Published: 23 Jan 202 3
ISBN: 978-0-6452440-8-3 paperback

Part 2 Of Your Love Life | ? Love in limbo

Sun, 14 Aug 2022 16:45:25 GMT

‘We all remember that time. We weren’t imagining things.’

Doris Lessing’s words in ‘Memoirs of a Survivor’ became my words.

'That time' for me was filled with the slow agony of watching my husband withdraw from me.

I felt I was being forced to watch the previously unthinkable happening in front of my eyes. Believing you were ‘brought together’ all those years ago, committing to each other in a public wedding ceremony, and now one of you unmistakably veering steadily, purposefully, away.

One tiny scene, over in a flash, summed rejection up and stays with me. At what seemed like a moment of faint communication opening up between us, I held out my arms to my husband and he involuntarily backed away from me as though I were defiled.

So these days, when loved-up, newly engaged couples beam, ‘We knew we were meant for each other,’ or, ‘I’ve met my soulmate’, or ‘God’s timing was perfect for both of us,’ I bite my lip.

Because I know such words don’t mean much. Not in terms of outcome.

Those words don’t guarantee happiness. That didn’t surprise me too much. I know loving partners often have difficult paths to tread together that mean they have to grow into a mature understanding of what ‘happiness’ might mean for them as an individual couple.

Those words don’t guarantee fidelity. I had always known that women were attracted to my husband, and life and human nature being what it is, that there might be falls along the way. And the same might apply to me though I was determined I wouldn’t let it. But I thought a fall would not be something we would want to allow to jeopardise us or our marriage.

What I wasn’t prepared for was that one day my husband might think, ‘We knew we were meant for each other,’ or, ‘I’ve met my soulmate,’ or even, ‘God's timing was perfect in bringing us into each other's lives,' not about me, but about somebody new.

So feeling ‘God/Fate/The Flying Spaghetti Monster brought us together,’ doesn’t guarantee anything about the future. All you can guarantee is your own commitment, and trust your partner enough to believe in theirs.

A book by Francine Rivers about a powerless woman in a patriarchal society gave me another phrase that summed up my situation: ‘She did the only thing she could do. She waited.’

I waited. We shared the house while I tried to give him time and space to decide what he was going to do. I tried to keep myself calm and busy, encouraging him quietly but firmly to share and discuss his feelings with his two closest friends.

From my diary of the time:

‘The house looks pretty with hyacinths in the window, pale yellow walls, bright rugs, and red silk poppies in the hearth, but it is deathly sad, and the wind in the chimney sounds lonely. From the outside, the house and garden look breathtakingly beautiful: wisteria on walls, rosemary bush in bloom, hawthorn tree flowering in the copse. It looks idyllic, middle class, secure – that lie!’

Today, all these years later, when I pass a row of suburban houses I’m aware the neatness and order can front quiet suffering within.

As it became clear he was still seeing his new girlfriend and did not want to recommit himself to me and us, I asked him to move out. A few days later I wrote:

‘The day he left, I was watching him from the window, holding our wedding photo in my hands, holding back the tears. He saw me, ran back in, and said in a strangled voice, "I’ll speak to you soon."

'So he left me, and now I am alone. We are separated.’

Dating with Austen

Wed, 08 Jun 2022 17:16:05 GMT

She may be your favourite author but how does she rate as a date coach?

If Lewis Hamilton wants to honour his mother why doesn't he call himself Carmen?

katrina.robinson1@outlook.com (Katrina Robinson) — Thu, 17 Mar 2022 16:25:02 GMT

Lewis Hamilton’s announcement about adding his 'mother's name' to his current surname is a nice mum-loving gesture but actually he's just adding one male name to another.

On the surface Lewis Hamilton's recent announcement that he intends to add 'Larbalestier' (which he calls his 'mother's name') to his current name sounds like an appreciation of women's rights, and his mother, Carmen Larbalestier, sounds like a wonderful woman.

Looked at a bit more closely, however, it's apparent he hasn't really thought this through, has he?

What we usually think of as a woman's surname is most often her father's name. And her father got the name from his father, and his father before him, all the way through history. Man-to-man names. No women allowed.

Yet somehow there is this strange myth that a male name handed down through the male line is 'our' name.

This means Lewis Hamilton (with no doubt the best of intentions) has performed the neat trick of adding one male surname to another male surname and presented it as female empowerment.

(Caveat: if Lewis Hamilton’s mother took her surname from her mother and her mother before her, then I bow out gracefully and take my hat off to them. But I have heard no evidence to suggest this is the case.)

And yes of course it’s every woman’s right to call herself whatever she wants (and that might be her father's name) but maybe we need to re-think the urban myth that clinging like a limpet to our nearest male relative’s name equals empowerment, whereas deciding to change to a marriage partner’s name equals downtrodden.

You have a choice over your marriage partner, whom you presumably you love, trust, and respect. You had no choice of your father.

So while I appreciate Hamilton's kind gesture, if he had decided to add ‘Carmen’ somewhere onto his moniker, now that would really would have made a statement.

The heroine with a thousand faces

Sun, 14 Nov 2021 18:47:56 GMT

I admit I struggle with society's stereotype of the strong woman.

The kick-boxing leader-figure sarcastically showing male colleagues how incompetent they are. The gobby ladette who don't take no **** from no one.

Loud. Domineering. The female bully.

I find it hopelessly reductive in its portrayal.

What if you're a woman who sees herself as not pushy, but a gentler personality, nurturing, sometimes hurt?

Who maybe struggles sometimes with bouts of depression or anxiety?

Who doesn't feel she's 100% successful all the time?

There is such a thing as gentle strength.

So my ears swivelled round like our cat's when I heard Irish singer-songwriter Dani Larkin talking about her album, Notes From a Maiden Warrior .

The 'notes' are her songs. The 'maiden warrior' is herself. Why this status, what does it mean to her, and why does it resonate with me?

In Irish Celtic mythology, ‘Maiden’ refers to the first aspect of womanhood or femininity. Within a Jungian psychological model it is one of the three female archetypes.

‘Warrior’ refers to the fact Dani is from the province of Ulster which she explains is the warrior province within the island of Ireland.

She feels rooted in that warrior sense but ‘not in that particularly masculine or violent way we currently understand it, but the wildness and resilience and strength we find within femininity.’

‘The wildness and resilience and strength we find within femininity.’

'Find' can be taken to mean sometimes we have to make an effort to find it.

I love the fact that she uses the word ‘femininity’ which is so often a term clouded in a miasma of pink and frilly Disney princessiness.

Dani, a graduate in history and sociology, with a Master’s degree in international conflict and cooperation, uses her feminine warriorhood not in the masculine way referred to above but in peace-building in Palestine, Israel, Romania, Indonesia and Colombia.

Conflict resolution rather than conflict escalation.

The truth is, a woman may be showing her strength every day of her life not by heroics but by simply going out and facing the world to the best of her ability.

You don't have to kick ass, or be badass, or tough girl, or girl boss to have feminine strength.

You can decide to be a heroine rather than a hero.

The heroine has a thousand faces.

One man and his mask. (And what it tells you about him.)

katrina.robinson1@outlook.com (Katrina Robinson) — Thu, 22 Jul 2021 17:07:07 GMT

Everyone should have a hobby and mine is people-watching.

Throughout the past pandemic year-and-a-half I have observed men and their masks, and every day have been brought face-to-face with some male of the species, bravely showing what a helluva guy he was by wearing his face-mask in his own individual, getting-it-wrong way

Maybe he saw this as flaunting his rebel status.

I saw it as an unmasking, hinting at something about his personality.

During my investigation, I made notes on the following six types:

Male Frontal Appendage

When a man’s mask covers his mouth but not his nose it’s a clear case of willy waving. Suspect this might be the sort of man who refuses to wear a condom during sex as it’s ‘like eating a Mars bar with the wrapper on’. But someone should tell him that displaying the facial equivalent of a male member drooping outside baggy Y-fronts is not an alluring look.

The 'Morning After' Look

Dangling a face mask from one ear is the look for the man who sees himself as akin to The Man Who Broke the Bank at Monte Carlo, wearing his black tie loose as he rolls home, skint yet carefree, with the dawn. Unfortunately, it makes him look less like an International Man of Mystery and more as though he’s wearing an incontinence pad that’s accidentally come loose.

High Noon in High Wycombe

For the man who sees himself as the spiritual brother of Butch Cassidy and The Sundance Kid on the run from the posse, wearing a bandana draped around his features is the way to go. But though he may feel like he's the last remaining member of the Hole in the Wall Gang in Wyoming, actually he may be closer to that gormless charmless man who fixes hole-in-the-wall machines in Wokingham High Street.

The Face Bra

One new trend just spotted on the streets is men wearing female lingerie on the face. The all-new Face Bra gently moulds and supports the double-chin while lifting and separating the jowls.

The Nuclear Option

This man may have a perfectly good reason why he is wearing a biohazard mask in Sainsbury's on a Saturday morning, but it does give you a fright when you turn round from the vegetable counter and there he is. Perhaps a sign he's never got over watching Threads as a teenager, secretly regrets the end of the Cold War, and has been stockpiling tinned food ever since to give his life some sense of purpose.

The Hero With a Thousand Masks

He's the man wearing his face mask properly, head held high, with insouciance. I recognise him when I see him, my heart does a little dance, and I catch myself wondering what he looks like...maskless.

Book review | The Fashion Lover's Guide to Milan

Sat, 01 May 2021 18:00:39 GMT

By Rachel Martin

This eye-catching little book is a fashion accessory in its own right.

Beautifully glossy and slim enough to slip into a handbag, The Fashion Lover’s Guide to Milan is a guide to shopping, eating, and taking in some of the culture of Milan. Rachael Martin, originally from the UK, fell for Italy and an Italian in the late 1990s, made the country her home, and so combines an insider’s knowledge of her local city with a visitor’s delight in all that is special about it.

The book divides Milan into walkable chunks of geographical shopping districts, each with its own atmosphere and fashion specialism, whether that’s luxury end, designer, boutique, vintage, or streetwear. Globally influential brands like Prada, Dolce & Gabbana, Valentino, and Armani feature but so do individual boutique names like Chris Cerf and concept stores like 10 Corso Como. It is also interesting to note the rise of vintage clothes stores in the city — a sign of a sustainably fashionable future to come?

Italy and food go together so the guide naturally includes the best local places for the fashion shopper to revive, from the city’s legendary coffee and pastry shops to the restaurants serving up Italian and Milanese traditional fare. And if you have enough of commerce, the book is punctuated by ‘Culture Stops’ showing the city’s historical reverence for beauty through its museums, art, and the cathedral built using pink marble, from the top of which you can glimpse the Alps.

I loved the fact children’s clothes aren’t forgotten and the only tiny wish I would have is for a price guide for the various shops, but the book helpfully provides all the sellers' websites so if a particular shop catches your eye, it’s an easy matter to check their wares and prices online yourself.

In short this is not only a handy little travel companion for a future holiday or city break, it’s also a delightful book to pore over during these pandemic-restricted times, perhaps sipping Sicilian lemonade and dreaming of travel opportunities to come.

Author: Rachael Martin

Imprint: Pen & Sword Books

Published: 16 March 2021

Illustrations: 80 colour illustrations & maps
ISBN: 9781526733733

Book review | Angela Thirkell: A Writer's Life

Mon, 26 Apr 2021 18:16:16 GMT

By Anne Hall

When I hear about a once-popular and prolific author who first of all fell out of fashion and is then ‘rediscovered’ and republished, I sit up and take note. Because it sends a message that in the face of changing times and the latest over-hyped bestsellers there is something about their work which still works its magic on readers, and I want to know more.

Angela Thirkell is one such example. Referred to dismissively fifteen years ago by Observer writer and critic Robert McCrum with the words, ‘Who reads Angela Thirkell now?’, Thirkell’s popular novels — comic depictions of mid-20th century upper-class lives, with titles such as High Rising , Wild Strawberries , The Brandons , and Cheerfulness Breaks In — are now republished in the eye-catching Virago Modern Classics series, while Anne Hall’s newly published Angela Thirkell: A Writer’s Life (Unicorn) fills in the story behind Thirkell's acerbic wit.

Angela Thirkell wrote about what she knew. Coming from a well-connected family (daughter of an Oxford Professor of Poetry, granddaughter of Pre-Raphaelite painter Edward Burne-Jones, and related to both Kipling and Baldwin), she was the sort of person who lived in houses with names rather than street numbers. Titled and eminent personalities pop up frequently throughout her biography. Her work reflects this privileged background, albeit reflected through a satirical eye, and we get to hear Thirkell's authentic voice by the inclusion of quotes from her letters, conversation, and articles.

Money and breeding didn't guarantee her a smooth and easy life: she was married first at the age of 21 to James Campbell McInnes, a professional singer who was also a heavy drinker, and later openly bisexual. That marriage ended in divorce, and her second marriage to George Thirkell led to separation when she left both him and their home in Australia on the pretext of taking a trip to England, which turned into a permanent split.

Yet her novels are full of high comedy, glorying in the humour and sheer silliness to be found in life, prompting the thought that her way of dealing with life was by laughing at and refusing to take it seriously. Modern-day readers sometimes balk at what they see as her upper-class attitudes, but part of the charm of her books is that they give a telling glimpse into how a talented and amusing woman of her time and class saw the world around her: aristocratic foolishness, villagers' foibles, and middle-class pretension.

Angela Thirkell: A Writer’s Life provides an insightful and colourful portrait of a witty and penetrating woman whose high-spirited gift of comedy lives on for a new generation of readers.

Author: Anne Hall

Imprint: Unicorn Publishing

Published: 15 March 2021

ISBN: 978-1-913491-24-6

On Helen McCrory (RIP) as Polly in Peaky Blinders

katrina.robinson1@outlook.com (Katrina Robinson) — Fri, 16 Apr 2021 16:54:32 GMT

She brought her own distinctive style to Polly Gray of Peaky Blinders

In her role as Peaky Blinders matriarch Polly Gray ('Aunt Polly'), she wore her clothes like so many weapons. A purse dangling from her belt with a glinting steel frame hinting at Lady Macbeth’s dagger. A pistol in her breast pocket and a decorative hatpin stabbed through her coat lapel as a brooch. If there is one word that defined her, it’s dominance.

You sensed it in her clothes, the royal purples, the imposing hat she wore like the headdress of a Byzantine Empress, let’s-get-down-to-business skirt suits, and blouses fastened by pussy bows like a power-dressing Margaret Thatcher. Her admirer Aberama Gold (played by Game of Thrones Aidan Gillen) was spot on when he said she looked like royalty and called her Your Majesty.

Interestingly, Polly’s hard-as-Black-Country-nails surface melted when she had her portrait painted, arraying herself in a dress that was all about delicacy, femininity, and vulnerability: a fantastically soft and flowing shell pink silk off-the-shoulder floor-length dress, worn with long white gloves, transforming her into a devastating surprise.

Whatever she wore, she wore it well.

Book review | The Balkan Trilogy

Thu, 11 Feb 2021 17:30:51 GMT

By Olivia Manning

Today in 2021 in the midst of a global pandemic, I'm thrilled to see the publication of beautiful new editions of Olivia Manning's World War Two trilogy, The Great Fortune, The Spoilt City , and Friends and Heroes , known collectively as The Balkan Trilogy . I'm enchanted by the new-but-retro, mysterious cover images, because much as I love Ken and Em in the original BBC production of The Fortunes of War (based on The Balkan Trilogy and The Levant Trilogy ) the time had come to update this image of Olivia Manning's modern classics.

What makes them modern classics? What is so special about these books, written in the 1960s, depicting people from a period twenty years earlier?

For a start, their tense atmosphere is uncannily analogous of today’s lockdown. Guy and Harriet Pringle live their lives against the backdrop of an outer threat, in their case military occupation, in ours an infectious epidemic. Somehow, it's both gripping and comforting to be reminded through their story that the world has met many crises and throughout them people have to find ways to carry on.

The series is unique because while more than one British woman has written about living through World War Two, it has usually been done from the comparative safety of the island 'Home Front', whereas Manning was physically present at the centre of a politically volatile, war-torn Europe, fleeing in turn from Bucharest, Athens, Palestine, and Cairo, to escape the remorseless advance of enemy armies.

Manning's books also resonate in 2021 as Britain faces up to the embarrassing legacies of its colonialism. Manning lived amongst the British overseas community, casting a caustic eye and a tart tongue over the colonial mindset she saw around her. 'What have we ever done for Egypt,' asks one shamefaced Briton, 'except make money out of it? The poor here are just as poor and miserable as they were before the British took over.'

On a personal psychological note, in Harriet and Guy's marriage we see a realistic portrayal of the relationships we hang onto: long-lasting but inevitably caught up in the clash of the private needs of the individual and the public demands of time and circumstance.

Author: Olivia Manning

Imprint: Windmill Books (part of Penguin Random House)

Published: 30/07/2020 ('The Great Fortune')

Published: 11/02/2021 ('The Spoilt City')

Published: 11/02/2021 ('Friends and Heroes')

Book review | Dangerous Ages

Thu, 13 Aug 2020 18:18:12 GMT

by Rose Macauley

I've noticed that some of my best-loved books follow the same strange circulatory publishing pattern:

They are published initially to popular acclaim.

They then go out of favour and out of print due to a change in literary fashion.

Only to be rediscovered years later by an astute publisher and re-published for new generations of readers to fall in love with.

It's proof they contain something that was true then, is true today, and still has the power to touch and move us.

Can the same be said for the latest hyped bestseller? Maybe, maybe not. Time is the test of a good book.

Dangerous Ages (1921) by Rose Macaulay is a prime example, winning a prestigious book prize on publication (the Femina-Vie Heureuse Prize) followed in due course by the 'Rose Who?' phase, and is now the latest to be re-issued in the British Library Women Writers series.

The 'dangerous ages' referred to here aren't the Dark Ages or Western Colonialism. It's you and me, it's the ages we celebrate on birthday cards.

Among others, we meet Neville (43) who feels she must 'do' something now her family are grown up and thinks the answer is to re-start the medical training she gave up in her twenties.

Mrs Hilary (63) is restlessly searching for some new philosophy to explain the nameless dissatisfaction she feels.

Gerda (23) is discovering how hard society makes it to stick to your ideals.

Nan (33) has an unexpected but not unpredictable experience of the heart.

Sometimes it seems that Grandmamma (83) is the only woman truly at peace in the book. Or is she?

Whatever age the reader is I can almost guarantee if you are female you will identify with at least one and probably more of these and the other women characters in turn because at the hub of the novel is the puzzle of what women envision they want at each stage of their lives, and the reality of what they get.

This book is 100 years old yet it feels completely modern and made me reflect on my own life and choices, so relevant are the lives it depicts.

Author: Rose Macaulay, with Preface by Lucy Evans, and Afterword by Simon Thomas

Brand: British Library Publishing

Number of pages: 256 pages

Binding: Paperback

ISBN: 978 0 7123 5387 8

e-ISBN: 978 0 7123 6786 8

Book review | The Great Fortune

Fri, 31 Jul 2020 16:53:36 GMT

by Olivia Manning

As a 60th anniversary edition of The Great Fortune by Olivia Manning is published you ask yourself: why read a book published 60 years ago about events that took place 20 years before that?

Read it because while I can think of many examples in English Literature of British women who wrote from the comparative safety of the island 'Home Front', Manning is unique in that she was at the centre of a politically volatile, war-torn Europe, living in turn in Bucharest, Athens, Palestine, Cairo, experiencing the rise of Fascism clashing with Communism, and civilian populations caught in the middle.

Read it because you'll find fascinating echoes of today’s tense atmosphere of lockdown and pandemic, reminding us that crises come and crises go, and throughout it people have to find ways to carry on.

Read it because Manning cast a tart eye over the British overseas community, noting the perils of a colonial mindset, another topic with extra resonance at the moment.

Read it because it's also an intimate portrayal of Olivia's own marriage, long-lasting but inevitably caught up in the clash of the private needs of the individual and the public demands of time and circumstance.

Title: The Great Fortune

Author: Olivia Manning

Imprint: Windmill Books

Published: 30/07/2020

ISBN: 9781786091130

Book review | Testament of Youth

Wed, 01 Jul 2020 16:47:34 GMT

'An Autobiographical Account of the Years 1900-1925', by Vera Brittain

I first read Testament of Youth in 1979 when it was serialised by the BBC, at the same time as we were studying First World War history at school. It's now a well-known classic book/film/serialisation. Here's a quick summing up:

This is the first instalment of the autobiography of Vera Brittain, an Oxford University student in 1914 when World War One broke out. Vera's fiancé, her brother, and two of their school friends, caught up in the jingoistic fervour of the times, immediately joined up as British Army officers, and Vera dropped out of university life to volunteer as a war nurse, tending battlefield soldiers at hospitals in London, Malta, and France.

Her shattering-cum-surrealistic experiences — the Red Cross unit she served with in northern France nursed the same German soldiers her brother had been trying to kill only a few miles away — made her question the accepted 'Dolce et Decorum' mantra of the time and many years later she became a convinced pacifist, spending the rest of her life writing and campaigning for pacifism and feminism.

So far so inspiring. This is why when I first read the book I couldn't understand why I felt so ambivalent about it. On the face of it she was everything a teenage feminist wannabe writer would like: a young woman battling her parents to go to university when this was still rare for women, a feminist, a writer, with a heartbreakingly romantic story of love, loss, and sacrifice.

Yet although I found and still find her impressive, something about her and her writing leaves me cold. Perhaps it's the writing style which seems self-consciously literary, long-winded and self-important, fond of words like 'notwithstanding' and 'inculcate', and peppered with semi-colons.

For all her later identification with socialism she also comes across as a snob. She comments on another nurse's dropped aitches and mimics working-class dialects, looking down her long patrician nose at what she calls 'provincialism', by which she seems to mean in the UK anywhere outside London and possibly a few university cities. A fervent supporter of the League of Nations, it's an unpleasant shock to find her describing some of her fellow conference attendees as 'yellow, impassive little Japanese and Chinamen'.

I've always been uneasy about voicing these views, aware of the tragedy of her personal story and the legacy of her work for peace and gender equality. Apart from one notable exception* I have never seen her referred to in anything less than reverential tones. But on re-reading the book after so many years I find I still feel the same way about the book.

Why re-read, or even read it then?

Well it's still unique as one woman's personal account of a cataclysmic moment in the history of modern Western society. It's a powerful primary source written by a woman with a fresh and elastic sense of history, who went on to be a player in the fields of politics, protest, and feminism. It gives a real feel for UK and European politics and society (albeit at the upper middle-class end) during and after World War One, and it's an achievement Vera Brittain repeated in her sequel Testament of Experience, which covers the years 1925 to 1950 and which bore witness to the rise of Fascism and the dropping of American atom bombs on Japanese civilians in 1945.

I also appreciate the awareness she gives me her of the popular early twentieth-century writers we've often forgotten. She mentions in passing H. S. Reid, Edmund Blunden, Louis Golding, Margaret Kennedy, Beverley Nicholls. Compton Mackenzie, Rose Macaulay, most of whom I hadn't heard of before, and now that I have I intend to look them up and track down their books to gain more of a feel for the tastes of the times.

It's a valuable reminder of the flaws of our heroes and how much even the radical can be products of their time and place in society.

* Gerard De Groot in his book Blighty: British Society in the Era of the Great War (1996) described her as 'Vera Brittain: egotist, elitist, mistress of self-pity'.

Boris Johnson, imperial measurements, and foot fetishism: is there a link? (A completely fantasy investigation.)

Sun, 31 May 2020 17:16:12 GMT

Another not entirely serious reason why my generation might have voted Brexit

Our Prime Minister's comments on using imperial measurements instead of metric ones comes as no big surprise to anyone British, thinking as many of us still do in feet and inches. Yet we don't think in terms of shillings and farthings. Why the difference?

It was over fifty years ago — 15 February 1971 — that Decimalisation Day dawned on us. Overnight British money changed from a ‘system’ consisting of twenty shillings to the pound, twenty-one shillings to the guinea, things called sixpenny and thrupenny bits, into something more coherent and user-friendly based on units of ten. The changeover was all done and dusted overnight. We adapted. Just like that. In a very short time pounds, shillings and pence disappeared from consciousness.

But when it came to units of measurement we never quite plucked up the courage to take the leap, did we? And now, years later, people still refer to feet and yards. My 30-year-old hairdresser asks me if I want half an inch or an inch off my hair. I remember in 1970s primary schools the neat blue-and-white rulers marked off in centimetres, but by the time we got to secondary school some office in Whitehall had made the decision to give up. Perhaps some people were unable to cope with the concept of units of ten. Rulers took a backwards step, displaying inches on one side and centimetres on the other. So people sank back into old habits with the result we are a confused people, still thinking in terms of a system based on medieval thumb joints and feet.

The only explanation for this I can come up with is that whereas mainland Europe measurement are based on the fact we have ten fingers, British measurements may just possibly be based on some sort of public schoolboy foot fetishism. Still some people will think it worthwhile in that at least we get to call them imperial.

Part 2 of Your Love Life? | Introduction: So what brought you to Part 2 of Your Love Life?

Mon, 25 May 2020 00:00:00 GMT

Sometimes a decisive event effectively cuts your life into a ‘before’ and an ‘after’. For me, it came in my late thirties: content, settled, and naively seeing the future as more of the same. Then over the course of a few months life changed forever.

It came out of the blue. On our tenth wedding anniversary my husband wrote, ‘I loved you the day we walked down the aisle, and I love you even more today (lots and lots more). Here’s to the next 10 years! All my love. xxx’.

Little over a year after he wrote those words, he fell in love with somebody else, and left me to be with her.

I was surprised by how a non-physical event can produce such a massive physical shock. The earth seemed to shift and tilt beneath my feet, maybe because the foundations I had built my life on had taken a hard knock.

Up to that point I had stupidly thought divorce only happened to so-called ‘bad’ marriages where couples argue, don't get on, or don't talk.

Now I was learning what every generation of women learns. It is perfectly possible for a man to be a loving husband for years, seem to enjoy his wife’s company, buy her sexy underwear, and write her tender words on birthdays and anniversaries. In effect show every symptom of a happy marriage.

None of which will stop him saying, at the end of all that and any number of years together, ‘Sorry, I love someone else now,’ and leaving.

It is not only possible, it is banal. Happens every day of every week. The divorce lawyer virtually yawned and fell off her office chair with boredom when I told her the situation. The thing is, it’s not just the complete bar stewards who do it, which is the message I had unconsciously absorbed as a teenager. It’s the nice guys too. The men who inspire trust, the men who appear rock solid.

I’ve been on a long and deep learning curve since then and recognise there is no marriage immune from divorce. Love and life are glorious but risky with no guarantees. But I am adamant it is not a sign the person left behind has failed.

Perhaps the shock was amplified for me because I had been part of a church culture where we were encouraged to believe that God had a plan for your life, that he guided you to your marriage partner and in your life decisions. I thought I/we had done everything according to his ‘plan’. Not 'slept around' before marriage. Met at a C of E church in our mid-20s. Gone out together for a year before becoming engaged. Prayed about ‘us’. Married the following year in the church in which we had met, feeling confident we were committed to each other and to dealing with any problems together as a couple.

So how, how , how ? could this be happening, I wept to whatever God might be listening.

It made me realise that no matter how much you love someone and think you know them, you don't, not completely. They are themselves, an individual and a free spirit, you can never really know what is going on in another person’s head. So if at some point one partner's commitment slides, you won’t necessarily be aware of it until the marriage slides too.

I had so much to learn in that bleak period of watching my husband slowly walk away from me. I wrote reams in my journal in outright panic and an attempt to find courage: ‘I really have no idea what the future holds. I am scared of poverty, if I’m honest, pensions etc. To begin life again as a single woman at the age of 40…plenty of women do it. Hard to see a way forward. Feel rejected, one of life’s losers, a victim. Divorce must be the ultimate rejection.’

Eventually I had to write: ‘He is still not willing to recommit to our marriage vows, still sleeping with his girlfriend, so I asked him to move out. The day he left, I was watching him from the window, holding our wedding photo in my hands, holding back the tears. He saw me, ran back in, and said in a strangled voice, “I’ll speak to you soon.” So he left me, and now I am alone. We are separated.’

What was I going to do now?

3 x 3 things I asked myself during lockdown

Tue, 12 May 2020 11:36:57 GMT

3 things I can live without

Wine

Really? Can I? I’m aware I tend to use wine to relax in the evenings too much but a bit of me is getting tired of the headaches and forgetting the end of films we watched on TV last night. Now might be the right time — because it is such a very unusual time — to do something unusual: re-set my relationship with wine. (Note to husband: please stop topping up our white wine supply every time you go to the supermarket.)

Corporate culture

Lockdown could be a game-changer for a lot of people in that it gives them the chance to realise how their jobs in the Before Time made them feel, compared with how they feel now. How many people will get the creeping suspicion that if their work environment is blighted by issues such as toxic co-workers, workplace bullying, or poor management, they may want to make a change?

Socially distant queuing

I think the British secretly see queuing as one of the pillars of civilisation, but customs vary. This is why, living in mainland Europe years ago, I was confused by the fact that while I would arrive at a bus stop and form an orderly queue of one, most people would turn up, nonchalantly saunter up and down as though out for a Sunday stroll, and then once the bus arrived, make a dash for it, elbowing each other out of the way in the process. But I won’t miss the extended two-metre distancing rule outside supermarkets and one-in-one-out policy that makes an already boring job (grocery shopping) even more tedious.

3 things I can't live without

Being part of something bigger

As I stand on the doorstep, self-consciously but whole-heartedly clapping all those people who are on the frontline, exchanging embarrassed smiles with neighbours I hardly know, I reflect this is currently the nearest I get to a social life. A reminder we may be socially distant, but we’re socially distant together.

Social media

I’ve heard of digital detoxes, but right now I find social media a flippin’ lifeline, like Morse code signals, coming dim and distant through the ether: physical proof there are others alive out there, and that we’ll meet again. In a sense these days we are all like 1960s teenagers, listening to pirate radio stations under the bedclothes for evidence there is a life beyond our parents’ suburbia and the BBC Home Service.

Armchair cinema/downloadable books

Film and reading allow me to escape into another world for a while, either via comfort viewing/reading which calms me by reminding me of a more tranquil time, or slightly edgier content showing people in dark days displaying personal ingenuity and stoicism, which in cases like these I sincerely hope is infectious.

3 things that bring me joy

Looking at my noticeboard

If my current way of life feels like walking down a narrow tunnel, my noticeboard offers pinholes into a bigger, brighter world: splashes of colour through art postcards, reminders of past travel (the ABBA museum in Stockholm, a comedy night out in London), and pointers for future days out in the fresh air (the White Horse at Uffington – ancient hill figure, not the pub) when all this is behind us.

Doing the weekly bank statement

I mean it. There’s so much I can’t control at the moment that ticking off what transactions have gone through, taking the remainder off the bottom-line figure on the statement, and seeing it balances exactly with the amount I have in my own records, gives me some sense of control. Plus gratifying I’m spending much less by not going to work every day. (I blame the vending machine.)

Learning new makeup tricks

I know it sounds superficial but now I’m not rushing out the door in the morning to a job I’ve slowed down the whole beauty routine and am trying out new ideas I’ve discovered on YouTube videos. Some subtle situational shift means I’m treating it more as self-cherishing rather than covering up to face the world.

A reminder that whatever is happening outside, I can change. I just need to make a start.

Book review | Business As Usual

Mon, 10 Feb 2020 17:34:13 GMT

Dedicated to 'The people who work from nine to six'

I am a standing joke among my on-trend reader friends for not reading the latest hyped bang-up-to-the-minute must-read.

Yet as C S Lewis said, ‘Why should I read books written by people who happen to be alive at the same time as I am? On that basis should I also read books by authors with the same colour eyes?’

To me time is the ultimate judge of a good book, which is why good books from the past are a tried and tested treat. There are the classics which have an undeniable genius about them and never go out of print. And then there's the special charm of books that were loved and read in the past, fell out of print when reading fashions changed, but are still so good to read, they've bounced back.

So how inspiring to find publisher Handheld Press intent on hunting them down and beautifully republishing some wonderful writers from the mid-twentieth century for a new generation of readers.

Business As Usual (published March 2020) by Jane Oliver and Ann Stafford, is dedicated to ‘The People Who Work From Nine to Six’, and has a gorgeous retro cover, this one reproduced from a 1932 issue of The Morris Owner (sort of like a 1930s Top Gear magazine), with in-line quirky line drawings by Ann Stafford.

It’s the story of Hilary Fane, with newly minted university degree, recently engaged to be married, and determined to take a job for a year before the wedding to support herself. Told through Hilary’s letters to parents and fiancé, and through interdepartmental memos, the world of mid-20th century London retail life is brought sharply into focus.

Some parts of life are instantly recognisable. A woman’s desire for independence as well as love. The demoralising and exhausting business of job hunting, which culminates in Hilary starting as an assistant in the Clerical Department of Everyman’s of Oxford Street (‘Our business is your pleasure’), loosely based on Selfridge’s. The nature of entry-level work: she starts out spending her working day writing labels, earning two pounds ten a week, Saturday afternoons and Sundays off.

It’s also quite reassuring to find that women 90 years ago also felt rushed and harried and had mixed feelings about work: ‘The worst of earning one’s living’, Hilary observes, ‘is that it leaves so little time over to live in.’

The office politics are right on the money too: ‘The whole place is vile with intrigue and corner-conversations which stop when I come past. I thought this sort of atmosphere was only found in girls’ boarding schools. It seems to belong to business as well. I’d no idea what devils women could be to other women in an entirely passive way.’

No longer part of office daily life but appealing to the retronaut in all of us is the backdrop against which Hilary's experiences are played out: no electronic gadgets for a start so she is reduced to doing sums on her fingers in front of customers which doesn’t go down too well with the management. It’s a world of carbon copies, filing cabinets, typewriter ribbons, and treasury tags, where people are addressed as ‘Mr’ or ‘Miss’. No married ladies on the staff in those days.

Although upbeat in tone, there are also some poignant pen portraits giving the effect of a Lowryesque scene of scurrying figures in what is after all Depression-era London: 'I've no idea that so many old women went to work on outside jobs: I met dozens of them, plodding about with string bags or queer parcels. I suppose they're chars, or dailies, coming from making other people's breakfasts ; quite unresentfully, most of them, because they've done that sort of thing all their lives. And some still older women go from one dustbin to another with sacks at this time of day: they life the lids and finger the muddle inside with grey, careful that never miss a bottle or crust.'

One tantalising ingredient to note about Business As Usual is the fact the Hilary’s letters provide only one side of the story so the reader inevitably starts reading between the lines amidst some dawning suspicions that keep us galloping through the book to see if we’re proved right or not.

Sharply observed, ruefully amusing, and a joyous rediscovery.

Business As Usual is published by Handheld Press on 23 March 2020.

Is it a crime to read true crime?

Sun, 08 Dec 2019 12:46:59 GMT

Why do more women than men enjoy true crime?

For GKP...my partner in crime

OK I'll come clean and own up. I am female. I read books about true crime. Lots of them. And watch true crime TV dramas and films too. Frequently. The stats tell me I'm not alone, that the audience for true crime is predominantly female.

Motive? There are various theories as to why the genre appeals to women: trying to understand the 'why?' in human relations; empathy with the (often female) victims; facing fear of crime at a safe distance; plus the universal human hunger to solve a mystery.

Ultra-compelling are the unsolved or controversial historical cases. You are given the evidence, several possible scenarios, and cases for the prosecution and defence. Combine this with your own perspective and knowledge of human nature, plus your instinct for truth and falsehood. You are the jury.

Bearing all the above in mind, here are accounts of six real life whodunnits I continue to mildly obsess over:

Lord Lucan: What Really Happened, by James Ruddick

I've grown tired of the number of times I've read journalists breezily writing, ‘Lord Lucan murdered his children’s nanny, Sandra Rivett, and then attacked his wife, Lady Lucan.' They conveniently ignore the cold hard fact that Lucan has never been found guilty by any court of law. There has never been a trial because you can’t have a trial without a defendant, and this defendant has not been seen in public for 50 years.

What is exceptional about this case is that when in a legal experiment the complete evidence was presented to an assembled jury in a mock trial, the jury was genuinely split down the middle and failed to reach a verdict. If this had happened in real life, the judge would have had no choice but to order a re-trial, throwing further doubt over the viability of the police's case.

The si xmen and six women of the jury who, unlike most journalists and the general public, had actually listened to and considered all the evidence, recognised that there is enough plausibility in Lucan’s account of that night — via both conversations and letters he wrote after the event containing at least one unconscious slip suggesting he wasn’t the murderer— to bring genuine reasonable doubt to the official police version.

Ruddick’s exploration of the mystery demonstrates why the murder of Sandra Rivett has neverbeen definitively explained.

The Blue Tango, by Eoin McNamee.

A novel depicting the murder of nineteen-year-old judge's daughter Patricia Curran, who was found stabbed to death on a November night in the driveway of her home near Belfast. It was her story which originally sparked my interest in true crime when I discovered a slight personal family connection.

RAF National Serviceman, Iain Hay Gordon, aged twenty, was charged with her murder, solely on the basis of a coerced confession with no physical evidence. He was found ‘Guilty but insane,' and confined for years to a psychiatric hospital, where he was nursed by my ex-husband’s grandfather who was adamant that, ‘There is no way that man was a murderer.’ Anyone who cared to look into the case came away deeply troubled, sensing a miscarriage of justice and many unanswered questions about the family's account of the evening's events.

Who phoned Judge Curran at his club at 7pm that evening with an urgent message to go home? Why was Patricia’s room repainted a few days after her murder? Why was the body moved away from the crime scene, effectively breaking the law and destroying vital evidence? Why was the family solicitor helpfully on hand when the body was discovered? Whose blood stains were later uncovered in Patricia Curran’s bedroom? Why was the family never seriously interrogated by the police? If Iain was not the murderer, who was?

This tense and haunting account captures both the gloomy, gothic atmosphere of ‘the Black North’ at this darkest time of the year, and the toxic Curran family dynamics, hinting at the true identity of the murderer.

Wicked Beyond Belief: the Hunt for the Yorkshire Ripper, by Michael Bilton

I grew up in the UK in the 1970s and can still recall the sense of fear hovering over the North of England like a fog as a serial killer murdered thirteen women over a period of years, defying detection despite a massive operation by West Yorkshire Police. It must have been the biggest UK murder enquiry of the 20th century.

How could this have been allowed to happen? It’s a twisted tale of tortuous detective work, strategic mistakes at the top, and a hoax that led the official investigation on a fatal wild goose chase. Sunday Times author Michael Bilton focuses on the victims’ stories and the personalities involved in the investigation which at times came frustratingly close to uncovering the Yorkshire Ripper’s identity, only to go off at a tangent again.

Chillingly, what emerges to anyone studying the case is the era’s casual brutality and misogyny: English football crowds were known to chant, ‘There’s only one Yorkshire Ripper,’ to the tune of ‘Guantanamera’, and a commentator at the time bemoaned the fact that, ‘the saddest thing is, one of the Ripper victims was a respectable girl rather than a prostitute.’

The Five: the Untold Lives of the Women Killed by Jack the Ripper, by Hallie Rubenhold

One truecrime truism is that murderers end up more famous than their victims. This has never been more the case than in the 1888 Whitechapel Murders which made a household name of 'Jack the Ripper', serial killer of women in the East End of London.

This book, winner of the UK's top non-fiction award in 2019, redresses the balance, not least in asserting that the victims were falsely labelled ‘prostitutes’ by the press of the time, which had the effect of mentally dismissing the murders with, 'It wouldn't happen to me'. There is no hard evidence for prostitution, and according to the inquests no sexual contactbetween killer and victim. The likelihood is that Victorian society would have been quick to lump any woman who did not fit the strict social mores of the time as a woman of 'easy virtue', next stop 'prostitution'.

The Whitechapel Murder victims were more likely to be women who had fallen on hard times in the pitiless economics of the day, and were sleeping rough, thus easy targets for a night-time stalker.

Social historian HallieRubenhold fascinatingly maps the lives of Mary Ann Nichols, Annie Chapman,Elizabeth Stride, Catherine Eddowes, and Mary Jane Kelly, before they met theirdeaths, bringing into poignant focus the lives of these women who were individual workers,mothers, daughters, wives, and lovers.

A Pin to See the Peepshow, by F. Tennyson Jesse

F. Tennyson Jesse was a novelist as well as a criminologist, and in A Pin to See the Peepshow , combined the two to bring to life the strained human relationships and social pressures that can lead to violence, based on the true-life crime trial of Edith Thompson and Frederick Bywaters, a cause célèbre of the 1920s.

Unsuspecting readers come to this Virago novel thinking it’s a sort of English suburban Madame Bovary , complete with glamorous and bored young housewife falling for a younger man. Then comes the powerful seismic shock as the book shifts its focus from an illicit romance to the true story of the machinery of the law grinding up the flawed yet innocent.

It's been said anyone who calls for the return of the death penalty should treat themselves to the book's final chapters.

Various titles on the murder of Hilda Murrell

The murder of this 78 year old Shrewsbury business-owner in 1984 brought out the conspiracy theorists in a whole generation and led to Hilda Murrell being dubbed the 'British Karen Silkwood'.

The police said it was 'a burglary gone wrong', ending in the subject's death, but it assumed new and sinister overtones when considering Hilda Murrell's background. An anti-nuclear protester, she had been due a few days before her death to present a strongly critical paper to the first formal planning inquiry into the Sizewell B nuclear reactor. It also turned out she was aunt and mentor to Commander Robert Green, a former naval intelligence officer who was wrongly said to have passed the order for the controversial sinking of the General Belgrano, by nuclear submarine during the recent Falklands War. Was the apparent 'burglary' of her home in which nothing was taken except for £50 actually an M15 search operation to locate information injurious to the government and military of the time? And instead of making a run for it, why did her attackers bundle their victim into her car while she was still alive and drive across town to a copse where she was found dead many days later, although witnesses swore the copse was empty in the time period between?

But the biggest unsolved mystery is us. Why are we so mesmerised by conspiracy theories? Is it that we prefer to believe that someone, somewhere, is in control, guiding events, rather than the scarier alternative that life is basically random.

One not entirely serious reason why my generation might have voted Brexit

Wed, 22 May 2019 15:22:18 GMT

Seventies sitcom 'Mind Your Language'

At the time 'Mind Your Language' seemed an hilarious idea: a TV sitcom set in a College of FE ‘Spoken English class’ with a classful of new arrivals from other shores wanting to improve their language skills. Or as my slightly more aware schoolteacher put it, ‘How to insult every other nation under the sun in one half-hour programme.’

All the 1970s stereotypes were there: serious and humourless Germans, good time Mediterraneans, supposedly dim Spanish waiters who dared to offend your Britishness by speaking their own language more fluently than they did English, beautiful but over-sexed French, and of course their wise and kindly English teacher, like the District Commissioner of some British colony trying to instil civilisation into childlike natives. And in another uncanny reflection of the British Empire it was presided over by the Queen Victoria-like figure of Miss Courtney, the stern and matriarchal college principal.

As a child I found it funny, but the truth is this was seriously how many English people of my parents’ generation saw mainland Europeans, and if for some reason you didn't expand your horizons over the years, their attitude could infect you. Many of the generation that arose out of WW2 and the years following saw the Germans as clever and earnest (but not to be trusted), the French as stylish and sexy (but not to be trusted), and pretty much the rest of Europe as peopled by funny little incompetents, who had needed saving from Nazism by the clearly superior British, conveniently forgetting the dominant role of the American and Russian superpowers in the conflict.

Looking back it seems as though a proportion of British people were at best less than quarter-hearted about Europe if it meant they had to change and modernise, and why should they, when recent history already proved they were better anyway?

Err...thanks Dad?

Fri, 11 Jan 2019 20:23:47 GMT

Many years after my divorce my father turned to me, and said, 'Katrina, what year did you get married?'

I thought I was in for some fatherly wisdom about my situation, distilled over his eighty-plus years of life.

'1992,' I answered, and waited.

He paused, puffed on his pipe, thought a bit, then said gravely, 'Well do you know I bought these shoes to wear to your wedding and they're still as good as new.'

The Day The Music Died

Thu, 13 Sep 2018 00:00:00 GMT

Remember the first song you fell in love with.

For me it was I Heard It Through the Grapevine, and it must have been 1969 or 1970 when I was four or five. At the time nursery rhymes and Play School were my cultural landscape but, without understanding anything about adult relationships, something in me was mesmerised by the song: the opening snap of the snare drum, the ominous, sultry intro, the murmured background vocals like women muttering in disapproval, Marvin’s Gaye’s anguished lead. I look back on that as the day I suddenly sensed a magic implicit in music. Maybe you remember something similar about your own particular song.

Fast forward and you’re in your pre-teens and teens. Music grows and grows on you till it’s not untrue to say it’s the most important thing in your life. A friend once said, ‘I think next to sex and Scotland, music is one of God’s greatest gifts.’ (She was a broad-minded Evangelical from Glasgow.)

You live your day-to-day mundane life — at school, at home, walking down to the shops — in an endless mental pop video which is the backdrop to the story of your life. The songs’ words and emotions are either ones you can already relate to, or tantalising glimpses of future adventures awaiting you in life, love, loss, or Lamborghinis.

Now that vinyl’s come back a new generation can enjoy the pleasure I knew as a 14-year-old: the visual and tactile and anticipatory joy of flipping through shop racks of albums , with glossy decent-sized album art instead of plasticky and titchy CDs, or a thumbnail icon on a screen.

Getting your new purchase home, retreating to your bedroom with the door shut, opening the gatefold cover, withdrawing the shining black disc from its sleeve, and putting it on the turntable. Sitting on the bed, reading the printed lyrics and credits, and letting the music pour out, diving into it, till it is all around you and you are swimming in it, part of it. And that was 'just' ABBA.

Then every day for a week, the minute you got home from school the album would go on for a fresh hearing. You would limit yourself to how often you would play it to keep it sounding fresh for as long as possible. Records became part of relationships: I remember writing out the entire lyrics of Supper’s Ready in my best handwriting for a boyfriend of the time.

The years took you from ABBA through to the Stone Roses via Blondie, prog rock, Ian Dury and the Blockheads, New Order, Sparks, The Police, Two Tone, ABC, Michael Jackson, The Smiths, Talking Heads, China Crisis, Runrig, Prefab Sprout, Happy Mondays.

Along the way, if you had older siblings or cousins you could ruthlessly mine their musical tastes too. Having a sister who was twelve years older than I was and who went off to work overseas meant I got custody of her LP collection. This was a revelation giving me access to no longer currently fashionable but still brilliant bands: T Rex, Black Sabbath, Moody Blues, Simon and Garfunkel, Jeff Wayne’s War of the Worlds.

I thought I’d never lose my obsession with music like you think you’ll never fall out of love with someone. But now I rarely listen to it and I read a book on the bus instead of slipping on the headphones.

What happened in between to cause this? I don’t buy that bullshit that it’s because music since then is crap. I think most of us are hardwired to relate to the music that’s current between the years we’re aged between say ten and twenty-five: the years you are growing up, having your first life experiences, first flings, first knocks, emotions all newly discovered. So the songs you hear then become unique and precious links to all these freshly minted sensations.

I seemed to go off music in my late twenties which was also when I got married for the first time and this makes me wonder if a lot of what music meant to me was emotional satisfaction that was now fulfilled in other ways. I can remember having Radio 1 on one day and suddenly finding it unbearable, and switching it off never to return. My musical knowledge ends at about 1989 or possibly 1990, and I feel I’ve got enough good music to last me a lifetime and have no need to experiment further.

Perhaps it wasn't so much a case of the day the music died, as the day I died to music? Yet my book addiction, which precedes my falling in love with music, remains in three-books-on-the-go mode and no signs of faltering. It's a mystery, as Toyah sang.

Henry Ate Wives

Tue, 04 Sep 2018 15:21:26 GMT

How male historians view them

Catherine of Arrogant

Anne Ballbreaker

Jane See More Than You'll Get

Anne of Cleavage

Katherine How's Your Father?

Katherine Pardon Me For Outliving You

The sea took my husband

Mon, 13 Aug 2018 13:40:27 GMT

'The sea took my husband,' I said, staring moodily out across the stormy ocean from the relative safety of the cliff edge.

My companion gaped. 'What, you mean he drowned?'

'No, he ran off with an air hostess he met at the British Airways Sailing Club.'

Seven English expressions disappearing from a conversation near you

Tue, 31 Jul 2018 16:40:15 GMT

No.

No, I don’t mean ‘No’, I mean ‘No.’ You know? Latin abbreviation for ‘numero’, which was until recently used in written English to mean ‘number’? Now it’s dying out, superseded by #, that grey squirrel of the typographical world, thanks to Twitter and Instagram, and all those numbered listicles you get online. To my mind # is such an ugly character, resembling #thing so much as a wonky ladder or prison window. Yet how long before our PM lives at ‘#10 Downing Street’?

Arise

Not that long ago if you were clever or just lucky you got a pay rise, not a pay raise. Is it my imagination or were there even TV comedy sketches featuring Glenda Jackson as Elizabeth I knighting Ernie Wise as Walter Raleigh: ‘Arise, Sir Walter!’ ‘Thank you, Your Majesty. How much?’

What I find unnerving is just how quickly and unconsciously the change from ‘rise’ to ‘raise’ has taken place. Someone I know who is articulate, intelligent, and old enough to know better had completely forgotten that until recently we used to say ‘rise’, not ‘raise’ and didn't believe me when I told him. A bit like that chilling moment in 1984 when Winston realises with a shiver that even Julia, his fellow rebel against The Party, hasn’t noticed that only a few years in the past Oceania’s enemy was Eastasia, not Eurasia. The power of brainwashing.

Well…

A TV consumer affairs programme in the 1970s called That’s Life! did a serious investigative report into how often TV presenters started their sentences with ‘Well,’ and came to the sporting conclusion that That’s Life! was the worst offender.

Listen to a podcast or YouTube presentation today and ‘Well,’ has disappeared down a deep, dark one in favour of the ubiquitous ‘So...'.

To be fair people have always padded out their sentences with meaningless fillers and intros. I have read transcripts of people speaking in the late 1890s or early 1900s and every other sentence begins with ‘Why,’ as in, ‘Why, when my father was alive we used to polish the coal in the fireplace regularly.'

Then the great phonetic Well Shift came along and the Whypeople probably felt as left behind as I do now, knowing that when I begin my speech with ‘Well…,’ it’s a signifier I’ve failed to keep up — again.

Fill in

Aged seventeen and applying for university I was told to 'fill in' an application form. These days you don’t ‘fill in’ a form, you ‘fill out’ a form. To my mind ‘fill in’ makes sense as you are writing words inside boxes, not outside them, and certainly your words should be written within the form, not outside it. Start writing words outside the boxes and all over the place and you might end up at Swindon Polytechnic (OFSTED report pending) with people called Ryan who have personalities to match. Why take that risk?

Maths

‘You do the math…’ Purists will say of course that there isn’t a letter ‘s’ straight after the ‘th’ in ‘mathematics’, so ‘math’ is, in some sterile sense, correct. But as maths involves sums and sums involve numbers in the plural not the singular, surely ‘maths’ is more fitting? Anyway, 'math' just sounds lazy and ignorant, a bit like dropping your aitches.

Far

Using ‘way’ instead of ‘far’ is apparently way cooler and way more modern. But somehow Sydney Carton declaiming, ‘It is a way, way better thing that I do, than I have ever done; it is a way, way better rest that I go to than I have ever known,’ as he lowers his head onto the guillotine in A Tale of Two Cities just doesn’t have the same ring about it for me.

Laying instead of lying

Don’t get me started on this one. I actually heard a reporter on that supposed bastion of educated English, the BBC Today programme, say, ‘The hostages were laying on the ground.’ Not feeling confident with Twitter, I wanted to write in and ask her, ‘Laying what? Eggs? Tables?

Rant over. (Or ‘mustn’t grumble’ as British people used to mumble.) Of course the English language evolves and develops, words mutate or disappear, but at least it shows you're awake if you notice.

Are you still a fashion virgin?

Tue, 03 Jul 2018 09:19:57 GMT

Losing your fashion virginity happens something like this.

As a fashion virgin all fashions will seem new to you, mostly because you are still gloriously young and inexperienced.

Then one day a fashion comes along which reminds you faintly or strongly of something you’ve seen before, but which went out of fashion, surely never to return, discounted or sneered at by all the fashionistas.

Only now suddenly the same people are loving it and promoting it. It’s actually recycled and rebranded fashion but you will never hear that phrase and no one will admit to it.

Jeans are the prime example. My fashion awakening occurred during the New Wave era when jeans were narrow and straight and ‘She won’t be able to sit down in those’ was considered a genuine sartorial compliment. My jeans were so form-fitting that I had to lie down on my bedroom floor to be able to do the zip up easily. I was terribly proud of this proof of haute couture and told all my friends.

In those days the worst fashion faux pas you could make, we thought, was wearing ‘flares’. Wearing flares was somehow akin to liking prog rock or Abba, activities which were equally inadmissible.

To my older sister, however, my new jeans looked old-fashioned and a bit ridiculous. In her eyes straight jeans were nothing more than the despised ‘drainpipes’, remembered from her childhood, worn by old-fashioned people who thought they were still 1950s Teddy boys, whereas her demographic had progressed onto flares.

I was still too young and too impressionable to see or have any need to see the bigger picture. At that stage in life you just want to blend in by wearing what the herd wears.

I also think at school you pick up a largely linear view of history, a bit like evolution: we got to today from yesterday and things don’t evolve backwards, do they? Dinosaurs aren’t coming back. You think you and today’s fashion are the apex of history, as indeed you both are at that particular tiny moment.

Then you get to, for example, your late twenties. That’s when it hits you. In my case it was seeing what I thought of as the despised flared jeans flaunted in the windows of clothes chains like Gap and H&M. I gawped. ‘They’re not flares, they’re bootcut ,’ the sales assistant insisted. Agreed there might be minimal differences between the two articles — fashion protects itself by building in subtle changes and can’t be blamed for it — but in essence ‘They’ are repeating and rebranding a fashion previously deemed unwearable.

‘Remember a few years ago when those things called Breton tops were in fashion?’ someone much younger than myself commented to me a few years ago. I was a bit surprised. Surely she must realise Breton tops are around all the time, just feature some years more than others, but no, she clearly saw them as extinct.

One day she will open up a magazine and see some terrible strapline such as, ‘Shipshape: our guide to seaside chic’, or, ‘Get your stripes: nautical-but-nice fashion’, and there the Breton top will be, along with wide-legged white trousers (presumably not called flares or bootcut) and a vaguely nautical navy jacket. Fashion recycling.

Hopefully that will be the moment she loses her fashion virginity. It can be an appearance-changing moment. You realise the phrase ‘new fashion’ is actually an oxymoron: fashion is cyclical and repetitive, is renamed and rebranded.

Losing this fashion virginity doesn’t mean you fall out of love with fashion. On the contrary maybe you even love it more, because now you have discovered one of its secrets and so you are beginning to free yourself to be personally stylish rather than merely following fashions which may or may not look good on you. No longer a fashion virgin.

katrina-robinson_v1

P2YL | 56. Online v. offline dating: the verdict

I've done both. Here's how I rate them.

Back at Square 1?

Dating as a twentysomething

v.

Dating as a midlifer

Life deals you a hand of cards

Don’t panic — good things take awhile

A wise woman chooses a dual approach

Ground rules for avoiding overwhelm

Just tonight or forever?

1. Get in the right frame of mind.

2. Research different sites.

How I freed up money for the expense of dating ﻿

3. Let him contact you first.

What if I don't get many people contacting me?

4. Respond to contact, but not that split second.

�� P2YL top tip no. 1 ��

5. Don’t spend more than a couple of weeks communicating with someone online before meeting in real life.

�� P2YL top tip no. 2 ��

6. Even if you don’t feel immediate chemistry with someone on a first date, if he seems a decent man and nice enough, give him at least three dates before you come to any definite conclusion.

���� Next time: My tried-and-tested ideas for meeting people offline

Part 2 of Your Love Life | The comfort zone

'The craft'

Bibliotherapy

Movement

P2YL | 55. MORE inspiration for Part 2 Of Your (Love?) Life

Why you need to date differently second time round PLUS The books and films that help you do it

�� Films and books to bring you balm

�� 'Live Alone and Like It', by Marjorie Hillis

��️ Five favourite films for a fallow season

����My 8 favourite dating books

�� Midlife dating

��‍♀️ 'Where do I meet eligible men that I like?'

2️⃣ Things I do differently second time round

5️⃣ The 5 new ways to date with a P2YL mindset

NEW: P2YL is on Substack

P2YL | 52. How to find Part 2 (Love?) Life inspiration

Whatever stage you're at, I have something for you

Finding c omfort

�� Your first survival checklist

�� Finding comfort in dark times

���� The pep-talk from a Queen that gave me courage

Looking good

�� Learning to dress for a happier me

��️��️ Peak style : inspiration from the women of Peaky Blinders

���� Five little French feminine ways

P2YL | 51. Why would any woman say, 'Love, honour, and OBEY'? I did. And then I didn't.

Next in the series: Five ways my Part 2 wedding was different from Part 1

First wedding

Wedding no. 1: T minus 6 weeks and counting

When not to 'obey'

Mr Big vs. Mr BigHearted

My radical foremothers

Second wedding

'To love and to cherish'

Any difference how it's played out in either relationship?

What about so-called 'trad wives'?

P2YL | Five ways my Part 2 wedding was different from Part 1

Forthcoming:

��‍��‍��‍�� Father-of-the-bride? What about mother-of-the-groom?

�� Wedding dress and wedding hair second time round

P2YL | 50. Five ways my Part 2 wedding was different from Part 1

2) Big party or select do? ��

First wedding: innocence personified

Second wedding: thank God there is always a Plan B

﻿

Small is beautiful ﻿

'What becomes of the broken-hearted?'

Which was the better wedding?

One question we need to ask

What if these words were part of all wedding ceremonies?

P2YL | 48. Six ways my Part 2 wedding differed from Part 1 is part of a series including:

�� Live together beforehand or not ? ��

�� A wedding: big party or select and sacred?

�� ‘Love, honour, and obey ’ ?!?!?

A candid look at how I viewed it in Part 1 and Part 2 Of My (Love?) Life

��‍��‍��‍�� Father-of-the-bride? What about mother-of-the-groom?

�� Wedding dress and wedding hair second time round

How I freed up money for the expense of dating

�� Next time: My tried-and-tested ideas for meeting people offline

��My 8 favourite dating books

�� The pep-talk from a Queen that gave me courage

�� Five little French feminine ways

Small is beautiful

��

* I’ve listed four As here but I’ve got a faint memory there is a fifth. One very wise woman suggested it should be A for Acting like an Asehle.

��

3. People were dressed in the shorts and T-shirts you’d see in any average UK town, but…